Life is tough

Feel like I’ve been stuck in a spiral for a while. My OCD has come in waves over the years but this time it has been so debilitating. I’m in therapy, but I really struggle with sitting with uncertainty. My therapist will tell me to say, “Maybe, maybe not”. But so many of my fears and so much of my uncertainty feels too risky to just, “not figure out”. And if it’s not just thoughts, it’s actions or events. Whether it’s an event from years ago or 5 minutes ago, I feel like I’m ruminating and trying to perform memory recall. I analyze every action, thought, decision. I’m full of guilt and dread all the time. And then I realize how much it’s affecting my family and ability to be a fun and present parent. Most days I’m hardly functional outside of meeting my kid’s basic needs. I feel like I’m wasting so much time, but I just can’t get myself out of this constant loop. Every day brings a new event or theme or thought. I know I need to sit with the uncertainty but it’s so hard.

RidingTheWav...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16d

That sounds really tough, I’m so sorry you’re going through it right now. But you’ve survived 100% of your worst days and that’s a pretty good track record. Not that this will eliminate the intrusive thoughts, but when I’m in a particularly bad spiral, I keep a journal and before bed write all the good things that happened that day or that I’m grateful for. You’d be surprised how many little wins are happening even though it might not always feel like it. When we’re in a rut we have to dig a little deeper to look for the good but you’ll get there! You have done, and you will again. Like you said about the waves, what would you do if suddenly massive waves came crashing in? Would you fight to swim like tooth and nail and burn yourself out? Or would you turn over on your back and ride it out, letting the waves take you through the motions? Sometimes surrendering to the waves is an option. You don’t have to like them, but even accepting that they’re there for a time, and will leave again. Just like the tide comes in and out. You’ve got this! You’re stronger than you think!

hulder

Date posted: 16d

@Anonymous 💭 Thank you. The analogy about the waves really clicked for me. Feel like I have another tool to hold onto. I appreciate you for that!

Dude01

Date posted: 15d

100% agree. "Be careful what you wish for," but I think hypothetically it'd be much easier to deal with / do ERP for something that is non-Real Event OCD, like contamination OCD because the OBJECTIVE TRUTH is pretty clear on that that the germ 99.9% of the time is not going to be a real threat. Real Event OCD is hell because "it actually happened," and the level of fear would probably be proportional to the level of how bad the thing actually objectively is. I think the answer is there is no good answer, there is no good solution, life is hell with OCD and we're fkn cursed for life. Lovely!! As someone who's never gone to therapy (yet), it's demoralizing that you're in therapy (doing ERP?) and still struggling. I'm still trying to be convinced that real event OCD can be fixed from therapy (without having to accept some type of delusional thinking) - and you're right, this "maybe maybe not" doesn't produce true peace of mind imo if it's something real and important. GL!

hulder

Date posted: 15d

@Dude01 Yeah, it’s difficult. But I will say, don’t avoid therapy. Despite still struggling at times, I would be worse off if I hadn’t started therapy. You learn a lot, and thankfully I’ve managed to cut out a lot of compulsions. Before therapy I would lay in bed and isolate myself completely. Now I am functional, just struggling to be more than that. But it’s a process, and I don’t regret it or think it’s not worth doing.

uncertain_Aly

Date posted: 20w

Does OCD impact your ability to get to work?

Often times I find myself spiraling out in the morning about all sorts of things. When I try and catch myself and figure out what I am obsessing over it’s like it goes away. I haven’t moved. I have been sitting frozen on the floor because I can’t go to work because I am behind on work and I hate being late and I hate being messy but I am frequently late and my room is cluttered and full of stuff. I want to be good and move and go to work but I don’t know what is coming today and I hate my job so I know I will get bored and when I have nothing to keep me busy and engaged I like start thinking and taking an inventory of what is going on and then I will feel a sensation and what is the sensation? How did it happen? And I know that I will pick up the bad emotions in the office and get contaminated, I was really worried about things like this as a kid too I cried because I had to touch dirt in kindergarten. I know I am this way and I have been this way for a while but at the same time I think I might just be normal and like I don’t know why I get stuck in thinking like this. Then I begin to doubt that OCD is real because everyone has a brain with wiring and everyone gets stuck in thought sometimes. I feel disabled from whatever this is because I am stuck. I literally cannot move because I don’t know what’s wrong and I know I have to go to work even though I feel like every moment I spend there is making everything worse because other people are so stressed and I get it from them. And I don’t feel ready because I just feel off and something is wrong and I just don’t know what to do because if it’s OCD or not OCD everything anyone knows about me is coming from me and I worry that I am often masking all the thinking I’m doing because thinking all the time is rude and inconsiderate and inconvenient for those around me, but I can’t stop. I just don’t feel right, right now - and I want to know WHY?? Why is everything off all the time? How do I even know that I am not making up the experience of OCD in my head to cover up something really wrong with me and now I am taking on the symptoms of OCD like an actress, because this could be something that I can latch onto as a final hope for explaining why I am stuck. So stuck so deeply and terribly stuck sitting on my floor next to my bed just scrolling to avoid thinking because any time I start thinking I am left with no answers or help or anything just this swirly feeling. I know I am trying, maybe not my best, but as much as I possibly can. I want to be a Special Education Teacher but I have so much so so so much doubt and uncertainty about every decision I make and everything I know that I can’t get there right now. I can’t do anything right now until it feels ok and then I will. It never feels ok. I know I have to be ok not feeling ok about it. I can be unsure and still be ok. I know it’s just my thinking and my body but I just can’t get past this feeling. And then I know that because I can calm myself and be ok even though I spent 2 hours of my life today already feeling stuck and spinning around and around and around in my head - I don’t feel sure about my OCD and I think it’s a bit of a scam made up by people to cultivate pathology around deep human thought because one day I might figure it out and we all think a lot.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

bcraig

Date posted: 8w

Sitting in the spiral

Hi all, First time posting and it comes in the midst of a big spiral and panic. Currently dealing with what we think is borderline existential OCD where I feel like I’ve come to believe that I’m not real, that this is all a dream, that I’m actually a psychotic person walking down the street imagining all of this. Got very triggered yesterday by seeing someone screaming and yelling at what seemed to be nothing. Had a panic attack this morning and just haven’t been a wreck since worrying that I’m going to end up in psych ward, realize I’m actually crazy, etc. Been in NOCD therapy for almost 4 months now and still struggling to sit with the uncertainty, avoid researching, seeking reassurance, and most of all ruminating. Anyone go through something similar and if so what were key tactics you used during these spirals to calm things down and recenter yourself?

Existential OCD

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Life is tough

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