The grey area

It’s so hard sometimes to differentiate between a genuine need and a compulsion. I’ve been feeling insecure in my relationship and I just want to keep asking for attention, I’ve been doing a lot of mental review and checking compulsions and prompting to see if he “still cares,” but I know it is coming from a place of wanting more verbal affection. I’m sitting with this instead of talking to him about it right now but I also want to be able to communicate how I’m actually feeling. I don’t know, it’s just Blegh and I want someone to tell me what to do but I know that’s not good for me.

Ccoffey1

Date posted: 22d

I’ve been feeling this way too. Mine is more based on rituals. For example, in the morning I like to say good morning to my girlfriend. Some mornings, though, I prefer to hear it from her. So my mind starts to become anxious as I grapple with deciding whether or not to say it to her, over this desire of wanting to hear it from her, first. (I want to say it because I know she’ll say it back! But I don’t want to say it first in hopes that she says it first! Oh but what if she doesn’t say anything at all?! Ahhh!) It sounds all a bit silly until you realize that it’s essentially what you’re describing: I just want her to give me some reassurance/affection. I honestly don’t really see how communicating how you feel isn’t good for you, but I’m also not a therapist. In my experience, though, I have found that sitting her down and talking to her about my struggles has been immensely helpful both in her understanding and her being able to support me within reason.

eweiner

Date posted: 22d

@Ccoffey1 It’s so nice hearing that someone else experiences the exact same thing, and it also sucks because, well, it sucks!! I tend to bottle my feelings up out of fear of being overbearing because I have been a bit critical in the past, do you have advice on how to have those talks without it turning into an outburst or a compulsion?

Ccoffey1

Date posted: 22d

@eweiner I totally get it trust me. You’re talking to someone who just had a tough conversation with my girl last night about something I was critiquing her on. I’m working on it :) So I do not know you personally, so I don’t know your relationship with this person nor your communication style, so I don’t think I could give you an exact template to follow, but I will just say this: when I talk to her about things like this, I am *very* careful not to be accusatory. Remember: most of the time it isn’t their fault we feel this way. For one reason or another we just have a need we would like for them to meet if they’re willing, and simply haven’t communicated it yet. The urge often times is we want to point the finger and even get angry, because anger feels waaaaay better than anxiety. All the while, we never even told them what was wrong in the first place. Anyway, instead, I make it all about me! Using words like “I”, “me”, “myself”, etc. purely expressing how I feel. Talking slow, intentionally; being quick to listen and slow to speak if she has something to say.

Ccoffey1

Date posted: 22d

Hopefully that helps, but remember, I’m not a therapist, so maybe run what I’m saying by yours because they know you best.

ashazalia

Date posted: 22w

Relationship issues?

Does anyone know how can you determine ROCD compulsive thoughts vs actual relationship issues necessary to bring up? I’ve been in multiple abusive relationships in the past and I don’t want to go through that again. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we’re both mentally ill and we’ve hurt each other a lot over the years. I have some trauma due to their alcoholism, but I want to still be there for her. However my head is constantly telling me that whenever they’re gone I’m worried they’re drinking and cheating, trying to harm themself, planning on harming me or they’re gonna die if im not basically with them 24/7. Even when I want time to myself I force myself to be with them sometimes out of fear. I see them do/say something that might suggest these things (following a new girl, ignoring my texts while they’re out, raising their voice at me etc.) and I’m even more convinced and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know what is a suspicion I SHOULD bring up to them, and what is just a compulsive thought. :( How do I determine that?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 20w

I feel lost

I honestly can’t tell when thoughts are being affected by OCD. Sometimes I think I have what I think are normal “grey” thoughts, but then OCD adds so much weight to them and I spiral. I had this thought that I wished my boyfriend was more confident or independent. I felt so guilty for thinking it. I told him, and of course it hurt him. He told me it’s a normal thought to have, I just dwell on it too much. And that it’s the kind of thought most people keep to themselves. That’s the thing. I don’t know what’s okay to keep to myself and what isn’t. I think sometimes I say things out loud not just to relieve anxiety, but because I genuinely don’t know what’s okay to think or say. I do not know the line between a normal grey thought and something that’s “bad” to think. I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I should process privately or something I need to be ashamed of. I get this confusion with intrusive thoughts too, but those are easier to spot and evaluate. This is harder, because again, it is *my* thought. That makes it harder to sit with. Maybe the intrusive part is the voice that questions what kind of person I am for even thinking it. I don’t have the same telltale signs anymore. My physical anxiety isn’t there anymore, it’s all in my head and that makes it so much more confusing. But I don’t know. The line between honesty vs compulsion is so blurry. I just feel lost

Doopydoowa

Date posted: 16w

Please help-relationship advice

Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.

Relationship OCD

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The grey area

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