I’m going through this currently too, and let me say, I really feel for you. I’ve done the ruminating, the confessing, etc. and it is so incredibly debilitating. I hope you are able to find peace soon, you truly deserve it. I sought out ERP therapy for this exact reason and, although I’m DEFINITELY not at 100%, I’ve picked up some tools to handle the pain. First, I’ve learned that I am very critical of myself, which is a mindset that I really need to work on changing. I know it sounds cliché to say “Everyone makes mistakes. It’s just a part of being human,” but it really is true. I used to read that and my mind would say, “Yeah, sure. I don’t believe that. I made the worst mistake and that means I’m a terrible person.” But the fact is, “good” people can mess up too. It’s how we learn and become better versions of ourselves. Being uncomfortable with your mistake just shows how much it isn’t a reflection of yourself and your true values. No amount of self-punishment is going to make you a “better” person, your actions in the current moment are what matter. In that same vein, I know that keeping yourself from ruminating is so hard, but it is something that you have to work on not giving in to. You are never going to have absolute certainty about what you did, how bad it was, what will happen in the future, etc. Your mind will continue going in circles by doubting yourself endlessly. You have. to. stop. Which is easier said than done, I know. A statement that has helped me not give in to ruminating is, “Is me thinking through this mistake going to help me be who I want to be in the present, or is it just keeping me away from living my true, authentic life?” You cannot go back to change the past (which is something that is so hard to grapple with), but you can control what you do RIGHT NOW. As long as you have learned from your mistake and try as hard as you can to not do it again, you are okay. And finally, you must learn to be okay with the unknown and the uncertain. The worst case scenario could end up happening, or it may not. The best case scenario could end up happening, or it may not. The one thing that is true though, is that life goes on. No matter what happens, you will be able to get through it, even if you don’t believe it right now. OCD tells your body that something must be done right NOW about your thoughts by feeding you anxiety and overwhelming regret. But, in reality, they’re just thoughts. Yes, they are distressing. But nothing is happening to you. You cannot control the past and you cannot control the future. You must live in a middle ground where you know that you will be okay, eventually, no matter what comes your way. I know that you will be able to get through this. If you haven’t already and are able, I would suggest looking into ERP therapy because it really is changing my life. OCD is a battle, and you’ve got to put in the work to resist. Over time, you will get better.
