Relapse POCD

Hi all. Unfortunately I have relapsed with what I believe is POCD/ REOCD again. Im 33 going on 34 (m) and from the ages of around 23 to 26/27 had terrible OCD / shame and guilt from a mistake made in early teenage years ( Im going to say 11/12 ). It was truly the greatest struggle to make it through those years. From ages 27/28 to ~ 6 weeks ago my OCD was I would say 99% under control with the help of 150mg sertraline which was fantastic and allowed me to live as normally as I could have hoped for. A real event from almost 10 years ago randomly popped up in my mind , and the past 6 weeks have been truly awful with very little headspace for rational thought and certainly no good mood. A few panic attacks thrown in and an inability to hold my job down makes this seem like an impossible challenge to overcome. My mind is telling me its only a matter of time before police show to my door and Ill be socially berated. Ive become a bit paranoid and really do not feel worthy/ able for living a happy life going forward. Previously, on the earlier theme I had confessed to a parent not knowing it would be damaging in the long run and to be honest I dont know what helped to recover. Maybe I could have recovered sooner had I known it was definently OCD I was dealing with and effective treatment options. In the end I think I adopted a " so what" and "it is what it is" attitude after so much internal anguish which helped. With this theme, once again my mind tells me its not OCD and I am just feeling huge amounts of guilt for past actions which may never leave me. I do feel Im looking at this event in a very black and white manner however my mind wont allow anything else. Ive had days where I could function while being able to tell myself " if the worst case scenario happens, it happens " but Ive also had days where my mind tells me I wont survive another week of this guilt, let alone deal with the real life cosequences. I have no experience of ERP but I do intend to look into it. What makes me think it may be worthwhile is that last week while at work I came across an event on social media where someone went to jail for something "similar" ( my mind tells me my actions were worse ) and I just sat with the fear and anxiety which was awful in the moment - however I got some moments of positivy and become almost "carefree" that evening as the bad feelings came and went without giving in to compulsions ( main ones are googling and mental review/ re reading texts ) Of course they came back a day later . I guess Im just showing my face here so to speak, and letting you all know that there are others in the same fight, and that youre not alone. I appreciate all input. J Ps if anyone has had previous success on increasing sertraline from 150mg upward please let me know. I do feel I need a higher dose/ something more effective for this episode as I am not getting much relief from my thoughts. I have heard from some sertraline is more useful at higher doses ( 300/400 mg ) for OCD??? Any thoughts? Thank you

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 7w

That’s all really common with OCD. If you’re interested in learning if you meet criteria for OCD, and in maybe learning more about how we treat it here at NOCD, you’re always welcome to book a call with our intake team. We start small, so you’re NOT so overwhelmed in trying to manage it.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 7w

Hi Relapse101! Sounds like you've done a lot of work on your own with learning to accept the possibility of your fears being true, and being able to better sit with the uncertainty of whether or not will it is true, and coming to terms with "there's no point in worrying about it, as it can just be addressed if/when it happens." That's great, and hope of what can happen with ERP, with the goal of being able to better tolerate the uncertainty of any potential fear. Unfortunately, OCD is very resilient and opportunistic, and seems to have found something else you care a lot about to "weaponize" in the hopes of getting you to engage in compulsions again. While an increase in your medication might help as well, learning to BEHAVE your way out of the OCD cycle will likely be more empowering for you since you're doing things to actively manage your OCD. How does that sound to you?

relapse101

Date posted: 7w

Hi Meaghan Thank you for the reply I think the first theme from my 20s I ended up accepting the uncertainty by default as I didnt have another choice. After 5 or 6 years of suffering it was the only thing I could do was to move on if that makes sense. It was a very up and down recovery though with way too much giving into to compulsion/ researching in between. Thats sounds like a good start to me, however every action except wallowing in my house seems excrutiating to even think of and so many thoughts come rushing in when I do try such as " why are you making an effort , things are going to go downhill fast for you when your secret is out in the open", " bet those people in the street never done anything like you and would be disgusted if they knew that about you" ( are these intrusive thoughts I dont know??) I feel like there are so many thoughts being generated in my head that I have just become accustomed to over the years that I amnt aware of and they do damage Ive got an appointment with my GP on Thursday to discuss sertraline dosage. Hes actually been wanting to lower mine however Ill let him know about my recent episode. FYI Ive never been formally diagnosed with OCD however when I look back on my life I have on many occurences drove back to places I felt I may have hit something while driving, annoyed siblings by repeatedly bombarding them for reassurance on different things, I even bought an old motorbike a guy I knew was fixing up, he asked me to do some work on it, that night my mind raced and I thought my work would become defective and cause an accident down the line so I bought the bike for way too much money to ensure nothing happened ( this sounds silly writing it out lol)

relapse101

Date posted: 7w

ocdnomore1

Date posted: 9w

How abou you?

I suffer since 10 - 15 yrs from specific fears. It was years that my OCD constantly wanted to be checked if I have HIV or not. I had a lot of sex and I thought this is normal. But I ruminated in my backhead about and was testing like 5 - 10 times a year. After the test I felt everytime so relieved. In Corona I was addicted to porn and even I lost control and was watching pretty hard stuff. I was chatting with a girl and we fantasized about really disturbing things. I never wanna meet her and for me was sure it's just kinda onlinestuff. I was in a relationship 3 years now. And I lost fear of HIV. But then came Morality OCD, Real Event (this chat) and after some times POCD. This combination was knocking me out, I felt like the badest person on earth. I did everything wrong and searched for relief and reassurance. It put me to the point of suicidal. I never ever hurting somebody, but my brain was making me a monster. I had to quit the relationship because I just couldn't give her what she deserved. I was in a clinic for 3 months. And we tested medication with ERP (before I took escitalopram for years). Anafranil was working first, then too many side-effects. I tried even without meds, but was so depressed. Now on sertralin for 5 weeks, but only 2 weeks on therapeutic dose 200mg. And wow, now I really feel so confused in the brain. I feel like how big my OCD became. The specific thoughts are not anymore, BUT it sticks on EVERYTHING atm. It's delusional how it feels in the brain. I really hope so deep my brain makes finally a reset and I need to wait it out. I could live with OCD for a long time but the last 1-2 yrs it took absolutely everything. I remark that POCD doesn't stick anymore like before but my brain is now constructing a very bad future because of past mistakes (that I all discussed with family, friends for relief over and over and over again). So it's like my OCD is now Real Event (The sexchat) again. Anyone was on the same point in life?

Uncomfortabl...

Date posted: 8w

Should I start antidepressant course again? Feeling hopeless

I had OCD earlier in life, but it came and gone. For the last 4.5 it's been one thing after another, though. Today I felt especially grossed out by my POCD and I feellike I'm losing last hope that I had. I hate to sound awfully dramatic, but I want to clarify things a little bit and ask for advice. So I've been taking antidepressants up until some point, had a break and then started taking them again. In the beginning of this month, I finally finished that second course. This time it lasted 1.5 years. It's important to note that for the last half year I was pretty proactive in finding solutions to my ocd, finding new methods and reading articles. It probably did help, but mostly in short-term. Today I felt like my symptoms (it's mainly groinal response) were scaringly prominent and it made me really depressed. Do I have to start all over? It never got good enough in the first place, so I'm not even sure if it's possible to cure. I admit I might've not been pushing myself enough to do the scariest possible things, but that doesn't mean I didn't do ERP. Now, to the venting part. I'm not sure if anything really helped: if I'm relaxed it's probably just a matter of good mood. I'm anxious when going outside. I feel like I don't deserve friends because of my "dirty" secret -- I feel incredibly ashamed for groinal sensations. There were times when I'm sure it wasn't a phantom feeling, but a real one I caused. But I can't undo anything, so it has to stay with me. My family really loves me, so of course killing myself was never an option. But I still hate myself. I'm too tired to keep on fighting with OCD and bearing the burden of those very shameful events is too hard. What do I do? Maybe I'm just not adapted to living without antidepressants, so I'm being too emotional and all I should do is continue doing ERP. But my point is that I'm too exhausted. Thank you for reading. I see many here have a similar problem, I hope you're staying strong. I'd love to help you all, but I'm afraid that right now I'm not suit for giving out good life advice

Annomous_bcye

Date posted: 5w

giving up compulsions with ROCD

I still do not have an OFFICIAL diagnosis (I dont have the means to do so) but given my symptoms, past and present in my life hugely suggest OCD is what I am dealing with. I cannot be 100 percent certain but after searching for answers and researching for a long time now, I am fairly certain and confident this is what I am struggling with. Given this step forward, I am making more effort into giving up compulsions. at the current moment I believe to be dealing with ROCD, as I have been having several intrusive thoughts that conflict with my relationship. For starters, recently over the past month or 2, I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts like not being over my ex, being attracted to someone else, losing feelings for my partner and not being in love, etc. I can consciously identify that I dont believe these thoughts to be true but it causes me so much distress and anxiety. It gets extremely unbearable some days, and I have leaned into 2 main compulsions. I have relied on thought checking and googling as my source of relief. At first the googling was genuinely to start finding answers; hence why I have made some of the discoveries I have about OCD including this site. But it developed into every time I was anxious, I would whip my phone out and start googling strictly to find an answer that would reassure me or calm me down. As for thought checking, it acted as a way to reaffirm my love for my girlfriend in my head when I have had the thoughts that collide with my relationship and how I feel about my girlfriend. It worked at first but developed into a compulsion where every time a bad thought got me worked up id either do my normal googling or Id think about that in my head to calm myself down. Over time these compulsions have gotten less and less affective and now when I do them it only gets me more anxious and desperate for reassurance (strengthening the cycle or whatever it is lol). I did some more research and finally have accepted the very real fact that I am going to have to sit in heavy anxiety and not give into compulsions for a while in order to treat this. I have to sit in the thoughts that make me feel all this hightened anxiety and distress without giving into compulsion. to be honest I am scared, the thoughts are more rampant than ever, but I am ready to commit to this. I dont think I am gonna be able to go cold turkey on my compulsions so I am ready for the reality I might relapse on the compulsions sometimes, But am gonna keep going until I can break these shackles OCD has on my life right now. I wanna ask, what is everyones methods they use to avoid giving into compulsion when the thoughts get loud? any advice is welcome :)

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