MJocd

Date posted: 5y

Please reply. I am embarrassed to share this. I dont watch porn AT ALL anymore and never will again but I keep getting intrusive images of porn scenes I saw on pornsites from a long time ago. Especially weird things, like I remember I once stumbled across porn that had a old man in it. Porn has lots of weird categories. I keep feeling bad and guilty for ever watching porn in the first place but I'm trying to remember a lot of people have watched porn/do watch it without feeling the shame I feel now, over a year after stopping watching it. My OCD is fixating on this to the point where it's making me want to throw up. I have real event/moral ocd and my ocd really tries to make me feel bad about these memories from a long time ago.

macmiller

Date posted: 5y

remember that you cant change the things of the past. I know its difficult but remember that your ocd does not define you and that you are not a bad person. You are stronger than your ocd!!!

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

I wish I could go back to 13-15 and have never found porn. I watched it for a few years regularly 17-19 and I feel so ashamed, more so because I rarely hear about females watching porn. I feel like I am a horrible person for it. I dont agree with porn, I dont like porn at all and I think all those categorys on those websites are horrible but when I was younger I did what I'm sure many young teenagers do out of curiosity which is just click away. I'm disgusted now. My OCD latches onto this heavily and I feel so much disgust. Im almost 22 now, I will never watch it again but randomly I will get hit with a weird memory like this and feel SO much shame. I can only blame myself because if I had never watched porn in the first place, my ocd wouldn't have these things to latch on to. It would latch onto something else :(

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y

Hey , I think it would be good to look at it this way ... if you didn’t watch porn at that age , you probably would have seen it or started watching it eventually ! Either if a friend showed it to you , a weird link popped up , or you were just curious. And I know it may not seem like it now , but it doesn’t define you at all. Curiosity is strong and sometimes we like to look at those things because we’d rather have certainty over what’s going on in them and what they’re all about then uncertainty. Sometimes it can be used to show you what you don’t like , and can be helpful so you know what you don’t want to do in relationships later on in life and just so you know what sex is NOT. This may not mean much but it really does not define you. You watched it and that’s totally okay. Even if it did define you before , the past has no connection to the present unless you let it. People grow into totally different people all the time :)

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

Thankyou, I guess you're right. In this day and age we all do stumble across porn websites one time or another, and there is so much on those porn websites we come across all sorts of things and that seems to be the nature of those websites. I keep trying to tell myself that I was young, I wouldn't go onto adult sites now at all and when I was young I was just being curious like most people are. It meant I came across some weird things on those pornsites that I didnt like but that isnt my fault, I didnt put them there, I did what any normal person on a pornsite does and clicked around. Things are always suggested on those sites, it's a weird place. I wish the OCD would stop blaming me for watching porn. I feel so much shame and disgust. I do not like porn at all now, or how available it is. I have blocks on my phone to makesure I dont come across any adult sites or anything by accident. I still wish I'd never come across it at all so OCD had nothing to torture me with.

cnv

Date posted: 5y

Look, I had been watching porn since about 6 to 15, on and off, but at one moment, it became addictive. I watched straight, lesbian, gay, threesomes, orgies(which for some weird reason I liked) , female masturbation, hentai etc. When I was about 13, I wanted to learn how to masturbate properly, so I watched masturbation videos, which turned me on. Ever since, I had been watching only those, untill I got sexual intrusive thoughts regarding my sexuality. And now, I use this past of mine to prove that I have an attraction towards women. What do you think about that?

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

I wont give you reassurance, but I also found porn extremely young on the internet (unfortunately) too, and the first category I found was lesbian porn when I was 13 on YouTube out of all places. Even with this, it doesn't change the fact that I know I am straight and attracted to men. I know you're struggling but it will be okay x

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

@MJocd So it's normal to be turned on by those kinds of porn even as a straight woman?

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

@hateocd123 Yes definitely, but I'm afraid I'm reassuring you and I shouldn't do that x

goyate

Date posted: 5y

Many people have watched some sort of porn, whether it's looking through a porn magazine or through the internet and also DVDs from long ago..... don't be so hard on yourself......your not watching it now....some people always watch porn throughout their lives, whilst others watch it once and never again

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

Thankyou, I appreciate it. I feel so much shame when a random weird memory hits me like this. I don't like porn at all, especially now with the internet there is so much crap on these websites for young people to randomly come across. It really affects me and I feel that I'm now paying a price (OCD torturing me and telling me I'm a bad person) for watching porn in the past because if I hadn't then OCD would not have this subject matter to latch onto. Its It's such a shameful topic that I can even share it with others so I'm stuck ruminating alone most of the time.

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

@MJocd I cant*

BelieveInYou...

Date posted: 5y

It's okay. You have got yourself into something that you don't want. It's okay, kindly let it go now. We learn from our mistakes and rebuild ourselves. You're already accepting that you don't want that. Everything must not happen the way they seem as for now :-).

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

I dont watch porn at all and havent for a long time, I think over a year and I never will again. I wish I never had, I am trying to accept I was young and curious about sex when I found porn websites and a lot of people go through that phase in life. Porn websites are weird places. I just feel so much shame at any memories I have of being on them once upon a time. I would love to know how to let the memory go because my OCD has latched onto them and keeps making me feel shame for ever viewing porn when in reality a lot of the world does and they're not bad people, they're just normal people, even good people.

Kuch

Date posted: 5y

Maybe you are just turned on by your own body?

Holly117

Date posted: 25w

Past porn use “what if’s”

I’m really struggling right now. My mind is racing and I’m panicking about the content that I watched in the past because I don’t have a way to ‘prove’ that it was safe and consensual. I stupidly caved in and googled “what happens if an accidentally saw illegal porn” and I ended up making my anxiety so much worse. What if the images I saw in the past had underage people in them? Am I going to jail? Will my ip address be tracked? My brain is making all sorts of scenarios up and they feel so real. At this point I don’t know if I’m a bad person or not, I just feel like something terrible is about to happen. Although I know I’d never intentionally look for that kind of stuff there’s still a chance that I could have seen things without realising, and I actually don’t know what to do. I’m in total panic mode

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 25w

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

POCD

Wessers19

Date posted: 23w

Could being exposed to content as a kid affected me in this way?

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.

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