Mourning for the living

So, this is my first time posting or talking about this ti anyone.. I need Help dealing with the grief for my lost old self.. I keep ruminating about how much I could've achieved and who I might have become if I didn't go through this ( Sever MDD+OCD) especially in a very sensitive period like adolescence in hugh school where i had a lot of ambitions about my academic potential.. I used to have a lot of dreams now I can't even imagien a future.. I don't recognize myself anymore .. I have read it before and i never forgot it "mental illness is the only ilness that makes families abd individuals grieve someone who is Alive, he might be there but not quiet the same anymore" It has been 4 years since i was diagnosed at 16 and not a day goes by where U don't think about it , it hurts to not be able to stop thinking about something in the past that stull affects you today it just hurts..

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w

By your post, it seems like you are about 20 years old, and being almost 4 times your age, I would just tell you you have plenty of time to turn things around and be who you’ve always wanted to be. All you can do is work with what you have in the present moment.

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Thank you so much! that really helps make me feel more hopefull about the future.. I'll try my best and I wish one day I can be content with what I achieve in life and wish you the best too!

FkOCD

Date posted: 14w

This is clearly a strong major depressive episode, my suggestion is to contact your caregiver and try to be committed in therapy and if your psychiatrist decides medication, gd luck 🍀

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Thanks for your suppourt,I have been on a lot of meds before especially when it was sever now i actually just got off my meds after tapering it slow but this thought just keeps rummuniating and keeps me in the same loop.

FkOCD

Date posted: 14w

I understand. We should always remember that rumination is just what OCD creates and it only grows stronger if we give it power. I lived undiagnosed most of my life and only began treatment 10 years ago, and since then I’ve cherished every single day I end thinking: I won the battle today. I no longer dwell on the years I lost to my symptoms, because whenever I thought this is the worst it can get, it still found a way to become harder until I realized that surrendering only makes it worse. What matters is refusing to give up. So let’s celebrate the glorious life you have ahead of you. You’re still very, very young the world is truly yours.

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

@FkOCD Thank you! True, This is a really helpful and logical way to look at it and it does make one feel more content and grateful for things as they are.. this made me feel alot better honestly, tsm.

TapDrumRoll

Date posted: 5w

I feel for you and appreciate the gravity of what life has dealt you and I. I’m 57 and o didn’t find help for my ocd until a few years ago. I’ve had these thoughts since my 20s. Just try and remind yourself of how blessed, not cursed, you are that the knowledge that NOCD brings to you is readily available to you. You will work hard, you will have new insights, you will have setbacks, but you will learn to navigate and tame those thoughts. I didn’t find NOCD until 2021. And the ERP was actually not helping much, but then I found a therapist who does EMDR, she wanted me to heal old trauma issues first before jumping into erp. So what I’m saying is, there is no one way of getting to where we want to be. EMDR is helping me greatly, and I’m still a work in progress. I can’t sit around thinking about how I didn’t go to college, have kids, get that promotion, meet those friends, be that daughter or friend I wish I could’ve been to those people and on and on, I’ve passed up things too. But mostly I have forced myself to keep going out and being scared a lot. Sometimes my legs actually shake while I’m out and about. So keep up the hard work. You are worth it. Breathing exercises are underrated I just learned. If I do them for 10 minutes or more even 30 minutes straight, I can’t believe how much better I feel. Even if temporarily it helps me to regain my footing. All these tools add up and subtly start to change us. I’m rooting for us all. We have a lot to learn and professionals who can help us.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5w

Thank you so much for your reply , your words and story are really inspiring! I'll jeep trying my best to move forward and not dwell on what had happened just look up and keep moving forward.

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