OCD from childhood

Hello, I hope you’re having a good day. I want to share my story so I can feel a little less alone, and maybe someone out there who’s going through the same thing will know they’re not alone either. I’m 23 years old, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve been struggling with OCD and anxiety. OCD has always been a part of my life — it would come and go, get better and worse. It has had a negative impact on many aspects of my life. During the COVID pandemic, my OCD became extremely severe. I didn’t leave the house for eight months. I missed my first chance to take the university entrance exam because I was too afraid of the virus, so I lost a whole year. The anxiety and depression that followed led to severe weight gain, which then caused hormonal and endocrine problems. When I finally started university, I just couldn’t study like I used to back when I was a good student. I failed three semesters and am now on the verge of being expelled. Because of anxiety and eating disorder, I went from being a fit girl who weighed 58 kg to who I am now — I weigh 117 kg. For the past few months, I’ve been struggling with ROCD (relationship OCD). My partner and I have been together for six years. He is an amazing person who has stood by me through the worst of times, and we truly love each other. But lately, the ROCD has taken over and completely paralyzed me. It has seriously affected the quality of our relationship. It started with me obsessively checking his phone and behavior. I constantly had this irrational fear that he was cheating, even though there was no proof. I tried to silence those obsessive thoughts with logic, but they always came back — and now, for the past month, it’s been worse than ever. My ROCD has merged with my health OCD. I developed a bump on my vulva, went to the doctor, and was told it was just a regular pimple. But my OCD keeps telling me it’s genital warts or herpes — even though my partner and I have only ever been with each other sexually. Still, my mind insists that he must have cheated. He even offered to get tested and has had many calm and loving conversations with me, trying to reassure me — but my brain refuses to believe it. He really is a good man, but my OCD won’t let me feel okay or stop obsessing over these thoughts. I’m exhausted, and lately, I’ve been constantly in a state of panic.