Existential OCD centered on suicide — has anyone felt this?

Hi everyone, I’m struggling with OCD that’s very existential and focused on suicide. A few days ago I was convinced my life with my family was good and I felt calm and grounded. Then a disturbing shift came over me: a quiet, reflective feeling that felt almost omniscient, like nothing matters anymore and that love and the reasons we live are superficial and have no real value. Since that feeling arrived, my conviction that life is worth living has disappeared. The current state feels more like the ultimate truth because it is so intense and deep. It even feels, and I hold this as a kind of sacred conviction, that what I’m experiencing, feeling, and “knowing” is unique and has never happened to anyone else. When I don’t have this feeling, normal life — living my life and loving my family — doesn’t feel as vivid or important, and that makes my head tell me the normal reality must be fake. I try to draw strength from my love for my wife and children, but the more I think about it the more I get the sense that I don’t truly love them enough or that their love might not be a strong enough reason to stay alive. I’m constantly stuck in my head wondering whether this is depression or some unshakable knowledge or obsession I can’t get rid of. I also get intrusive thoughts that if I ever felt better and no longer had suicidal or depressive impulses, I would just be burying my head in the sand and pretending everything is fine. It feels hyper-important and overshadows other OCD, depression and anxiety worries. Has anyone else experienced existential or suicide-centered OCD like this, especially the sudden omniscient feeling that everything is meaningless and which then feels more real than ordinary life, or the conviction that your experience is totally unique? How do you cope when your love for family feels insufficient because of the obsession? Any strategies, therapies, or ways of thinking that have helped would be really appreciated. Thank you.

Dee C

Date posted: 3d

Sorry but I too have found myself going down the OCD rabbit hole questioning the meaning of life, death, thoughts, feelings, sensations, consciousness, space, time, shapes, colors, skin, touch, taste, smells, etc. In my journey I’ve learned that I cannot control what comes to my mind but I can control whether to respond. Knowing that this is my OCD, I choose not to engage with or judge my OCD thoughts. Instead I choose to watch them float on. Inherently, some of these questions have no answers. Nor can there be 100% certainty. That being the case, I accept the uncertainty & rather than doing compulsions, I pass it on to my higher power and move forward living life in accordance with my values (family, friends, gardening, exercising, reading, whatever 🤗). Sometimes I write the existential thoughts down and read them later. I’d comment how my brain can come up with such imagery, fascinations and just shrug. Hope this helps and please know that you are not alone.

Rpnnursing1

Date posted: Yesterday

I deal with this everyday. It’s terrible. And makes you feel so alone or that you’re losing it. I think about it for a bit and then try and focus on what I’m doing in the now. I just have to keep bringing myself back , constantly training just like a puppy. Sometimes I go through my photos and videos of my kids and it brings me back as well

mandiocd

Date posted: 21w

Existential ocd help please.

m at the point where every night I contemplate going to the ER for my terrible thoughts. For the past 2.5 years I’ve been struggling with extremely bad existential ocd/nihilism. One day I woke up and had a nihilistic thought and since that day I’ve had severe nihilistic and suicidal thoughts. I truly don’t wanna do anything because in the end we die. In the end life is meaningless because we die. I feel almost delusional bc these thoughts feel true. Anything I do my brain goes “why are you doing this? It’s not gonna matter” I’m getting married in June and I don’t feel anything. I don’t wanna do anything. I don’t care to. I have to quit my RN job at the hospital because of this terrible theme. I don’t see a point in anything. Life doesn’t make sense. Death terrifies me. And life feels meaningless. My life is ruined. I hate ocd I hate it.

Existential OCD

mandiocd

Date posted: 16w

A meaning crisis

I’m currently reading existential psychotherapy by Irvin yalom. In his chapter.. “meaninglessness” the first paragraph he describes about a man who ended his life because he truly was overwhelmed with the “meaninglessness of life” and how doing absolutely anything was meaningless because it ended it death. The questions drove him insane and he committed. This was stated in this book and he also stated multiple people did end there life’s during an overwhelming meaning crisis. Please help. If anyone has been through this please reach out. I have stopped going to my nursing shifts. I’ve lost all hope. I believe I’m going through a horrible existential crisis. I’ve suffered from ocd my whole life but I think this might not be existential ocd. I can’t seem to create meaning in my life. I can’t seem to live without us having an inherent meaning. No answers or anything is helping. I’m really struggling. Please.

Existential OCD

mandiocd

Date posted: 14w

Please help existential ocd

Existential ocd is deeply affecting me. A lot of people say death is equally as meaningless, I do agree, however, if life is mostly suffering and anxiety to me, then death is not as equally meaningless. It seems logical. I have severe ocd and my life is just suffering, so if life is meaningless, it’s logical for me to not see a reason to keep going. I’m not necessarily depressed. Just incredibly aware of how pointless this all is? There’s no end goal to any of this. It baffles me of how people can care about money and materialistic things, because what’s the point? You’ll die in the end and nothing will matter. ****please please please do not tell me to get into religion I’m begging you****

Existential OCD

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Existential OCD centered on suicide — has anyone felt this?

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