cat

thanks... the fact is that by trying to prevent harm sometimes we end up doing the very thing we want to avoid, by checking that we didn't do it. that's why ocd is so cruel. i had another similar episode with my cat where i tried to check if i hurt him when i accidentally tapped his face and i kept trying to recreate the scenario to see if it hurt him by tapping his face. he wasn't hurt but i could see he was confused. i felt horrible. i hope he can forgive me and i hope that he wasn't hurt, and if i did i didnt have that intention, i was panicking and worried and i got stuck in a loop of checking if i hurt him by doing the same thing again again, light tapping, trying to emulate the original tap, i couldn't stop. But I can't change the past. I have a good relationship with my cats and recently i developed a big fear of hurting them or abusing them; they always come to snuggle with me but I feel like an abuser.

@ivefailed. I TOTALLY understand what you are saying. It's OK!!!!! You will have to learn to give yourself grace. You can't help it if OCD feels overwhelming in the moment. All the checking and loops and sort of "trances" get us all caught up in the moment, and we get overwhelmed, and we just end up doing these little things we didn't want to do. And that's OK!! That's part of the disorder. So it's important to give yourself grace. This is going to sound funny, but imagine that you switched positions with your cat. And your cat tapped you a lot. And your cat loves you, and they were trying not to hurt you, but they were being assaulted by a disorder that got all tangled up in their emotions and actions. But at the deepest place in their heart, they didn't want to hurt you and wanted to have a good relationship with you. Would you be mad at all? No!! In fact, you would give them all the grace in the world! You would put your arms around them and comfort them and feel sorry for the afflictions that they have. You would tell them that it's OK. So you have to try to extend the same love to YOURSELF that you would give to others who were going through the same hardships:):):) I am sure your cat loves you and forgives you and that nothing has changed between you. When we have OCD, it's hard for us to see that everything is OK. So it can be good for us to trust people from the outside. If they tell you that everything is okay, then you can probably trust them. I have gone into a huge tailspins when I felt maybe I said words that were wrong. And I felt like I was going to be doomed, and I felt like my life was over. And my mother-in-law told me that it was no big deal that I said those words. Over time I was able to see that she was right. It's totally okay that you were taping your cat. He's OK, and everything is OK. !!! Remember, you only job is to go forward without trying to figure it or or fix it. Every time this happens, practice going forward!! :):):):)

@Tea and Honey thank you so much!!! 🥲

@ivefailed. Big hugs!!! 💙💙💙👍👍👍🤗🤗🤗 You've got this!!!!! :):):)

@Tea and Honey it came back to my mind again, and it was worse than what i wrote. the taps were with the back of the hand because i originally without thinking accidentally "hit" his nose with my hand while trying to prevent him from smelling my other female cat bum. And I got afraid that i hurt him so i kept replicating that action trying to emulate more similarly the original "impact", so it was increasingly stiffer but without increasing power (like it wasn't hard), it was in a very short distance increasing acceleration, i didn't mean to hurt him while i replicated, but i felt the urge to make it more similar possible to the original tap so i could get the reassurance that i didn't hurt him, if i saw him not reacting. He looked confused and had a grimaced look. I'm afraid i ended up hurting him. I was in a trance of trying to prove myself that i didn't hurt him. I don't think he was hurt because other than the confused face he was immediately lovey dovey with me. I just have to carry this guilt and understand the consequences of giving in OCD compulsions, and just accept the initial distress because i end up making things worse.