It’s Intense…

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.

benjamin.mills

Date posted: 23d

No reassurance here, but remember to trust your instruments. You know how OCD works and this isn’t any different. Its a sneaky bastard, but its just OCD taking a different theme. Stay strong you got this

Mitchell

Date posted: 23d

As far as the trans TikTok things go, it’s a very popular trend these days (trend is probably the wrong word here, but hopefully you get what I mean) and it’s very common on TikTok to be talked about and explored, them showing up on your feed doesn’t have to mean anything outside of TikTok just showing you popular videos. I keep seeing videos of random objects spinning in circles, it doesn’t mean anything and has nothing to do with me or my actual interests. Being angry and upset about having OCD is understandable, I don’t know anyone with it who doesn’t feel that way to some extent. The more you feel anger towards it though, the more your brain believes it’s dangerous and it’s constantly “warning” you about it by making sure it stays at the forefront of your mind. You having feminine features doesn’t mean you have to act or be feminine. I’m short, skinny and I have very little body hair. Those are probably feminine traits but it doesn’t matter. You said it yourself, you don’t want to be a girl, but it’s hard to not have the fear that maybe you’re wrong or lying to yourself or something of that sort. Sometimes you just have to let it sit there, don’t ignore it but don’t give it special attention. As far as you not feeling intense fear about it, that’s not uncommon. You get to a point where it’s been in your mind for so long that you’re exhausted and don’t have the energy anymore for it to have that intense effect. I started my morning with an extreme obsession flair up too and I’m still slowly trying to come down from it. The morning before that, I was perfectly fine. It comes and goes for me and hopefully it does for you too. One way or another though this will pass.

f7nn

Date posted: 18w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

I feel so different from others

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Dreamydream

Date posted: 12w

TOCD

2 nights ago I saw something on my phone and it has now spiraled into me scared of being trans or being gay because i don’t want to be… now i have a huge fear of what if i am gay and am attracted to woman or what if im not comfortable in my body and want to turn into a man. It’s freaking me out - my ocd always makes me question my character! Has anyone experienced this 😩

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