ROCD Spiral

I really need help rn but I feel like a horrible person. For context: I am on my period right now, 2 hours of sleep last night because cramps were so bad, haven't eaten until now and it's 7pm, had to work all day, so it's kinda just a perfect storm. On top of that my ROCD has lots to latch onto: 1) Me and my bf of almost 2 years just renewed our lease for another year and that just is obviously triggering for ROCD. 2) Somehow the biggest trigger is the fact that he shaved his beard last night, and he often wears a thick beard and when he shaves it's like he shaves 10 years off his face and I feel like I'm dating a teenager. My ROCD is really latching onto this and I'm struggling to feel attracted to him and that's opening a whole Pandora's box of ROCD fixations for me and I HATE that my brain blows up such a tiny thing into the end of the world. On top of that, I'm feeling the INCREDIBLY STRONG URGE to confess (which is a compulsion) to him that I'm having these thoughts but I know that would only give me temporary relief and would make him feel deeply insecure about himself for no good reason. I hate myself and I feel like he loves me unconditionally regardless of how I look and I'm just being so nitpicky and shallow.

KAW1007

Date posted: 15d

I’m in the same boat lately. Slept like shit. Period day 3. And keep getting horrific thoughts about my husband and my ocd is latching left and right. I also have a confession compulsion and reassurance compulsion and the anxiety is eating me alive.

FallForest

Date posted: 15d

Oh thank God I'm not the only one! I'm literally stuck in bed and feel sick to my stomach and my chest is in pain I have so much anxiety...over my bf shaving his beard. This feels so shallow and excessive and I am SURE it's being amplified by the hormones and sleep deprivation and the fact I've barely eaten but I'm so scared I'm going to wake up tomorrow and feel the same exact way...

KAW1007

Date posted: 15d

@FallForest I feel the same way you are not alone 💜

FallForest

Date posted: 15d

@KAW1007 Thank you! I ended up taking a walk to help clear my head a little bit and now I'm just trying to distract myself with music and YouTube (specifically music reactions on youtube). Is there anything you do that helps steer you away from going over the edge, so to speak?

Catsaremylife

Date posted: 15d

I’m in the same boat! Not exactly, I’m more ruminating on my faults and feeling like I don’t deserve my boyfriend, but I’m in your shoes when it comes to the urge to confess.

Catsaremylife

Date posted: 15d

It would be so freeing to just spew everything out but I know it isn’t fair because it makes me feel better but makes him feel crappy. It’s really hard to find a balance.

FallForest

Date posted: 15d

Yeah, it's like second nature to want to share everything with your partner and be honest with them! But at the same time I know that it would be harmful to share all the thoughts in my head, which leads me to distance myself and hide parts of myself and feel like I need to deal with it alone. But that also hurts him because he's so sweet and understanding and I just push him away : /

Catsaremylife

Date posted: 15d

@FallForest Yep! I totally get it. I feel the same way, and I’m struggling trying not to distance myself. It’s also second nature to try to avoid things that trigger these feelings but I can’t do that when the trigger is my partner.

Hope309

Date posted: 23w

Spiraling ROCD

I think I’ve officially lost it today. I have completely convinced myself that I’m not actually in love with my partner. That I’m only with him for comfort. I struggle with trying to “feel” love. In past relationships where I’m sure I didn’t actually love them I idolized a version of them, it was an intense all consuming passion. With my boyfriend now it’s not like that and I think my obsession is also keeping it away. I met him on a blind date. It wasn’t until our 3rd date and first kiss did I feel something and even during the dating I was obsessing if he was going to be good to me or not. At not one point during our relationship was I ever at peace or simply enjoying it. I feel something guilty about this. He has flaws and I amplified them as proof we are not right for each other. I hyper fixate on feeling of past relationships and if I feel for him those feelings. He is a wonderful person who doesn’t deserve this, I’m scared of working on myself too because what if I get better and then “yep I still feel the same” then I’d have to leave him and that also sucks. My hurt on leaving him is the only thing keeping me tethered honestly because the thought of him being out there in the world and I not being able to talk with him kills me. I don’t know what love is anymore or what I’m supposed to feel. I’m so ashamed of myself, I’m crying in the bathroom stall at work feeling like I need to break up with him because it’s the right thing to do.

Anonymous

Date posted: 10w

Rocd help please

Ok so this all could be for reassurance but I’m rlly upset en and need help. So to preface, I had ocd when I was younger her and when I started dating my current bf it suddenly returned but ig I didn’t realize it was rocd bc I never knew it could present itself in this way. All I knew was “go away I just wanna love my bf and stop liking other guys” when my brain would get me so confused. A couple weeks ago I started on Luvox and I thought it was rlly working bc I also started seeing an ocd specialist and she gave great tips on exposures and the Medication in conjunction w that jus felt like it finally make me myself again. However, yesterday I had some gwneral intrusive thoughts in the morning and right before that, I was on top of the world so happy bc I was myself again. When the thoughts came I was like ew oh whatever. UNTIL my brain was like nagging me and making me feel guilty for having those thoughts. So I dove into em making sure they weren’t true etc. bc that never fixes anything it kept progressively getting worse and I forgot my exposures in those moments bc I just wanted to make sure I loved my man and didn’t do smth against him. Towards the later day, I was swimming w my siblings and my bf and the whole time I had a blast bc he’s the best, but I had nagging thoughts and feelings saying some guy from my new job is similar looking but slightly better looking and he’s the one guy I’ll leave my bf for. And it’s been saying that and variations of it from over 24 hrs now and I feel so awful. I feel guilty and to make things worse. Last night bc I spiraled/ relapsed so hard my thoughts also said I wanna leave my bf bc I no longer love him and I miss those old feelings but I can’t jus forget how awful I am as a gf to him bc my thoughts and ocd feelings. I feel terrible and I jus wanna be fixed😓I don’t wanna like that guy my man is my bsf and so cute and handsome and perfect. Why am I still “confused” if I don’t wanna be etc. my therapist said to go toward my goals and Values and not let ocd stop me from it, but I feel as if I can’t til I make sure I don’t like the other person or wanna but all I want is to be me but I feel like a liar 😞

ellij

Date posted: 10w

ROCD flare up

Lately my ROCD has been flaring up, making it difficult to even be around my partner. I’m having so many troubling thoughts with the one that bugs me most being, “maybe this isn’t my OCD, maybe I’m just in a bad relationship and I’m trying to cover it up and blame it on OCD”. This thought really scares me because there are valid doubts in my relationship but my boyfriend and I have openly talked about them and are trying to work through. My OCD won’t take that as an option tho. It makes me feel like I need to be 100% certain that these things can NEVER happen again or else we need to break up immediately. So anything he says in that moment about trying to do better, my OCD will not trust anything he says and just wait until the next “bad thing” happens. When I continuously bring these things up to my boyfriend even tho nothing has happened between these conversations, it exhausts him making it feel like he can never do enough. I feel so bad because I know it’s just my OCD getting in the way. But then that thought creeps in saying I can’t trust him because I need to protect myself. It’s just an ongoing cycle that is so tiring. I don’t even know what I want anymore. We are very opposite when it comes to emotions. I am very in tune and very emotionally intelligent, and he is not. He is the opposite. I do recognize that my anxious attachment style may be hard for him too but I can’t stop thinking about all of his flaws and all of the things he needs to do to make our relationship better. It makes me feel like I’m the only one putting in effort when in reality that is not true. But my OCD does make me feel like he doesn’t really love me or want to be with me and that he feels forced to be with me or do things for me. It makes me feel like him being with me is like a chore. Can anyone relate? My OCD just makes me feel like I can’t trust anything he says to make our relationship better.

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