im am so sorry this is a really long and ugly post i dont know if i should try seeing a psychiatrist. i've been in therapy for three years and had a bad relapse, with faking OCD as a theme. but i feel fake saying this too because deep down i know im a liar im always lying and exaggerating things for attention. none of what i say feels real. i keep thinking that im completely normal and lying for attention because i want to be special. i still live with my parents and am dependent on them financially. i have an occasional job that pays just enough to pay for my therapy and we're struggling in general, so going to a psychiatrist would be a significant expense. i cant decide if it's worth it because im extremely paranoid about medication messing up with my head and making me gain weight (im at risk for ED and weight gain terrifies me beyond limits. if i gained even one kg i know for a fact i'd start checking my weight even more frequently and starving myself and panicking). most of all i want an evaluation and a proper diagnosis because the diagnosis my psychologist gave me (GAD and pure-O) doesn't feel "official" enough. it was done through a few months of talk therapy, i didnt have to do any tests. in my country, private psychologists don't give out any documents that "certify" the diagnosis, unlike in public facilities or with a psychiatrist, so it all feels really fake. i feel fake because i've never been to a psychiatrist before (my parents are extremely distrustful and neglectful of mental health) and have never been hospitalized. i want papers that say i have OCD so maybe i'll feel less fake. i hate saying this because it feels like im dismissing my psychologist's work, i made so much progress with her in three years, but im scared that she might be lying to me only because if i was told i dont have any diagnosable problems, only traits of a disorder, i'd be so devastated and i'd stop going to therapy. i feel like everyone knows im faking but lies to me just to pity me, like playing pretend with a child. i feel fake because i dont have violent intrusive thoughts anymore, only this self-referential theme about OCD itself it's so stupid, that proves that i am faking it, i'd still have other intrusive thoughts or obsessions if this was real and i hate saying this but i miss when i had harm ones, at least i didnt doubt my mental illness back then. i could save money and go see a psychiatrist in a few months but im terrified that by then every single symptom will be gone. which sounds irrational but to me that will mean that i was faking all this time, if i dont need to see a psychiatrist it will be the peak of fakeness. i feel like i have to "catch" myself at the worst time possible to go see a psychiatrist, i have to rush to do it now, immediately, not in a month from now or next week, because the moment im not having an episode, everything that happened before seems fake and nonexistent so i must be really fine and have no reason to see a psychiatrist. im feeling so fake because yesterday and for the past months i've had episodes with harm compulsions almost every day, and even when i don't do it i still get the thoughts and mental compulsions, but because today i didnt do it, it feels like nothing that happened before ever actually existed and from now on everything will be alright because i didn't have a real illness so what's the point of seeing a psychiatrist? if i have good days im not really ill. feeling good is a trigger for rumination, if i dont have obsessive thoughts i get anxious and start ruminating on whether or not im faking which almost inevitably becomes another full blown episode. and when it's over it feels fake again. im scared of doing anything that might be good for me - going outside, visiting a friend, engaging with my interests - because if anything that isn't medical help cures me, it will mean i didn't have a real illness. im hesitant to go see my best friend because what if i get better by spending some time with her and that will prove i was lying all this time, because real illnesses don't get better with these methods. i feel like im forcing myself in the OCD mold only to feel special and am a bad, horrible person for appropriating real OCD sufferers' struggle. maybe seeing a psychiatrist would reassure me even if it would cost me so much money. im terrified of recovery without psychiatric help. i dont know what to do. im sorry if this doesn't make any sense