Obsessive thinking or real problem?

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.

I made a really stupid mistake over two years ago. I brushed it off and have just assumed everything was fine since. I even forgot about it. Recently, I saw a reel on my phone that triggered anxiety and ruminating about said mistake. Everyday when I wake up and fall asleep, it’s all I think about. I begun opening up to loved ones about the story and they all reassured me that everything’s fine, and that it’s really “not a big deal”. I’m still very much on edge, paranoid, and aware that it could come back to bite me in the ass. It’s consumed my mind so much to the point where I don’t enjoy the things I used to, it’s difficult keeping up with daily tasks, it has stripped me of my motivation and my relationships with other people due to isolation. I’m physically sick from worrying about the future, coming up with every worst possible case scenario and mentally living in that persona instead of what’s happening right now in front of me in the present.

Okay I might sound crazy and I need alittle advice. Recently I took off work for a month to go visit Europe. I left being on very good terms with my work friends. They all said they loved me and they’ll miss me etc. They also usually text. Last time I left on a long vacation they would occasionally reach out to me, like my stories, etc. This time around, everything was normal for the first week. They liked my stories and we texted briefly. Now…. A week or so later, it’s dead silent on their end. They haven’t texted. They view my stories but they don’t like them. (I’m not saying they have to but it’s normal for them to do that). I can’t help but think something has been said about me that’s negative. Or they’re mad at me for maybe the one time I talked about them years ago in a slightly negative way because I was venting. (But doesn’t everyone do that at some point?) And I know it’s not nice to hear that a friend said something about you when it comes through a rumor. But that’s all I could think of. Maybe there is a lie being said or misconstrued. Or maybe I’m not that important for them like I thought I was. Or maybe it isn’t that deep? I sound legit insane right now because I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal but every day I’m waking with anxiety. I feel so down and blue and any time I post I’m anxiously waiting to see if they saw and liked my story. If they didn’t like it but saw it, it just confirms my fear that they’re upset with me. Which devastates me because they’re close friends and they are my community back home. I work full time so I see them daily and we would always hang out. Now I feel like they all are over me and like I did something wrong but I just don’t know what and I’m so sad and anxious and I feel so dumb for even feeling this way because I can identify that I’m having a spiral but I have no idea how to stop it. I’m trying. I won’t reach out and ask them because that would just make my ocd worse. So I’m posting here. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to help me overcome this with out seeking validation from them? What are your overall thoughts and what techniques or exercises would you recommend for me so that I can stop letting this consume me? Thank you in advance if you are still reading.