- Username
- MJocd
- Date posted
- 5y ago
remember that you cant change the things of the past. I know its difficult but remember that your ocd does not define you and that you are not a bad person. You are stronger than your ocd!!!
I wish I could go back to 13-15 and have never found porn. I watched it for a few years regularly 17-19 and I feel so ashamed, more so because I rarely hear about females watching porn. I feel like I am a horrible person for it. I dont agree with porn, I dont like porn at all and I think all those categorys on those websites are horrible but when I was younger I did what I'm sure many young teenagers do out of curiosity which is just click away. I'm disgusted now. My OCD latches onto this heavily and I feel so much disgust. Im almost 22 now, I will never watch it again but randomly I will get hit with a weird memory like this and feel SO much shame. I can only blame myself because if I had never watched porn in the first place, my ocd wouldn't have these things to latch on to. It would latch onto something else :(
Hey , I think it would be good to look at it this way ... if you didn’t watch porn at that age , you probably would have seen it or started watching it eventually ! Either if a friend showed it to you , a weird link popped up , or you were just curious. And I know it may not seem like it now , but it doesn’t define you at all. Curiosity is strong and sometimes we like to look at those things because we’d rather have certainty over what’s going on in them and what they’re all about then uncertainty. Sometimes it can be used to show you what you don’t like , and can be helpful so you know what you don’t want to do in relationships later on in life and just so you know what sex is NOT. This may not mean much but it really does not define you. You watched it and that’s totally okay. Even if it did define you before , the past has no connection to the present unless you let it. People grow into totally different people all the time :)
Thankyou, I guess you're right. In this day and age we all do stumble across porn websites one time or another, and there is so much on those porn websites we come across all sorts of things and that seems to be the nature of those websites. I keep trying to tell myself that I was young, I wouldn't go onto adult sites now at all and when I was young I was just being curious like most people are. It meant I came across some weird things on those pornsites that I didnt like but that isnt my fault, I didnt put them there, I did what any normal person on a pornsite does and clicked around. Things are always suggested on those sites, it's a weird place. I wish the OCD would stop blaming me for watching porn. I feel so much shame and disgust. I do not like porn at all now, or how available it is. I have blocks on my phone to makesure I dont come across any adult sites or anything by accident. I still wish I'd never come across it at all so OCD had nothing to torture me with.
Look, I had been watching porn since about 6 to 15, on and off, but at one moment, it became addictive. I watched straight, lesbian, gay, threesomes, orgies(which for some weird reason I liked) , female masturbation, hentai etc. When I was about 13, I wanted to learn how to masturbate properly, so I watched masturbation videos, which turned me on. Ever since, I had been watching only those, untill I got sexual intrusive thoughts regarding my sexuality. And now, I use this past of mine to prove that I have an attraction towards women. What do you think about that?
I wont give you reassurance, but I also found porn extremely young on the internet (unfortunately) too, and the first category I found was lesbian porn when I was 13 on YouTube out of all places. Even with this, it doesn't change the fact that I know I am straight and attracted to men. I know you're struggling but it will be okay x
@MJocd So it's normal to be turned on by those kinds of porn even as a straight woman?
@hateocd123 Yes definitely, but I'm afraid I'm reassuring you and I shouldn't do that x
Many people have watched some sort of porn, whether it's looking through a porn magazine or through the internet and also DVDs from long ago..... don't be so hard on yourself......your not watching it now....some people always watch porn throughout their lives, whilst others watch it once and never again
Thankyou, I appreciate it. I feel so much shame when a random weird memory hits me like this. I don't like porn at all, especially now with the internet there is so much crap on these websites for young people to randomly come across. It really affects me and I feel that I'm now paying a price (OCD torturing me and telling me I'm a bad person) for watching porn in the past because if I hadn't then OCD would not have this subject matter to latch onto. Its It's such a shameful topic that I can even share it with others so I'm stuck ruminating alone most of the time.
@MJocd I cant*
It's okay. You have got yourself into something that you don't want. It's okay, kindly let it go now. We learn from our mistakes and rebuild ourselves. You're already accepting that you don't want that. Everything must not happen the way they seem as for now :-).
I dont watch porn at all and havent for a long time, I think over a year and I never will again. I wish I never had, I am trying to accept I was young and curious about sex when I found porn websites and a lot of people go through that phase in life. Porn websites are weird places. I just feel so much shame at any memories I have of being on them once upon a time. I would love to know how to let the memory go because my OCD has latched onto them and keeps making me feel shame for ever viewing porn when in reality a lot of the world does and they're not bad people, they're just normal people, even good people.
Maybe you are just turned on by your own body?
I feel a lot of shame for ever having watched porn in the past, I have moral scrupulosity OCD, and my thoughts are always like "what if you're a bad person because you watched porn in the past because good moral people dont watch porn?" I havent watched porn in a year and I avoid it like the plague. I know its normal for most people to have experienced porn at some point in their lives. Idk how to get over these thoughts, it feels like noone understands me or my type of intrusive thoughts :(
I feel terrible. The porn I watched from ages 12-16 was disgusting, I feel like some sick sexual deviant. I don’t have the courage to tell my therapist what exactly I watched out of fear that they’ll confirm that it’s not ocd and my fears are true. I did tell them talk a little bit about my obsession with porn and we did erp for it but my fear is still so strong. I’ve seen people obsess about the same thing but I always feel like what I did was way worse.. :( I just don’t want to feel this way anymore when I’m doing good my fears seem so irrational and stupid but when it gets bad it feels very real and that my life is over.
So years ago when I was a teenager there was a point in time where I watched pornography that had to do with animals and people. There were also a few times throughout my teenage years where I tried things out of curiosity and while I was watching this type of porn I had some desire/urge to try stuff but I never did. Then it stopped. I was probably 16 and stopped. It’s been almost 4 years since I watched that stuff or did anything, and I never even thought about it. Then OCD hit. And I ruminated about all those things I watched did. It always filled me with anxiety and disgust. Then yesterday I remembered an image I saw when watching that and got an erection. It was accompanied with anxiety but it felt as if I wanted to search it up or do it. Now all day today I’ve had horrible anxiety accompanied with that urge. Is this OCD or should I look into therapy for paraphilia?
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