Anonymous

Date posted: 4w

rocd decisions between two people

did anyone else have their rocd kick in overdrive when picking between two partners, i adore my bf and our relationship is great, but then another guy confessed his love for me while i'm with my bf, this other guy is fun but seems like bad news (i will never know for sure tho) it causes me so much distress because now i'm constantly thinking about the what if's and how life would be different if i had gone with the other guy even tho im happy with my bf now, so disheartening bc now i feel like im being ungrateful and can't fully enjoy the good im familiar with now without my brain being like: "but what if something bigger awaits me and im missing out?" "what if im not meant to live a peaceful life with a good guy?" "what if i miss the bad?" "maybe im not meant to be here" "what if i'm settling?" "what if i regret not living my 20's to the fullest?" these thoughts are the loudest when i'm bored, or stuck in routine, yk when life gets mundane, and my rocd has made it so that i don't have energy for much else, im too exhausted to do hobbies or school or anything really, im so lost, i dont really know how to find myself while also being in a relationship at the same time, idk how to balance that well, but i want to do both: be with my boyfriend and live a life i crave I crave a spontaneous life, somewhere in a walkable place, partying and exploring new places, traveling the world, meeting new people, adrenaline pumping through my veins, with a group of friends who also love the thrill, (what sucks is that the other guy brought that adventurous side of me out, and now that i cut him off idk how to bring her out again) and i'd like to think in this life i love my career and know what it is, a career that feels fulfilling , AND know that i have my sweet bf there with me, of course this stuff takes time so like my rocd wants me to somehow make one decision to make this all happen faster but its not how it works, anxiety is funny like that its not actually about the other guy, because I feel like i'd be this way with any partner, always thinking about the what ifs that come with rocd, when really i just want my current bf because this is real love and not a "maybe" or an "if", i just miss feeling alive, im just so scared of living an unfulfilling life, thought that a good relationship is like what makes you fulfilled, and it has changed my life in a good way tremendously, but i must need something else as well, i hope to find it, whatever it is

villlln

Date posted: 4w

Hey!! As you said you can be adventurous and fun with anyone. Maybe your current bf prefers simpler plans and that’s why you wonder how I could have been with the other guy. But the only thing we have is the right now. And honestly we would never be 100% sure if we have make the right decisions but don’t feel lonely for wondering too much about it cause I also have been struggling with that.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4w

@villlln you're so sweet! thank you for reading, yes my its true that we can't be 100% sure so i'm trying my best to just see how it goes, its nice to know im not going through it alone

tomc

Date posted: 4w

There will come a time, hopefully, when the desire for the 'exciting and spontaneous ' will give way to the contentment of a dependable life partner. I can't advise you on what to do, but I made the 'safe' choice 20 years ago and I have never regretted it.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4w

@tomc im so glad to hear you don't regret it, i see a future with my bf for sure, he's very reliable, but i don't feel real like im living a lie, and that the real version of me wants another life, it's weird, even tho i love that i can feel safe around my current bf, my brain still thinks that ill feel more real, more "me" if i reached out to the other guy again, but this other guy literally admitted to manipulating me so wtf, i have something so good now it's annoying that my brain does that

tomc

Date posted: 29d

@Pandora_2003 Well, I'm sure you will make the decision that's right for you. I know that feelings and emotions can make things complicated. I'm far from being a stoic but I do think that the 'practical' decision has worked out for me. I have no regrets and there were times it was confusing and I had to choose between two people. I'm happy with the choice I made. I wish you insight and am sure that you will make the right decision. I have never been a 'gut feeling ' type of person, I tend to think with my brain. I wish you all the best and am here if you want to talk. All the best.

Anonymous

Date posted: 29d

@tomc Thank you, it's really hard. I have to ask, did your rocd act up when you were faced with choosing between two people too? Because honestly for me it only started after this other guy confessed his love to me. I just want to stop comparing and thinking about the what ifs, just wanna be happy with my partner bc he really is the best, but i feel so exhausted all the time from thinking about it 24/7

tomc

Date posted: 29d

@Pandora_2003 It's never easy. We all want the 'perfect' relationship but our feelings can't be trusted. I think if you use the rational part of you, you will make the right decision. I gave up things to serve my better self and it was a compromise that worked out for me. Where are you located?

Anonymous

Date posted: 29d

@tomc I live in arizona, what about you? and thank you for responding, I've been feeling quite alone in this

tomc

Date posted: 29d

@Pandora_2003 I'm in New York. Yes, my rocd acted up big time and I was never sure if I had made the right decision. Now, in retrospect I know that I did. I question myself if I would feel the same way even if I had chosen the 'other woman ' and I am sure that I am sure I did. Give yourself some credit and believe that you will make the right choices for you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 29d

@tomc Can I ask how old you were when faced with that problem? (i'm 21) and What helped you overcome that? Did you do any ERP with a therapist? And did you ever have thoughts of how being single would just be easier? Sorry if that's too much to answer, because not only do i question who to pick, but also unsure if I should be in a relationship at all just because of how exhausted i am from my thoughts. But I couldn't break up with my current bf, I don't want to see him go. My therapist is saying that my experience with the other guy could be trauma, i was just trying not to hurt anyone, and lost myself in the process and ive been a wreck for a while over it, and idk what to do about it

tomc

Date posted: 29d

@Pandora_2003 I feel for you. You're definitely conflicted. I was in my early 30s when I went through what you are going through now. You have a lot of time to make the 'right' decision. I spent years in therapy and my biggest take-away was, there are no guarantees. Whichever direction you choose, you will make the best of it. I think that going with a 'safe' choice was the right decision for me.

Anonymous

Date posted: 28d

@tomc I really appreciate the kind words, and it's true i have a lot of time and that brings me comfort but is it weird that i only feel rocd after the other guy confessed? and there's thoughts now that "he was the one and you're lying to yourself" even tho i love my current bf and we've always been good until the other guy came around? i just think it might be a little weird or might mean something that i only noticed rocd after meeting this other guy

tomc

Date posted: 28d

@Pandora_2003 Hi Pandora, I think it is normal to feel conflicted. Until the other guy told you about his feelings I'm sure that you pictured your future with your current boyfriend. Rocd plays on feeling that you have to know for sure that you are making the 'right' decision. I'm sure that you are a 'catch' and that either person would be thrilled to have you, I'm also sure that either relationship will have it's ups and downs. We all wonder about 'the one that got away', it's very human. No actual relationship can compete with the ideal version we have in our head. I would base my decision on practicality. I understand that it can sound dull but it worked for me. There are no guarantees with either person. Pick the one that has your back, the one who will be there when you are sick, the one that values you. I wish you much luck.

misereri

Date posted: 25w

Someone to talk to?please?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

Firefly girl

Date posted: 22w

Rocd and Soocd

Every morning I wake up im always fixating on something and texting chat gpt, whether thats my relationship or my sexuality. I try so hard to resist it but I just can’t handle the uncertainty or the idea of hurting him or leading him on. We aren’t even official because in the past my rocd caused an issue between us where it led to him breaking up with me so now I have a fear of his intentions being ingenuine, especially because friends and family have called him a love bomber, saying he used me for attention, and narcissistic. This takes over me because I feel like I will never be able to be happy with him or trust myself or the relationship because of what other people say. I am very content on my own and single, this is the first relationship where i have experienced debilitating anxiety and doubt about the legitimacy of both of our feelings to the point where I cannot function. I’m trying so hard to not feed into it and not give it energy but I just hate the idea of leading him on or being inauthentic to what I truly want. My current therapist who I only see a couple times a month doesn’t think I have ocd, which makes me spiral and think I should end it with him, especially because I always hear things like “The right relationship will add to your life” and I feel the opposite is happening not directly because of him but because my brain takes over and paralyzes me with indecision about if i should be with him or not. I know that his intentions are genuine, but I hate that everyone is so cynical and assumes they’re not just because my rocd and his emotional baggage created a messy situation. From the moment i met him I convinced myself it was too good to be true and my therapist even said I was self-sabatoging. But i hate not knowing if it is rocd and my insurance doesn’t cover NOCD. He is so patient with me and supportive but I keep hearing things like “the honeymoon stage is supposed to last 3 months” and “it shouldn’t be this hard with the right person” “you’re not good for each other” and my friends tell me i didnt do anything wrong etc bc he did at first say my ocd didnt affect him when in reality that led to him ending it initially. But he has been more upfront with his emotions but then my mom and people will say “more to come” “there’s so much more out there” and its just so isolating not having that support and wondering if im too young to settle and if I’m just an idiot convincing myself I have rocd when really i just don’t want to be with him/it is a toxic relationship. When in reality the only reason it is toxic is because i am so sporadic about whether or not I want him in my life because of my distrust in myself and my decisions. I love him but I know love isn’t always enough and I get existential fixating on what’s “meant to be” and what’s “supposed to happen” its like this debilitating urge to control everything and make everything go perfectly how it is supposed to go. Please help i just want to make the right decision and stop paralyzing myself with doubt

Pandora_2003

Date posted: 19d

my experience

i have always been a pretty doubtful and overthinking person all my life, but i have never had bad ocd until something happened in my current relationship i met my boyfriend senior year of highschool, we started off as friends first but then would text all night and found out we have a lot in common, he still lived at his parents house at the time, i'd go over to his or he'd come over to mine sometimes, your typical teen romance story, my rocd didn't start acting up till we started getting serious fast forward to when i started working at my old job and met this guy who pretty much love bombed me, i didn't know it at the time, and so i lost myself during that time trying to balance everyone's feelings, i ended up hurting my current boyfriend really badly and ever since ive had raging rocd, every second of every day i cut this guy off and me and my boyfriend are still together, working it out, and then two christmases ago he gets kicked out of his house, and starts living with me and my family, a huge change i wasn't ready for but it happened my family loves my boyfriend, everyone i've ever introduced him to also does, he truly is an angel, he's so sweet and good to me, i've met all his friends and he's met mine, i could picture a life with him, but currently my rocd is too much to bear, id be better alone but im so deep in this now it's crippling, i can't hangout with my friends without rocd, cant wake up without rocd, cant think of anything without rocd, i cant eat or sleep, life feels like it's no longer real, the relief of breaking up with my boyfriend would free me, but i cant bring myself to, ive tried multiple times, i might just be a coward because i dont want to hurt him again, i dont want to lose him, but ive lost myself, this rocd is driving me insane lets say I break up with my boyfriend, he already got kicked out of his old house and I do not want him to have to feel like he's got to be kicked out again, this is his home now and I just couldn't do that to him, my family would lose someone they see as a son, and I would have to watch him move his stuff which would make me so sad because I care so much for him, I would even move out just so he doesn't have to the thing is I really can't put myself through this anymore, I have to put myself first or this will kill me, idk what to do maybe i could talk to him about how bad my ocd is, tell him that i really have tried to push through but i need a break, maybe we could be friends and work it out? i hope so

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