WHAT HAPPENED

Why the h•••ll did this happen to me? Seriously, I felt like a normal person yesterday, and now this morning, I feel like I am now a p•••do. When I first woke up, I kept thinking about about the usual things about a kid, only this time it felt real. It was like I was into them sexually and because of that, my private parts growed. Even though I kept saying "no, no ,no" a lot, I felt was only talking to open air and it didn't feel like I meant it God, for the last couple of days, I truly felt normal for once, and against these thoughts. But now I know that I am a p•••do and a piece of s••••it for seeing kids that way. If I could go back before all of this happened, I f••••cking would. Because I KNOW I was never like this before.

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

Hi everyone, This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I’ve struggled with POCD for a while — intrusive thoughts that go against everything I believe in. I’ve never acted on them before. I’ve always been terrified of them and done everything to avoid them. But something happened the other night that I can’t stop replaying, and it’s tearing me apart. I was in that in-between state — not fully asleep, not fully awake. I was dreaming that something was “okay,” and in that moment, I moved my child’s hand toward me in a way I now feel completely ashamed of. I wasn’t aware of fully choosing it, but I remember it. I remember that it felt like I was following the dream, like my brain said it was okay. And the part I can’t stop obsessing over — that’s destroying me — is that in the dream, my child said, “no.” That moment makes me feel like the worst human being on the planet. I don’t know if he said it out loud or if it was part of the dream. But it felt real, and now I feel broken. I love my child more than anything. The fact that this happened — even in a foggy, dreamlike state — makes me feel like I crossed an unforgivable line. I’m not here to excuse it. I’m not here to get reassurance that it didn’t happen. I’m just trying to find someone — anyone — who has experienced something like this. Acting or moving in a way during sleep or semi-consciousness that your waking self would never do. I don’t know how to live with this guilt. I feel sick, ashamed, and like I’ve ruined everything. Please be kind. I’ve never felt more alone in my life, and I don’t know how to move forward from this.