Anyone with HOCD in the stage where you're just accepting the thoughts and now It just feels like you're a lesbian. But I'm trying not to engage with this "feeling". So wierd. Idk if this is normal

Yeah that seems a bit more accurate. I have a bf and I love him and don't wanna leave him. But my HOCD is at such a wierd state. Like I don't feel anxious but the thoughts are still there and I'm just trying my best to not analyze them but idk.. Idek if I'm straight anymore ?? but I guess I gotta accept that I'll never really know

@NocturnalGyal Ya I feel it’s really hard....and scary. I was in a rlly toxic “relationship??” With a boy for almost 2 years (it was on and off) and he just left me, blamed everything on me and broke my heart soooo that’s been rough (it’s a long story, but he treated me awfully and I was great to him, but ya). But I always knew I liked him so he was like my boat of reassurance and now that that’s gone I freak out and am like “will there ever be another guy??” And ya idk I’m scared haha

@anne_powell Sorry to hear about the on and off relationship ? I know how annoying that is and how terrible it feels. I suffer from ROCD as well so this HOCD really just took the cake. Are you still hyperaware of women or than men?

@NocturnalGyal Ya i notice girls way more often than guys....I’m sure that’s a thing with hocd. I’ve heard about it. Before if I saw a pretty girl I’d never rlly care or just looked at what they wore and compared it to me, but I would always look at guys and if I found them cute I’d be like O.o and I remember having crushes on guys as a kid allll the time lol.

@NocturnalGyal But I also got this rlly young....13? But it’s been on and off though the years (never this bad), and I’ve also worried about being a pedo and harming others and world ending and all that fun stuff lol.

@NocturnalGyal Also do you notice girls more than guys too? Cause you’re like “checking” yourself lol

@anne_powell Yeah! That's what I'm saying, I'm not paying any mind to the hyperawareness of women. I know it's bullshit. I was never really boy crazy as a kid but I did ilhave crushes. I've analyzed my past so much it's only dug me into an even deeper hole ??but yeah, whenever u saw a pretty girl I'd just admire her looks and look at her features and wish I had them ??I was always jealous of other girls bodies. I was such an ugly ass kid ??

@anne_powell Yeah I notice girls more now but I'm ignoring that. I know I'm still suffering OCD so I'm just letting it go. I'm able to find guys attractive though but I haven't gotten that warm feeling that I used to back yet

@NocturnalGyal Dude I used to say I looked like a damn refrigerator? like I was so broad and my friends were so much skinner and curvy than me and I was so jealous. But ya I remember when I was 11 liking this boy at my cheer and wanting him to hold my hand and pick me up (he did lol) and getting annoyed when others say he liked this other girl. Then in kinder I liked a boy and chased him on the playground and 1st grade I would tell boys I found them cute. And I once went on a trip with a friend (whose now a lesbian) and she took off her towel and started stripping and doing very bad stuff and I covered my eyes and told her to put it back on and she asked why and I said it was disgusting. Soooo I’m like “that’s when attraction starts”. But As a kid (6-9) I was sexually assaulted by a man and witnessed him sexually assault like 7 other girls and rape my best friend soooo I used to have a lot of anxiety around boys and I remember sitting my mom down in like sixth grade and told her the boy I liked asked for my number and ya. So I’m like “??” Where did that go lmao. As well when I was 15 I had beat this demon and remember fantasizing about marrying different guys I liked and kissing multiple ones and not having anxiety and enjoying it lol. But ya soooo? I’m very like “wth is going on”

@NocturnalGyal Damn that was a book lol see I dig into my past as well haha

@anne_powell Digging in the past is the worst during hocd because it completely distorts your perception. You're looking at ybr past through an OCD lens. & & I'm sorry to hear about that ? it's understandable why you'd be so anxious. But of course HOCD will use that as proof. Do you still experience anxiety with the thoughts?

@NocturnalGyal Yes sometimes my anxiety will spike. Like I’ll be out with a friend and go “oh you’re happy so you must like her” then I’ll start testing if I’d kiss them and I freak out beyond belief cause I’m like “no I wouldn’t” than my mind goes “it’s just a kiss” and I get scared and I’m like omg I wouldn’t tho. I don’t wanna. And sometimes I even have a hard time depicting it and when I do I freak out. So ya. I also freak out that in the future imma be like “omg I was so in denial” and that has scared me but I’m like “I doubt that’ll happen, I could never accept this.” Cause what I’ve realized is, if you like someone you get good anxiety not bad. If you enjoy something and want it you’re not gonna question it. Also, we fear being attracted to our same gender when gay people enjoy the attractions, they fear people’s responses. And lastly, lesbians don’t sit around and think about it all day, they just are.

@anne_powell Yeah I know but this shit feels so real sometimes ??? just have to sit with it I guess. It's the intrusive thoughts that ruin me

@NocturnalGyal I feel. We just gotta let the anxiety run and hope for better days :)