I’m sick in the head, I have to be

I sit on a swivel chair sometimes and when people get too close to me I move the chair away from them cause I don’t wanna go crazy and move it towards their groin. But one time someone was super close to the swivel chair like they were making contact with it and I had a thought of what if I move it towards their body and I felt the need to move the chair an inch towards them and so I moved it quickly and without hesitation and idk why like I must be crazy tbh. There is also this vague sense of wrongness attached to the memory. It is present right before the movement. It almost feels like I remember thinking an evil thought or having bad intentions but just don’t really remember. I try to prevent stuff from happening but this time I snapped I guess. Also I wasn’t anxious at all until afterwards. I was in a good mood at the time. I know OCD can cause urges but it feels like I remember turning bad/evil before I did it. Idk anymore. I just can’t live like this anymore. I’m terrified of myself

Anonymous

Date posted: 5w

I was afraid of similar sometimes. There was a wacked priest who did tarot cards with us in school one day to freak us out and stop us from wanting to do that. I never forgot that I got the Devil card. And I would worry about it and sometimes it would be more so. I had to just be in denial at times to be ok. Maybe because you are freaked out it means you are not evil. It took a while for me to find the right therapy but when I got to here NOCD the therapist just said the right stuff and had me do the erp. I finally believed I could believe in myself and know I am not the thoughts. The thoughts represent a strong value that I have and something I would never do. Like your brain as a little gremlin repeatedly challenging because you don’t want to do the things you think of and instead of a recheck the stove it is a constant recheck that you are a “good” person and would never do it. And it is just coming to me as I write this that that could be what is happening.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5w

Thank you for sharing I think I have made a breakthrough in my understanding. So don’t be terrified of yourself. That is the misfiring. It can be a lack of inositol. If I drink a lot of caffeine, I notice the thoughts happen more. I read in a book lack of inositol triggers thoughts and caffeine depletes the inositol so if you have a lot of caffeine maybe you could try not using it and if it makes a difference. The OCD is about needing things to be certain. So what if It is a general distrust of ourselves for other reasons like not doing what we said we would and this distrust leads us to have thoughts of the the greatest fear and we need certainty that we can trust we would never do “xyz” so our brain has it pop in our heads and we are left thinking would I do that is that why it popped in my head but “it” is one thing I never want to do. But your brain is checking for certainty that you can trust you won’t. Trying the exposure therapy helped for me. I wish you well and hope for help. You are in the right place. Change therapists if you must. But don’t give up.

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5w

@Anonymous I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to give such an in-depth response. It means a lot to me, truly. I think it’s definitely possible that I was making sure I wouldn’t act on the thought, I know a lot of people with OCD can experience that. I am just overwhelmed with guilt and shame cause my OCD is making me think I did it for sinister reasons. But I’m gonna try to keep in mind what you said. I do drink a lot of caffeine so that could also play a part in it honestly

Anonymous

Date posted: 4w

@andrewt_ Try inositol supplements. Lowering caffeine and taking that made a huge difference for me. So shocked if I never read that little bit of info in that one book I would never know. I know isn’t it awful how one thought judging you just keeps coming up again. Try to forgive yourself. I think guilt means you have a good heart that wants to do well but holding onto it doesn’t prove that. Shame prolonged is not needed because I think it could make you believe bad about yourself and maybe give up doing good because you label yourself as bad.

tayanominous

Date posted: 23w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19w

There’s no point anymore I’m just evil

I don’t even say I have OCD anymore because it feels like I’m lying. Maybe this isn’t about OCD anymore and is about accountability instead. Accountability for how twisted and sick I am. Sometimes I force myself to admit that it’s not OCD and that I’m just dark and twisted and need to protect the world from me. I mean god this feels too real to be OCD. Sometimes I look back at my memory and wonder if I did certain stuff on purpose and ask myself who could do stuff like this? Everyone says it’s OCD but it feels too real. I have a gut feeling that I’m a deviant psycho. I want to be gone.

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I’m sick in the head, I have to be

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