My heart is broken.

Im so sorry that happened for you. Idk if u have the same experience but does it ever convince u that u like the thoughts? It makes me avoid so much. I constantly consider locking myself away or confessing to cops because id rather that than be a sicko.

@Love1another<3 Btw, the fact that you are so upset is automatic proof that these thoughts go against your values. Ocd is ego-dystonic and attacks who you care about the most. So that makes complete sense why Ocd goes after your brother. My ocd goes after my mom

@Love1another<3 - Thank you this makes me feel a little better. I think the hardest part is that sometimes the lines blur and u start to feel like u actually want it or like it. Especially with groinals which for me have become super strong and constant. Sometimes even just the thought of my siblings face causes it. And I also get this overwhelming urge that im gonna lose control and touch that area even tho I dont want to. The heart breaking part is remembering how it used to be i would say I was his second mom. But now our relationship is nowhere near as close to what it was because of me. And I just dont get how it could go from that to this.

@ran_0fff - I find myself literally looking up if it's possible to just become attracted to that stuff especially bc I have trauma. And its been years since this started.

@ran_0fff That’s so relatable and thank you for being so open and honest about that :) Your transparency helps a lot of people on this app feel less alone, including me because I’ve been in your shoes before. What you are describing are all symptoms of OCD: groinal responses, intrusive feelings, intrusive urges, etc. Intrusive thoughts aren’t the only symptom. I also had urges and it felt like I was going to do horrible things I didn’t want to do. But OCD is a liar and we just have to ignore those urges, no matter how strong they feel. ERP therapy will completely change your life. I used to have POCD and I haven’t suffered from that theme for years after treatment. Ocd is highly manageable 👍 Also it makes sense that you said you had this issue for years because we will struggle with Ocd for that long if it’s untreated. Ocd also flares up during stressful events so that’s a possibility for you. Ocd is a lifelong disorder but the symptoms can quiet down so much with ERP treatment that you hardly even notice them 💪🙏 There will be a time that you’re not dealing with this, with the correct treatment

@Love1another<3 - Thank you. It's juat hard because from the moment I wake up im hit with a thought. And immediately the cycle starts. It just feels like im betraying my family and boyfriend. I stopped doing anything with him because of intrusive thoughts and that im afraid im rlly deceiving him. I just feel like a bad sister and person. Sometimes it even feels like I like it and then I have to correct the thought to make sure my brain knows I don't want it.

@ran_0fff - I had a question. If you're a girl do you notice it flares up more around ovulation/period. Thats when my groinals become their worst and then they kind of subside.

@ran_0fff - I am a girl yes :) Our periods 100% affect our Ocd symptoms. It makes our symptoms feel much stronger. I always know when my period is coming when I start randomly crying about my intrusive thoughts for no reason lol. Also, I hear a lot of self-blame (understandably because I went through that too). But Ocd comes with these symptoms and an increased amount of intrusive thoughts. You're not betraying your family by having a mental illness. Treat yourself as if you would a friend. What advice would you tell someone else who struggles with your same issue? Would you want them to have self-compassion? Also, I'm sure you don't talk down to someone with depression for being depressed. I'm sure you also wouldn't talk down to someone with a panic disorder for panicking. So I'm curious why you talk down to yourself for having obsessions and compulsions when you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? :) Feeling the need to correct your thoughts is an experience probably all of us Ocd sufferers have. It can be referred to as "thought-replacing." But that compulsion doesn't work as the intrusive thoughts always come back. And these symptoms aren't your responsibility. You didn't create these intrusive thoughts. You didn't want to be born with this disorder. It's something that happened TO you. So there's nothing to correct in that regard. The only thing you need to do is work on ERP therapy so that you can live a peaceful life and learn to love yourself despite your intrusive thoughts <3

@Love1another<3 - I blame myself because so.etimes it feels intentional and because the thoughts are so weird and specific. As well as the fact its an all day constant occurrence. I guess its also difficult because I haven't actually been diagnosed with ocd by a professional so it feels like it could be me making up an excuse. There's always just the possibility that I actually am that person and thats what I think stops me from letting go. Even if I dont want to do the thoughts it could still be something I secretly like ir something.

@ran_0fff - Yes getting diagnosed from a professional would be the best step so that they can get you started on ERP treatment as soon as possible. I'm not allowed to diagnose anyone but I will give a general fact that having constant daily, taboo specific thoughts is the exact symptom of Ocd. Ocd is a constant obsession about thoughts that we don't like- about people or things we care about. To me, it sounds like you can relate to those symptoms (but again, I'm not diagnosing lol). There's no reason for you to blame yourself for an unfortunate issue that has happened to you. Also, you mentioned questioning if you secretly like this. Here's an analogy: think of your favorite ice cream. I bet you love that :) Does eating that ice cream bring you joy? Do you look forward to that experience? Do you question if you like ice cream? Do you make posts feeling afraid that you like ice cream? My guess is that you feel confident and happy about ice cream and it's not something that upsets you or makes you negatively question. That's a sign that you like something! With what you're going through now: sounds like you don't actually enjoy it if you're making posts feeling upset about why this experience is happening to you. It's not an issue that you want to be dealing with in your life. You just want to be happy, at peace and feeling confident

@ran_0fff Btw, I’ve been dealing with weird and specific intrusive thoughts almost everyday of my life so you’re 100% not alone 😄 Back when I had POCD and harm ocd, that was on my mind 24/7. I don’t have those two themes anymore but I still have relationship OCD. I’m in a very similar position to you. The only difference is that my thoughts don’t bother me as much because I did ERP therapy and I’ve had to work on self-compassion for my taboo thoughts. It’s a hard process I won’t lie. But if I was able to do it, anyone can! There’s soooo much hope for you ❤️ Don’t even worry about it :)

@Love1another<3 - And its like everytime im not doing as bad it feels like im condemned because I had those thoughts and everything. Like Im keeping a secret. I got over my harm intrusive thoughts for the most part. But it switched to this and i cant seem to get out of it.

@ran_0fff For your feeling of getting condemned for your thoughts: is there a law that says you should be arrested for having intrusive thoughts? Orr maybe thoughts don’t equal actions so it’s only illegal to do acts and it’s not illegal to have thoughts? 🤔 Everyone in the world has harm intrusive thoughts, including those without OCD. It’s a survival mechanism. If you should be condemned for your harm thoughts, then so should billions of other ppl :) Also, all OCD is the same. So if you were able to overcome harm Ocd, you surely can overcome any other them of Ocd as well :) They’re all equal in our brains. All OCD is Ocd. The only difference is the social stigma (that shouldn’t be there)

@Love1another<3 - For some reason sexual thoughts are so much harder to overcome. I've had times where I thought I overcame it and was mistaken. I cant even watch things that involve sexual abuse to kids. So I cant understand why this is happening. My brain paints it out to be that I enjoy it even though i think hurting a child is disgusting. Especially when sometimes I dont feel anxiety or it feels like I thought it purposefully.

@ran_0fff And that’s okay ❤️ We all have times where we struggle more than others. That’s part of the human experience. We also have times where certain OCD themes are louder than other themes. They wax and wane. On the bright side, ERP therapy will help you with all of these symptoms :) They’re won’t be a big issue for you in the future anymore as long as you consistently maintain an ERP lifestyle. Getting treatment as fast as you can is the best option- whether you do ERP with an OCD therapist or self-ERP (if a therapist isn’t affordable). I highly recommended working with this company. NOCD is where I got treated

@Love1another<3 - Okay I will try this out. I can just only hope that something will change. I wish I could've just been normal.

@Love1another<3 - I also feel like im worried these are actually fantasies or something. Because when im laying in bed ill try to think something sweet and it turns sexual. And I feel like a creep.

@ran_0fff Yup! Sounds like OCD for sure. It always tries to ruin our moments. Always have faith and hope but I can give you confidence that things will for sure change if you dedicate yourself to the ERP process :) Trust in your future therapist and trust in yourself as well. You are the same person as you were before this POCD episode started and you will come out as an even more confident person after you enter OCD recovery 💪

@Love1another<3 - But how do I know for sure its ocd and not real desire?

@Love1another<3 - I think its also because I had a really bad thought the more I thought abt it the more detailed it got and it felt intentional. And I feel uncomfortable.

@ran_0fff I promise you that I see that same question asked here almost every day so that’s a huge sign to me that this is OCD lol 😄 And that makes complete sense that when you think further on something, it gets more detailed. I’d be surprised if it didn’t :) Also intentional thinking is a big part of the rumination compulsion. You def fit into our OCD community here and you will find a lot of people just like you 🫶

@Love1another<3 - Its so exhausting. Im trying to sleep next to my brother currently. I literally pulled the blanket over on myself and my brain said I had malicious intent. And then more intrusive thoughts. I looked at him and started crying because moments that are supposed to be sweet and innocent turn perverse and ruined in my mind.

Have u ever had an intrusive thought that was almost like in the context of how a fantasy would be? It is really upsetting me. This happened yesterday when I typed that message. It was like I was looking at my brother in a perverted way and I had a sexual thought that kept getting worse. Obviously I wasnt enjoying it but it felt like it was intentional and I didnt even feel that anxious as I normally would. My fear is that im just in denial.

@ran_0fff - I also get them about my little sister and kids in general. But mainly my siblings. And I dont understand why. Especially with feelings down there even tho I dont want to do it.

@ran_0fff - I've had all sorts of odd thoughts that also felt VERY real, and I haven't acted on them (though OCD's made me start doubting this, too). The fear of denial is one of the strongest things that keeps OCD alive ngl I've also had that happen so many times, we're in the same boat pretty much

@PureOIsHellOnEarth - I constantly question if im actually attracted to that. Especially when I dont feel a pit in my stomach or panic. I always feel like I should feel more guilty or worse. I go on with life pretending none of its happening and it feels deceitful. And my intrusive thoughts are of me enjoying sexual or disgusting acts like a manifestation of what im afraid I am or something.