The struggle to forgive myself

As a teenager and in other ways up until age 21, I was just an absolutely horrible person. It wasn't just a one time event that I regret, it was a lifestyle. I was a hedonist and a narcissist to an unbelievable degree and didn't even realize it. I read people's stories on here related to their real events and I just feel that I've done so much worse so it fuels this feeling that I'm unredeemable. And again it's not like I just made "one mistake." I was living under such a cloud of self-delusion and non-confrontation that I couldn't even embrace that what I was doing was wrong. Something pulled me out of that one night and I was forced to confront my actions (I believe it was God) but I've been living in this hell that is obsession ever since. I'm so guilty and ashamed and I'm desperate to find redemption. I can't forgive myself and I can't understand why I was the way I was or how on earth I even covered up what I was doing from others and even from myself mentally. I would just put a veil in my mind and not even think it was an issue. It's more likely than not that I am what I fear I am, so I guess trying to unconditionally accept the possibility of being what I fear is the only real way through this. Realistically I deserve all the suffering I'm receiving but I realize I can't have that mindset if I'm to have any hope of recovery. This is unbelievably isolating and I can't talk to anyone because of the risks involved. All I can do is try to limit compulsions, try to (somehow) accept the possibility of the worst case scenario and do my best to serve others.

Real Events OCD

light💕

Date posted: 16w

Hi my friend, can I ask You before commenting on your post here? back in those days what kind of environment You lived in?

Wallaby787

Date posted: 16w

Back when I was a teenager, I'll admit I was in a sort of strange place. And I can understand where some of my base traits like narcissistic behaviors at the time may have stemmed but some of my actions are simply not something I can explain. I was raised in a cult and around this time was the point where I was separating from it and trying to be more on my own. The cult actively focuses on centering your attention on yourself and your own mindset, abilities etc, and looks at people themselves as basically gods, which makes it easy to turn into narcissism. Additionally I was pretty isolated, addicted and lonely because I was homeschooled for quite some time. None of this however, justifies my actions

light💕

Date posted: 16w

@Wallaby787 Who said "none of this justifes your actions"?!. I will tell You who, it's your ego. Most of us were/are affected by the environment we lived in, wether we are conscious to this or not. You CAN NOT judge a teenager and what they did back then, You were in a different level of consciousness, a complete different awareness, You were doing what You thought it was correct based on how you've been raised. Now, don't You think that if You weren't truly a good person inside You wouldn't wake up?! a good person suffers, blame theirshelves for what they did, a bad one would never care. I understand how very difficult it is to forgive our selves, but look at it as a journey... if You didn't go through that teenage period, You wouldn't have been woken for the real better You. each one of us have their own different journeys, but we all share a human road no matter what, each human have worth, including YouYou are deserving to be forgiven, to be free so You can move on in your life giving your best to the world. This have been chosen since your wake up. Just keep walking on your journey with open eyes and heart. Hope this finds You a little comfort🕊️All The Best my friend 💕🙏🏻

Wallaby787

Date posted: 16w

@light💕 I really appreciate your kind and encouraging words but I think if you knew what I have done, you would hesitate to extend me the same sympathy. I hope you're right though and that I can be forgiven. It's weird because looking back it's like I knew it was wrong and would feel bad but then would justifiy it and sort of mentally cover it with a veil and move on. I just wasn't able or willing to confront what I was doing I think. Thank you again for the encouragement, friend.

light💕

Date posted: 16w

@Wallaby787 You don't have to tell me anything, We are here and now. let the past burn. You are saying that it was You were covering it inside your mind, a part of You knew it was wrong, but You couldn't acknowledge or face that because at that young age it would be extremely difficult, so You hide it into a safezone. Considering what have You done, if You feel like You must apologize to someone(s) don't hesitate, it will help You, and if they are no longer available, write what You want to say to them and read it out loud.

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