Confused and tired

I honestly can’t tell when thoughts are being affected by OCD. Sometimes I think I have what I think are normal “grey” thoughts, but then OCD adds so much weight to them and I spiral. I had this thought that I wished my boyfriend was more confident or independent. I felt so guilty for thinking it. I told him, and of course it hurt him. He told me it’s a normal thought to have, I just dwell on it too much. And that it’s the kind of thought most people keep to themselves. That’s the thing. I don’t know what’s okay to keep to myself and what isn’t. I think sometimes I say things out loud not just to relieve anxiety, but because I genuinely don’t know what’s okay to think or say. I do not know the line between a normal grey thought and something that’s “bad” to think. I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I should process privately or something I need to be ashamed of. I get this confusion with intrusive thoughts too, but those are easier to spot and evaluate. This is harder, because again, it is *my* thought. That makes it harder to sit with. Maybe the intrusive part is the voice that questions what kind of person I am for even thinking it. I don’t have the same telltale signs anymore. My physical anxiety isn’t there anymore, it’s all in my head and that makes it so much more confusing. But I don’t know. The line between honesty vs compulsion is so blurry. I just feel lost

i’ve unfortunately fallen into the cycle of trying to figure out my thoughts and find answers as to why i feel so distressed. this still pertains to the situation regarding changing my room for those reading who have seen my multiple posts over the last few days. i’ve been so distressed and in so much panic about it. i’m also panicking over my other room looking so different from when i left it. it’s been making me feel crazy because to me there’s no reason for my anxiety to latch so hard onto something that seems so minuscule. i was thinking i was having anxiety over change, but it’s like symptoms of ocd too that’s making it really hard for me to let go. SO i started thinking maybe it was perfectionism ocd? i’ve realized over time that i do compulsions to where things have to feel “just right”, but i also do that with any environment i’m in. like it HAS to feel cozy to me and provide me comfort in order for me to feel at ease. and this change is causing me to panic because there’s something wrong that i can’t find an answer to. maybe the different colored carpet? but it’s also more than that it feels like. however, now it’s spreading into other areas of my house where i’ve always been fine in and possibly to just any area i’m in at all. hence why it’s making me feel crazy because there’s no reason for me to be THIS distressed over that as i’ve never really had this problem before. and when i did it would last maybe an hour to a couple of days at most, but this has been going for over 2 weeks with my really bad anxiety being this week. i’m doing a little better, but it’s still hard when i can feel that panic waiting for me to acknowledge and just engulf me in the ocd cycle. i’m also analyzing basically any feeling i have so i just feel off in general and like i’m going insane. i’ve been so hyper focused on how i feel and that will send me spiraling too. multiple themes then start coming in like existential ocd and fear of solipsism. not to mention my harm and contamination ocd that just adds on when i’m this vulnerable. then i worry if no one is real, then no one feels the way i do. or just in general that what if no one feels the way i do. honestly, i think being out of college and in my house with nothing to do is causing me too much time with my thoughts. which is why i’m so distressed about everything that pops into my brain.

I was diagnosed with OCD around the age of 6, subtype- contamination primarily. It calmed down as I got older and I assumed it had gone away, but also didn’t realize it can show up in other ways, and it still had been effecting me which I know now. I’m not 31 and I’ve been in therapy for a year and it’s helped a lot, although I sometimes get thoughts that what if some of the stuff I’m dealing with isn’t ocd and I’m exaggerating. I feel like thoughts will feel sticky and I’ll do certain compulsions but then the thought eventually vanishes if I do it a few times which makes me think maybe it’s not OCD since other people/friends I know would probably do the exact same thing. Not sure if I’m making sense, but I guess my question is if that thought comes up with anyone else? Just being unsure if something you’re doing actually is ocd or not.