I’m struggling really bad mentally

I get stuck in black and white thinking and rumination on past and future connection, like it has to be true because I experienced it before. It really harms me mentally and in my relationships.

I think you have two issues going on. The first is dealing with a traumatic past of abuse and neglect. This by itself requires a lot of processing. And the second issue is the OCD. And this requires a lot of work and time as well. The good news is that you can get better from both of these! There's been a lot of research done about OCD in particular, and therapies like ERP have completely turned people's lives around. You can get to a place where you are living exactly the way you want to live, despite the OCD. And there can be healing from past traumas also!! This will probably look like a journey for you that takes time. But just keep taking one little step at a time. After a while, you will look back on your journey and see how far you have come.

You’re a young adult and now is the time for grappling with these things. It’s ok if during this time you feel a lot of unpleasant emotions. The only way out is through. And processing the past is not easy. But you can and will do it. Don’t worry so much about letting go right now. Focusing on just letting yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. You’re essentially in a state of grief. You’re grieving the past you wish you’d had, the version of yourself you may have become otherwise, and the loss of any family/friends you’ve since needed to distance yourself from. This is complicated stuff. You sound incredibly self aware and I have a feeling you’re going to come out the other side a compassionate and caring person who’s able to extend a lot of empathy in this world. And that’s exactly what we need right now. Keep going.

I know this is probably not the response you wanted to hear, but I wanted to say I am struck by how beautiful your writing is, you have a great talent. I am glad you are still here, still going. Keep going, you never know what chance and the universe have in store for you.

This is based on my own experience and personal growth and not meant to steer you or anyone else in any particular direction. In my case giving the Lord my trust and faith in who He is and who He says that I am defines my self-worth now. I have found acceptance, love, comfort and peace through and in Jesus this past year. I’m stronger because of Him and His saving grace. I’m less fearful of engaging with others and I’ve started to put myself out there by slowly removing my comfort barriers despite living with OCD. Turning to God has provided me with a myriad of benefits and joy. I’ve reconciled with the behaviors of those who have hurt me in the past and my life is currently moving in the direction that I was called to live and that’s beside the shadow of Jesus. My prayer for you and for all of us here is that we continue to persevere and give ourselves the grace we deserve! 🕊️