Addiction Recovery in OCD

I have known something was wrong with my “brain” for a long time. I am a recovering alcoholic who will be celebrating 5 years of Recovery in January. For me, drinking was my solution, not my problem however, I was OBSESSED with alcohol and could never say no to my CRAVINGS no matter how much self will I had. I eventually got sober through the program of AA, found a higher power and for many years my life was great. I never thought about alcohol and stayed active in AA. Over the past two years is when my Pure OCD started. First it was my relationship. Then I changed jobs and was in school for 9 months. I was constantly over studying, repetitive flash cards ever day, all because of fear of failure. It was the most stressed I have ever been in my whole life. The day before my final exam, I was driving and the word “alcohol” popped into my head. Not a craving or a want, just “alcohol.” I immediately started spiraling. “Why am I thinking about this” “why won’t this go away” “is my addiction/craving back.” It was torture. I became so scared of relapse I went to an AA meeting everyday, called my sponsor everyday, started re working the steps. I started doing everything I did the first time that got me relief but yet the thought remained for three weeks. This is the night “my brain broke.” While engaging in sex with my partner, an image of someone close to me popped in my head. Not in a sexual manor but because I was in the act my brain associated with it. I spiraled for two weeks. I was convinced I was a pedophile. Constantly seeking re assurance, re playing past memories. Every day my brain found a new fear. During that time I remember almost NEVER thinking about alcohol. At some times I welcomed that thought to come back. I have started therapy and my POCD has slowed down a lot and the thought/fear of alcohol is back and constantly in my mind. This poses a challenge for my brain. Is this an OCD fear or is it craving? My brain can rationalize now (on good days) that I’m not a pedophile but with alcohol it’s something I was addicted too and always will be. So my question is, is there anyone out there struggling with OCD and is also in recovery?

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 21d

Okay, here's the cut-and-paste that I promised... Don’t ever fight the thoughts. This is very important for OCD recovery. ERP therapy trains us to never fight the thoughts. If you try to fight them off, they’re just going to get worse. My therapist explained it like this: Imagine a tree planted by river. The leaves from the tree fall off and float down the river. You watch the leaves fall, but you don’t try to stop them. You just let them float down the river. This is the same with ALL intrusive thoughts. It doesn’t matter if these are bad thoughts about God, violence, sex, attractions, etc. All intrusive thoughts are the SAME. You just let them fall off the tree and float down the river. Here’s another analogy: Imagine a swarm of angry bees around someone’s head. The bees can’t really bite or sting, but they are very annoying as they swarm around the person’s head. They’re not really harmful to the person, but they are disturbing just because they are there. This is the same thing as the intrusive thoughts. They can’t really harm anything, and they don’t have any real power. But they are distracting and disturbing because they are there. If you take a stick and try to fight them off, they’re just going to swarm around even worse and get even stronger. It doesn’t work to try to fight them off with a stick. They will always keep swarming. In the same way, we can’t fight off the intrusive thoughts. It’s impossible. Besides, the thoughts are meaningless, and they can’t hurt us anyway. So don’t try to fight them off. Here’s one more analogy: Imagine your little brother is always saying mean things to you. Sometimes he shout means things; sometimes he whispers mean things; sometimes he shows you ugly pictures that he has drawn. He’s always trying to tease you and always trying to get you upset, and he’s always saying horrible things to you. If you shout at him to stop doing it, he’s just going to do it more. You have to accept that you can’t stop what he says. But if you ignore him and don’t give him any response and don’t get upset , he will eventually get bored and stop trying so hard. It’s the same with the intrusive thoughts. You can’t stop them. But if you get upset every time they come into your head, you are giving them power. You OCD (like a little brother) is going to feed you more of the things that “rile you up.” But if you don’t get upset and don’t care if these things are coming into your brain, then you can go about your life as normal. In this way, you are showing that these thoughts really have no power over you. Your OCD will try to trick you into giving “meaning” to the thoughts by saying maybe you will like them or maybe you will accept them, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah. Don’t listen to the OCD. Practice strict ERP no matter how you feel and no matter how the OCD tries to tell you the danger you’re in if you start ignoring the thoughts. The truth is the thoughts don’t mean anything, so you can ignore them. You can’t make them go away (like the bees), but you can give them no power by acknowledging that they are meaningless.

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 21d

I haven't been in recovery for alcohol before, but I understand the OCD elements. I think that, over time, and continuing to work with your therapist, that things will get a lot better. ERP therapy takes A LOT OF WORK. And it takes a long time. We expect things to be over in a few months, but the journey is much longer. However, over time, I think it'll become more clear how the OCD affects you and how it interacts with Recovery for alcoholism. In the meantime, one of the most important things for you remember is this: The intrusive thoughts DON'T MEAN ANYTHING. It doesn't matter if the intrusive thoughts are about alcohol or about pedophilic themes or about harm or about sex or about germs. Intrusive thoughts are all the same. And they are all MEANINGLESS. They don't say anything about you as a person. They are like wisps of smoke. 💨 and they don't mean anything. I'll copy and paste something that I have posted here a lot. You might know it all already, but it might help you. I think the biggest hurdle that we all face in OCD recovery is the ability to accept the fact that the thoughts are meaningless. Until we do that, OCD will always keep a stranglehold over us.

ocdnomore1

Date posted: 15w

How abou you?

I suffer since 10 - 15 yrs from specific fears. It was years that my OCD constantly wanted to be checked if I have HIV or not. I had a lot of sex and I thought this is normal. But I ruminated in my backhead about and was testing like 5 - 10 times a year. After the test I felt everytime so relieved. In Corona I was addicted to porn and even I lost control and was watching pretty hard stuff. I was chatting with a girl and we fantasized about really disturbing things. I never wanna meet her and for me was sure it's just kinda onlinestuff. I was in a relationship 3 years now. And I lost fear of HIV. But then came Morality OCD, Real Event (this chat) and after some times POCD. This combination was knocking me out, I felt like the badest person on earth. I did everything wrong and searched for relief and reassurance. It put me to the point of suicidal. I never ever hurting somebody, but my brain was making me a monster. I had to quit the relationship because I just couldn't give her what she deserved. I was in a clinic for 3 months. And we tested medication with ERP (before I took escitalopram for years). Anafranil was working first, then too many side-effects. I tried even without meds, but was so depressed. Now on sertralin for 5 weeks, but only 2 weeks on therapeutic dose 200mg. And wow, now I really feel so confused in the brain. I feel like how big my OCD became. The specific thoughts are not anymore, BUT it sticks on EVERYTHING atm. It's delusional how it feels in the brain. I really hope so deep my brain makes finally a reset and I need to wait it out. I could live with OCD for a long time but the last 1-2 yrs it took absolutely everything. I remark that POCD doesn't stick anymore like before but my brain is now constructing a very bad future because of past mistakes (that I all discussed with family, friends for relief over and over and over again). So it's like my OCD is now Real Event (The sexchat) again. Anyone was on the same point in life?

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

I promise the recovery is worth the work…

3 years ago I got a job that was fully remote. Pay was great, but it took a few months for my life to change. Without getting into too many details I thought I was a full blown schizophrenic that cried in the fetal position every night. As a 27 year old young man who thought I was tough as nails, this crippled me. Learned more about OCD and did some therapy sessions on here. Sessions were great and I highly recommend. However, the exposure and response treatment they recommend is really all you need. It all boils down to facing your fears. No amount of supplements (I spent thousands on them) will get the job done. I said fuck this and just started doing everything I dreaded. Even sat in my own head and let the intrusive thoughts play out on purpose. Harm ocd and psychosis ocd was my main issue. Still is, but whenever I get any intrusive thoughts, I purposely think of something worse and say “top that” (it sucks I know, but it has helped me). I got a new job to where I’m fully back onsite and around people daily. I make it a non negotiable to move everyday even if it’s skipping lunch to take a walk. ALSO… and this is huge. I stopped drinking and smoking and put a huge focus on exercise and nutrition. (Still casual drinks with friends every other weekend, but only light beer. No shots no hard liquor. The socializing is good for me) Dr. Paul saldino and Dr. Chris Palmer are my go to for getting on track. Focus on protein and healthy fats and limit the carbs / processed oils. It’s simple everyone. Face your fears, move around as much as possible, and fuel up and real food. (Cars need gas, not soda). OCD is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s way worse than anyone unaware can imagine. BUT….. recovering is the best feeling possible.

mdipierro

Date posted: 12w

Alcohol OCD theme

I’m curious if anyone else has ever had this. This is my specific theme in regards to my OCD that has been prevalent in my life since 2022. Quick back story: went to a party college for 4.5 years and had a blast, got as drunk as I wanted on weekends and never once felt bad about it. Then, hangovers got worse and I started partying too much. After graduation, I told myself that it’d be a really cool goal to get to the point where I could go out and just have 4 beers. Enough to enjoy myself, not enough to make me hungover. Well, this simple healthy goal turned into a massive obsession. Now, if I go over my limit of 4-5 beers/drinks, two things happen: 1. I give up and binge drink bc I might as well if I’m already over my limit. 2. The next day even if I’m super hungover, unless I can’t bc of work scheduling, I will perform a check where I drink 4 beers and see if I can still get drunk off of those. If I can get drunk, then I feel normal. If I am not as drunk, then this cycle continues. I worry about becoming an alcoholic all the time bc at this point in my life I am very active in my social scene, and alcohol is very much present. While I certainly do not have any family history of alcoholism nor the personality or drive to become one, I still fear that I might one day despite knowing I won’t. I also worry about raising my drinking tolerance by continuing to feed this obsession/compulsion loop. It’s slightly affected my personality and confidence. I’m aware it’s irrational and the solution is to simply cut back as anyone would and go out less frequently, or drink less frequently when I’m out. And yet, my other obsession with alcohol is experiencing the painful withdrawals that alcoholics experience when they stop drinking!! Despite never having experienced those withdrawals when I’ve not drank on a given night. So, it’s a weird one. Thinking the ERP is just going to be not performing those checks. If I’ve reached my limit and am not as drunk, okay. Alcohol absorption is affected by a lot. No need to check my tolerance nor go overboard since I’m not as drunk. We’ll see. I’m on Zoloft too which has helped a ton with other symptoms but this theme is making it less effective and I need to get control of it now.

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