ROCD

@Tea and Honey Thanks so much. I know it’s okay to be attracted somewhat to others while in a relationship as well, it’s just human. I’m even freaking out about eye contact I made with this person I’m a little bit attracted to and freaking out about it. I hate this.

@Tea and Honey Like it feels like I’m terrible partner

@Mk3 You are not. This is just normal OCD stuff. What makes you a good partner is the stuff that you actually do to put into the relationship. So don't worry about all the fake stuff that OCD sends across your mind. None of that matters. :):):)

@Tea and Honey Even if I know I made some sort of eye contact with the other guy I can’t even remember why I did it

@Mk3 Yes!!!! That doesn't matter. Just let things like that pass. Don't worry about them.

@Tea and Honey The more you can let things like that pass, the happier you will be. And if you feel happy and free, that will help your relationship as a whole. So you are actually helping your relationship by letting those little things pass by you without worrying about them.

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much! 🥰 I know worrying about eye contact no matter what the content is pretty silly

@Mk3 You got this!!!! OCD wants to keep us down, but when we let it go, we can live such a better life!!!:):):)

@Tea and Honey Yes. I think the ROCD makes the attraction into such a huge deal and wants to notice and make every little thing into a huge deal. And then spiral if it means I like this other person Like maybe without ROCD I wouldn’t care about any of this

@Tea and Honey And I also worry I was like following this other guy around in a sense like going inside when he did and trying to figure out why. Ugh the worry and guilt doesn’t end

@Mk3 Yes, OCD will keep bringing things up bringing things up, over and over and over. It's our job to keep letting it go and keep letting it go every time. You can do this!! OCD is relentless. But, over time, we can defeat it.

@Tea and Honey @Tea and Honey These things make me feel like a terrible partner and make me guilty and question if I like this other guy it’s so so so terrible. But yes letting it go is key

@Mk3 Remember, your feelings are false when they get mixed up into OCD. You might be FEELING like a bad partner, but you actually aren't. You might be FEELING guilty, but you actually have nothing to feel guilty about. We can't trust our feelings at all. For me, I go around all day feeling that I am in danger. And I often have feelings like I could be going to hell. All these feelings are false. They are not true at all!!! So we have to keep practicing living life, despite the fact that the feeling are all wrong inside. The more we practice the better!!

@Tea and Honey That is so true and great to remember. That maybe I don’t need to FEEL this badly and guilty over the various things I’ve mentioned having to do with attraction. I think where it gets sticky for me is feeling like I like him. And then my brain goes so far to not just feeling but SEEMING like I like him. And then to the point where I just say “ya I just like him” and it feels terrible. So it’s no longer a feeling of liking him, it just is reality. Does that make sense? lol. So instead of being able to tell myself the feeling of liking him is false, this happens instead. Why do I do this !! And I guess viewing myself as bad is the same as feeling bad? See it’s like my brain tries to turn it into NOT A FEELING

@Tea and Honey Sorry for the long message lol!

@Mk3 This is what OCD does. It leads us down the chain of "connections" that it says are related, and then it says that you are a bad person because you started yourself along that chain. OCD has its own "reasoning", which sort of makes sense to us because it has its own way of analyzing things and putting things into boxes and categories. However, when you zoom out and look at the big picture, those little tiny connections don't really exist. OCD makes life feel so complicated with all the analyzing and all of the boxes and all of the rules and all the feelings that OCD gives us. But in reality, life is simple. It all boils down to one thing: Is it happening in reality, or just in the OCD realm? For example, are your attractions happening in reality or in the OCD realm? When we have OCD, we are in no position to make that judgment. About 95% of the time, we think it's happening in reality. For example, for me, I'm worried about sinning against God. Almost everything that I think is a sin is not happening in reality, and it's just happening in the OCD realm. These things are not really a sin!! But my brain is really wrapped on the idea that they are real--even though none of it is real. It can really help to have people who don't have OCD help us to distinguish between what is happening in reality and what is just happening within the OCD realm. This can help us to stop living in the bubble of OCD make-believe, and start navigating life through actual realities.

@Mk3 I'm happy to hear all the long messages you have!!!! it takes a long time to sort through OCD. It requires a lot of questions and answers to process through even one thing. I know this from experience. And I'm so happy that I have the privilege to be a part of that! I have found is that OCD questions can rarely be answered through a short conversation. Instead, they are answered through long conversations. They are answered through a series of responses like "OK, that's cool, but what about this other thing." And then "OK that makes sense, but does my situation really apply?" Etc, etc, That's why we can't give up with just a short discussion. We can't quit with just a single question. Our analytical brains are never satisfied with a short answer. We are smart people who think too much, and the OCD has hijacked our brains into making our lives into a series of boxes and traps, and we can barely navigate through it. There are always deeper layers to process through before we get to the heart of OCD and can actually start making progress. And then, even after that, we need constant reminders and reassurances to keep going forward. We need to hear the same truths again and again and again and again. That's just the nature of OCD what must be done to make progress with it. Having said all that, we need to remember that at some point, we have to stop reasoning and figuring things out. And we have to just take the leap. In other words, when we know what to do in OCD treatment plan, we need to "take the leap" and do the actions required without any more analyzing and thinking. If we get caught in constant questioning, then we will be struggling with OCD forever. In Other words, once you develop your OCD tool kit, and you know the proper actions for all of your triggers, you have to practice doing those things without thinking about them, questioning them, analyzing them, etc. You will never be 100% SURE that you are doing the right thing. You will never be 100% SURE that you are safe. That's the nature of this process. You have to learn to take the leap, even though you are not sure and there is still uncertainty. So, in my case, that means moving on with life even though my OCD tells me that I'm going to hell. And in your case, that means moving on with life even though OCD tells you that you might have "real "attraction. We "take a leap "even though we are not sure .

@Tea and Honey Yes that’s very interesting. I think it happens in my reality? But maybe my ocd makes it into a huge deal? I’m not sure. Like you said, I may never know. I just don’t know how to reason with my brain telling me I like this other guy. And it seems true. Blah blah blah

@Mk3 I think when we have OCD, we usually can't tell if it's OCD or reality. We have entangled OCD into so much of our lives that it's hard to tell. Other people can help by giving their perspectives. And I think that, over time, we recognize more and more the ways that OCD infiltrates our lives. :):)

@Tea and Honey Yeah this sucks so much. I am not ok with liking someone else. That’s the hard part. My therapist says this will eventually feel less intense. But the problem is I can’t imagine myself ever being ok with it?! I can’t imagine ever being ok with this or wanting to be with someone else!

@Mk3 This means that you want to be faithful to the one person in your life. Which is great!! So, in this case, when the attractions come, just let them pass by. What really matters is your DECISIONS that you make, and the ACTIONS that you choose. You can't control the thoughts and feelings so much. Therefore, if you make all of your decisions and actions in line with being faithful to the one person in your life, that's all he can ask. And in the meantime, you can let go of the attractions that come and go in your brain. It doesn't even matter if they are real or not. Just keep letting them go. :):):):) it's hard, but you just have to key practicing :):):)

@Tea and Honey @Tea and Honey Thank you that’s great advice. Even for liking someone though? In my mind, liking someone is a step above attraction! And gosh it even seems true I would choose this other person over my partner if he was back. Or want to be with him. That makes me sick!!!!!

@Mk3 You were not meant to live a life that is consumed by guilt and emotional anguish. You can't control whether or not you like other people. It may be real, and it may not be. But it doesn't matter. Remind yourself every day that it doesn't matter. What matters are the real and tangible CHOICES that you make. You are going to choose your partner, and that's it. So then you really have no worries!! OCD will not want to let go of its stranglehold. It will want to continue to make you feel bad about yourself every moment of the day. Therefore, Every day you can practice ACCEPTING that is attraction struggle is going to be there (at least for a while). And just keep practicing moving on with your life every time you feel like you "like" someone, whether it's real or not. You don't have to figure this out. Just keep practicing moving on with life. Keep practicing, keep practicing, keep practicing. Reminder: You are only in charge of your choices here. Anything that happens in your mind, tell yourself that you are not going to worry about it or figure out if it's real or not. :):):)

@Tea and Honey While you practice this, you are going to feel BAD. that is part of OCD recovery. It always feels bad when you don't do with the OCD tells you to do. And right now the OCD is telling you that you must feel guilty and that you must react with abhorrence to the idea of actually liking another guy. But the truth is that you're feelings and brain can be all over the place, and it doesn't matter. You are going to focus on only your choices--and then you are going to let your feelings and your brain range into whatever thoughts or places they want to go. After a long time, they will all settle down and fall in line with your decisions. But even if they don't, it doesn't matter. You just stay in step with your decisions.

@Tea and Honey A lot of OCD recovery is about filling horrible inside while you move along with life., Lol

@Tea and Honey Feeling

@Tea and Honey Yes. Thank you. I think it bothers me so much when I figure out that I would choose someone else. Or so it seems. That makes me sick because it is an action. Although it hasn’t occurred yet. lol. How do I deal with this?

@Mk3 Don't worry about it unless you actually take action. If you actually take action, then you can deal with everything that goes with that. Nathan Peterson says this: He gave an example of sitting down at a restaurant and experiencing a worry that the food is contaminated. But unless you actually have a good reason to think that, you have to just go on and eat your food normally. In other words, we can't problem-solve until something actually happens. If nothing happens, then we just move on with life. The same is true with you! If nothing actually happens, just keep going on with life. Enjoy the things that you have with your partner in the moment :):)

@Tea and Honey Yes. My brain always finds good reason for me to think this and finds evidence. Of course right?! I assume I still should not do anything tho? But you’re right. I’m going to try to just stop essentially creating problems for myself. And I always want to confess to my partner and make sure he wouldn’t dump me over these things but I know confessing is NOT the right thing to do. And OCD is involved in probably most of this I’m hoping…. ocd is a beast

@Tea and Honey Also focusing on just my choices. ACTIVE choices. I will do that. That being said- I will set aside all the madness in my mind and feelings over liking someone else, wanting or choosing someone else, and all the other crap. Bc the choosing someone else thing like u said does not need to be worried about since no action has been taken. And work on not letting my ROCD make me feel overly guilty for dumb, little stuff like I mentioned a few days ago.

@Tea and Honey In more of a simple description: I’m going to set ALL of this crap aside and make a list of simple behaviors that I will focus on in my relationship. And I’ll let everything else happen with my feelings and my mind. Let it do whatever. Even if it’s true it doesn’t matter. This is what I’ll do.

@Mk3 Yes!!!!!!! This is perfect!!!! This is awesome!!!!!!! You nailed it on the head here. You got this!!! You are in the right path here. Tell yourself every day that you are a rock star and that you are doing great! And when you slip back into old habits (which is sure to happen sometimes), then don't worry about it. Just get back up and try again :):):)