When I cannot trust my own written down memories, I don't want to go through an ERP or accept uncertainty! What do we live for, if we cannot just believe, what we had experienced.. ? All I want is to believe all of my good and the bad experiences actually happened!
Oh, I get it — when you can’t even trust what you wrote down, it can feel like, “Well then what’s the point of anything?” That’s a lonely, frustrating spot. Of course you want to believe every good and bad thing actually happened — that’s such a human wish. The really cruel part is that OCD sniffs out what matters most (your memories) and then pokes at them until they feel wobbly. ERP isn’t about giving up on your experiences — it’s about not letting OCD be the boss of which ones you’re “allowed” to keep. We’re basically saying, “Yep, brain, maybe I’ll never be 100% sure… and I’m still going to live my life anyway.” Think of it like telling OCD, “Thanks for your opinion, but I’ll take it from here.” It doesn’t like being ignored, but over time it gets quieter.
Dude, you make me feel less crazy and alone. I can identify with your mindset. With me, I had some good experiences I want to hold on to and feel good about as I live the rest of my life but feel uncertainty about not feeling the same way about the experiences permanently so it makes me feel like I need to look at them passively not to embrace them so much because it won't last. Specifically to your concern, which Ive had....I tell myself that I know I had the experiences fully - it happened. At times I can tap into them even if they are fragments at a time and some imagination to fill in the gap of what I can't pull up. I believe what I experienced but can't always tap into the whole experience at a time.
I am thinking more about what you said and can identify more with it. Certain experiences I must have not given enough conscious awareness to it for it to imprint or store in long term memory. At times, I've tried repeating the experience while paying attention to the senses...adding characteristics of smell sight what it felt like to help remember that I actually experienced what I think I experienced. Then thoughts and false images bring about doubt.
@Mike6060 - My humble advice would be to try and be present as much as you can with the experiences you want to remember.
@Mike6060 Thank you so much! your 1st 2 comments r really helpful cause with false memory ocd reassurance seeking is all I can do and your explanations r good! But being present in the moment don't always happened with me I also have somatic ocd and get distracted easily!
@deadrotloop - I'm so glad I was any kind of help. No problem on the third one, you pick out what is helpful and throw the rest out. Mike
@Mike6060 No.. u know I do try to be present as much as I can, sometimes it's hard but ur advices r all good ♡
@deadrotloop - One last thing... with my false memory problem, the experiences I doubt I deem they didn't happen at least the parts I don't remember. This helps me not bang my head against a wall so to speak. It puts a yes or no to the experience. I can't or don't know how to process a maybe it happened when I need to know .
@Mike6060 - Or put a blank there until I can fill it.
@Mike6060 you are soo right, I feel the same!
@Mike6060 the experiences I doubt I also consider them as they didn't happen, then about my written experiences where I wrote down by myself about good experiences and I knew it was best... when I doubt those then what to do? I can't say it didn't happen there's written evidence for those and these memories r important to me!
@deadrotloop - Since your doubting them, you don't know what happened except that something did happen. If you're writing it down as it happened, then it did happen but you may not remember it right? That's where the it did happen but I can't tap into it right now. Still may be bothered at the time that you can't remember at least you know it did happen.
@Mike6060 - I first try to process things then work on accepting or letting go. However that may look like.
@Mike6060 - I too have a memory that I am going crazy over trying to remember a specific detail because it's important to me. I haven't let it go yet. I am not certain it happened because I don't have a vivid memory of it just belief it happened and that is not good enough because I am not sure that it actually happened. So I crossed it off as happening.
@Mike6060 if I'm about to cross all the experiences I doubt I'm gonna have to cross out all of them which means i am left with zero experience that I can value.. and that's how I started to write good moments down and looking those written good moments i can doubt them and can not remember them but I cannot cross them out.. they're all I'm left with.. even though foggy and cannot see them as I expected still i believe they're there!
@deadrotloop - Do you doubt all of the details of the experiences? Can you hold on to partial experiences and fill in the gap with your imagination until you can remember? We only remember fragments at a time I believe.
@Mike6060 - There's a term that I just found called memory hoarding. Look into that. I haven't just yet. Maybe there is also some insight from there as well.
@Mike6060 yes I know about memory hoarding! that's what we've been doing? we want to store every little details and we're like keeping the folders open also, keep checking if those are there!
@deadrotloop which neurotypical ppl don't do.. they just trust the memory without analysing too much!
@Mike6060 right I don't doubt the whole experience but those small details... then when I can't trust my memory i want to cross out the whole experience like it wasn't a good experience
@deadrotloop - Touche my friend touche.
@deadrotloop - Partial experiences are experiences as well....theyre experiences in a window of time just like the "full" experience...? You had an experience let's say ... a b c happened and because you don't trust x y z cross that off and maybe put a blank there....You sub experience was in itself an experience on its own. Let the individual parts that you belief still be the parameter...multiple full experiences then.....how about that ? Break it down. Do you have to group so much time to call it one experience?
@Mike6060 thanks it ends here! I feel like OCD got threatened out of our today's conversation! it'll come weaker from now on! wish you the best!
@deadrotloop - Sounds good. Same to you.
I have a bunch of real event/false memory and there is one that I remember I got in the middle of a horrible episode and I believed it was false but now I can’t remember why I thought it was false and now believe it could be real and it’s just bothering me so much because I want to remember the details to why I believed it was false in the first place and I’m just in a horrible spot and feel disgusting and am getting intrusive thoughts on my themes when I try to check if they are intrusive or not and I can’t function like i don’t wanna be around anyone because all I want to do is confess but I can’t because then I’ll obsess on confessing and they won’t understand.
So hard to not engage the thoughts because even though it's from the "past" (i don't even know if im remembering things correctly and it kills me) and i can't change it, I just NEED to prove it to myself that it didn't happen this way. If you'd asked me questions maybe a few months ago, I would have been able to lucidly explain things. Now I just feel like I'm in a constant swarm of thoughts, not knowing if anything is real. If my brain is to be trusted. Wish I could just get hypnosis to forget
This situation just happened and I can definitely remember how it went but my brain is telling me otherwise and I know you guys said to sit with the uncertainty but what if the intrusive thought is so bad like disgusting, I can’t sit with that. Maybe it’s false memory but this just happened. I don’t even know how to live with this
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