A new fear has arisen that I’m a latent racist. I hate this. The worst part is, I’ve actually thought some racist things in the past. I can only remember about two, because they worried me, but that’s still wrong. I had one about an hour ago hence I’m writing this. I want to love everyone and not judge. I’m wrong for this. It’s not right nor fair.

Then why have I had racist thoughts before (not intrusive)! :((

@Eden :) If you have a thought about about drinking too much alcohol, does that make you an alcoholic? If you’re mad at someone and have a thought pop in your head about punching that person, does that make you a violent assailant? In the same way, even if you did have racist thoughts, that doesn’t make you a racist.

@dpveritasgold Wow thank you for that. I hope you’re right and I hope I’m not a racist. I would never act a specific way based on these thoughts. I just feel a bit shitty that they’re there! I appreciate your words so much though

I’m glad I’m not alone! The root of it is definitely around morality and being a good person. I hope we get to where we wish to be ?

The thing is, you can’t control your thoughts or your feelings. A platform on which everyone is white is different than a platform on which there are differerent races. That’s a fact. The feelings that come up when you think of this are not something you decide to have. You do have control over what you do, say, and agree with. Try to accept the idea that perhaps you are racist, but know that it’s your decision what you do and if you behave in a racist way. That’s what my therapist recommended I do. I don’t know if it applies to your situation but I hope thinking about it in that way helps. You get to decide what you do, regardless of feelings or thoughts you have, which are uncontrollable and don’t necessarily mean anything.

@_esary_ Thank you! I would never ever do anything racist, or let these awful thoughts reflect into my actions. I just hate that I have them in my head. So so much. I have an internet friend and I don’t know what she looks like. But I always just assumed she was white... I don’t know why. And then I began to wonder if maybe she was black, and felt / worried it would change things. How horrible is that! I’m awful. I don’t think it’s necessarily a race thing. It’s more a ‘oh I thought it was a certain way for so long and now it could be a different way’ kinda thing. But still...

@Eden :) Yeah those kind of small things bother me too. It’s very difficult not to obsess over the reasons your brain does things.. I find it really terrifying but the idea is to accept that you may or may not be a racist without arguing with the thoughts or anxiety.. that’s what I try to do.