I feel like I'm becoming like my abusive dad

Before I start this let me preface with this: My dad was abusive and would scream and hit me. Me and my girlfriend just came back yesterday from a long trip in the Bay, surrounded by family and getting little to no sleep, even before we went to the Bay. I had work today, a long, stressful shift. I come home and find out that not 1, but 3 of her friends are spending the night. This would be fine but they are spending the night in our small, hot, stuffy room, on the second bed. I am getting so upset. I feel like I havent had a break at all from people and I'm getting so overstimulated and angry at myself. I keep getting the visions and compulsions of screaming at them like my dad would or straight up just snapping at them. It's all in my head. There's just a pit of rage in my stomach. I don't want to hurt them but my brain wants me too. I'm so mad at myself for even thinking about this. If it wasn't 100 degrees I would have taken a walk but the heat just stresses me even more. I don't want to be my dad. Ever. He always told me that I got the darker part of his brain and inherited his mindscape, and he always said it with pride and I feel so upset.

#Lyla

Date posted: Yesterday

Your not like him. You have just gone through tough times, totally get it my dad was abusive to

Estrid

Date posted: Yesterday

Sounds hard. Hope you can communicate boundaries with your girlfriend - I get that you need your sleep. Sounds like you have insight and that's good - you won't become as your dad, just because he told you so, so upsetting to hear! You are a unique human. Maybe reach out for a therapist?

nae nae

Date posted: Yesterday

I'm so sorry to hear this, seriously. My heart goes out to you 🤍 Your father's words aren't truth. You are your own person. You choose who you want to be, and just because he's your father doesn't mean you will end up like him. It's understandable to feel overstimulated. I definitely would lol. Like Estrid said, I hope you're able to communicate this to your girlfriend! Be gentle with yourself until then.

Givenup

Date posted: Yesterday

Well firstly... the fact you are consciously putting effort to making sure you arent evil or abusive like your dad makes you more brave and strong than he could EVER hope to be. And second, the very fact you are dealing with so much stress, and pain... and anguish... it truly hurts... doesn't it... thats why I dont believe you are like your dad in even the tiniest details. Because you have what your dad will never understand. Love and unconditional support from your girlfriend and those on here who give any ounce about you. You deserve these good things. And dont ever let anyone, even your jerk of a dad, tell you otherwise understand? Because you're gonna go further and beyond. You are going to prove your dad and all those who doubted you wrong. Because you are a brave fighter. Remember that.

gio

Date posted: 22w

So so guilty

I don’t know why but today I feel so incredibly angry right now and I was so frustrated with everything including my two dogs. I didn’t hurt them or hit them or anything but I was particularly annoyed and angry when they were trying to get presumably a bunny or a raccoon from underneath the shed, so I had to pull my small dog away when he wouldn’t budge away from the shed and i couldn’t pick him up because I was not close enough. I feel bad because I know I love my dogs but oh my god I just get so annoyed with them and on top of them everything else I have to just shut down all day and the things I don’t understand. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t want my dogs to think I don’t love them because i was angry and annoyed at them. I know they’re just animals and they love me and I love them. I want them to know I’m sorry for even getting mad. I wish I didn’t feel so angry and yet so disconnected at the same time. I’m terrified I’m an evil person or that I don’t love my pets or something. I started to hit myself and punch myself because I do that when I get over the edge angry. I don’t know why I feel angry. It’s a mix of anger and emptiness and I don’t want either of them especially towards my dogs.

Cam$$$

Date posted: 20w

Any Advice ?

When I talk about how terrible I used to be to my girlfriend it makes me feel like I’m gonna do it again which I don’t wanna do and it scares me and then I get intrusive thoughts and feelings about it doing it but I don’t want to, weird I know.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 13w

What is this?

Recently ive been getting very scared to even be angry bc of the horrible thoughts I have and it feels even more real when I'm angry or even annoyed. Rn I was not even super annoyed at my neice but I felt a twinge of annoyance since she went up to my face and was yelling at me while I was resting on the bed and I got this image of doing something bad to her and I felt my hand twitch very little. I got nervous and felt relieved when her dad told her to stop screaming for no reason. I've been hyperfocusing on my bodily reactions (mainly my hands or how I'm feeling like did I just enjoy that? Was I considering???) And I've noticed the small twitches whenever I'm mad or annoyed and it's scaring me so bad! Like do I want to act out? Am I holding back??? I used to not even twitch at all when mad and I felt 100% sure I'll never act out but now it feels like I don't know bc what do these twitches mean?, I do know I don't want to ever act out but it's so scary. Recently whenever I feel angry once the argument is over I cry really bad after I'm alone and I pray so i never want or act out. And when the annoyance passes I also feel so guilty and want to stay away. Im scared these are real urges and i research for many many hours to make sure they arent urges or impulses and i also tend to ask chatgpt or here if the anxiety gets so bad 😕

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I feel like I'm becoming like my abusive dad

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