scared of not being in-control again.

As at the end of the day yes we are in control, but i mean with my brain. it continues to send those unwanted thoughts and every time they play through i feel nothing but complete dread as it upsets me so much i just bawl . for a week iv felt nothing but vulnerable, and i try to be reasonable and say to myself this is only a loop and you will figure it out at the end and you’ll find the light. but there’s always the other half thats like . “but what if not” “no you’re gonna get worse” . dude like what i genuinely cannot find comfort in anything and with even distractions it’s still there . i cannot feel comfortable with myself and i hate that it’s putting me in this little depressive episode. “ just accept it, and don’t fight it” “tell it i don’t know” . that never works either it’s just there it’s like a brick wall and you’re trying to push it . and if you were trying to push a brick wall what do you think is gonna happen. nothing , it’s not even gonna budge. it makes me feel hopeless, i miss who i was the week before this one.

Lady Day

Date posted: 8h

I was a mess last week. Today I’m ok. Maybe it will get better. Maybe it won’t. Do your toes still wiggle? See, maybe I just made you smile or frown in confusion. Maybe there’s a little space for Hope.

Weeping.angel

Date posted: 7h

@Lady Day Glad to hear that you are now okay, i thrive to say the same. and i will say i definitely did wiggle my toes when reading this .

nelliemarie1995

Date posted: 8h

My sister says “you can do anything for an hour” to herself when she is really low and in a depressive state. I try it now too. “I can do another hour!” And just keep going. It will be worth it- it is worth it. Keep walking and see how the story turns out. Don’t miss out on the future chapters

Weeping.angel

Date posted: 7h

@nelliemarie1995 oh this is clever honestly, i should keep this in mind, i appreciate you .

trixiarmani

Date posted: 7h

Feeling like this a lot the past couple of days- know you’re not alone in feeling this sense of dread it’s so overwhelming. For me it’s hard because I’ve already had so much therapy and I know the “right thing” to do like coping mechanisms, but sometimes they don’t work! Instead of just giving up I try to push myself to try something different! It can be something uncomfortable that I don’t want to do or something comforting that brings me Peace! Good luck- I’m rooting for ya! :)

OllieMortis137

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 7h

I am in the same boat. I wish I could tell you what works for me but nothing is right now. I couldn't even make it past 3 hours into my shift today. But we'll get through it. Nothing lasts forever homie

Weeping.angel

Date posted: 7h

@OllieMortis137 ugh frustrating huh, especially when working and you would think it would help with distraction and such. hate the feeling of not being able to escape that, and i am so sorry and you’re definitely right . we will make it through this, no matter what the other half wants to say but we should continue to tell ourselves that we are strong. and i appreciate you for sharing and i wish you nothing but the best and you got this.

OllieMortis137

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 7h

@Weeping.angel Back at you homie, OCD will never keep us down 😤

Weeping.angel

Date posted: 7h

Oof, and i’m sorry to hear and I bet in the beginning that has to be very frustrating as you might feel that there’s nothing that can possibly ease, hate to hear that others deal with such horrible experiences meanwhile during these times all you feel is alone so of course to see others share theres it makes you feel less crazy. but i appreciate you for sharing so much and i’m also rooting for you too!:).

laladracu

Date posted: 20w

a thought?

I cant get over this thought that is messing my recovery up so much. it was “if you dont act on your thoughts this will never go away” which led to thoughts like if i even wanted to get better, if i even want my life back, if i even WANTED this to go away, etc. im scared. im confused. is this normal? am i gonna have to act on this stuff now? im mainly concerned about my family. i dont wanna hurt them. this disease is horrible. this subtype is horrible. i love my family. why would i want to hurt them? im so afraid this is it for me. i try to do what everyone tells me. ignore the thought, let it sit, sit with the uncertainty/discomfort but the anxiety doesn’t go away. this thought keeps coming back with a vengeance. i thought i was making great progress but im back where i was. i ruminate about this 24/7 and i dont know how to stop. we tried sitting on the couch together last night and it felt like i was RESISTING hurting them. im in constant awareness that i can act on these anytime and it hinders my daily life and work so much. everytime i talk to anyone in my family i feel things like i shouldnt be talking to them if im gonna hurt them and i dont deserve to be around them. i feel like i dont deserve to be alive, i dont deserve to be happy, and i dont deserve to be comfortable. i feel like a psycho whos never gonna get to live life with a husband and family. i feel like i don’t deserve my sweet boyfriend. i dont want my thoughts to latch onto him. this is my mind when i wake up, when i try to go about my day, and when i go to sleep. it feels like it just wont dissipate regardless of what i do. the cycle never ends. its been 4 MONTHS. what the fuck do i do anymore

Harm OCD

neverdealing...

Date posted: 17w

Confused and it makes me feel stupid

I’m definitely having an episode right now. A few times I’ve thought about coming onto this app and writing something but then I spiral further and further and I forget about anything except what’s triggering me. Then I think about this app again and intend to write a post… but again I’m spiraling too hard to focus on anything else. But I finally ended up here because I got an email from NOCD. I opened it and read about someone who ‘overcame their OCD.’ It made me spiral harder, because I genuinely don’t understand how someone can control this. How do I stop? How do I silence my brain? I was told to sit with my thoughts and not try to divert them, but if I do that I have an extreme episode so bad that I feel disconnected from myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and it felt like my eyes were seeing someone standing in front of me and not my reflection. It scares me to think that I will be experiencing these episodes forever. I literally just put my phone down twice because I thought my cat was choking to death because he had a hairball (he’s fine) I just feel like I can’t see a way out of this. It’s not curable, and I don’t understand how someone can ‘conquer’ something that feels so out of control Obviously it’s possible, but unfortunately that reassurance doesn’t always break through the most awful thoughts Sometimes there’s nothing that can make me calm down, I just have to ride it out I hope there’s never a day where it’s so out of control that I can’t keep it in at work, and I ruin my own life by having a severe panic attack while I’m there and being fired. If I had the type of episodes at work that I have consistently at home, I would be so humiliated. It scares me. I’m trying so hard to be normal like everyone else. I just want to be happy. I just want to live.

anonymousssmm

Date posted: 15w

Feeling sad

Last week was a lot easier for me. I felt like thoughts didn’t control me and my actions as much as they did earlier. Today was really hard for me and I feel like I’m starting to lose hope again:( I can’t take the thoughts and the feelings that come with them anymore. I feel like I have failed and I’m never going to be happy again.

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