[NSFW] hocd or denial? I'm lost and confused... I (m18) have been straight my whole life. I fantasized about girls, only got hard to them, masturbated to them... I've had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now and she is the most wonderful person ever, and I am attracted to her both romantically and sexually. So, all of it started three years ago. I saw a movie with a gay sex scene and I thought that it must feel pretty good to be at the bottom. Since then, I sometimes (but not often) thought about being on the bottom when masturbating. Although I felt kind of aroused by the thought, I thought it was a simple fantasy or fetish that I have. I tried some stuff to myself down there but I never liked it. I never had a crush on any man, nor have I ever had romantic interest in a man. About 3 weeks ago I really thought about it and I started thinking I was gay. I thought I was gay because I got kind of aroused by thinking about gay sex like this. I thought I wasn't gay because I was never interested in a man and I always had crushes on women but then I thought I was gay because I was aroused by the thought of gay sex. I started to check myself in my head by thinking of gay sex and straight sex to see if I would be aroused, and I looked at some straight porn - and once even gay porn - to see if I would be aroused. I got a bit hard from the gay porn which made me panic. I feel less aroused in general and it feels like my libido has crashed. Now, when I try to masturbate, I sometimes only think about gay sex, which makes me panic more. It feels like I'm losing my love for my girlfriend, and it feels like I'm less attracted to her, both romantically and sexually. It feels like I don't love her, but I do, and then I question everything. I feel like it's harder for me to get aroused by women. I used to imagine snuggling with my gf and falling asleep with her, which usually made me aroused, but now I don't get aroused by that. Worse, if I try to imagine doing the same with a male, I don't get aroused either. I sometimes feel like this isn't hocd (I don't know if I even have ocd, I don't have a therapist) and that I'm just in denial. I feel like I'm only not leaving my girlfriend because I don't want to harm her, and I don't love her, but I do, I love her very much and I always imagined spending my future with her. It feels like I love her and I don't at the same time. I don't know what is going on. Am I gay? Bi? I don't want to leave my girlfriend, she is amazing and wonderful and I want to stay with her and I love her, but I constantly doubt that as well. Am I gay or bi if I fantasize about gay sex and get kind of aroused? Again, I never thought about having a romantic relationship with a male, and I only ever wanted to be with women. The thought used to disgust me but thinking about it now doesn't make me feel anything, but then again, neither does thinking about the same with a woman now, which is making me afraid as well. What should I do?? I'm lost and confused and I don't want to be gay or bi, but I constantly doubt myself. I don't want to leave her, but I question even that thought - do I not want to leave her because I love her or because I don't want to hurt her - which makes me even more lost.

TonyOCD

Date posted: 6y

When it comes to fantasies, they can come in any shape. It doesn't mean you're attracted to guys. Many straight people have gay fantasies. Nonetheles, due to OCD's nature, and because it's actually more accurate, it's batter not to think of sexuality as binary (gay or straight). You are exactly what you describe: a man, who's always been attracted to girls, and who happes to enjoy some fantasies that go beyond this preference. Nothing more, nothing less. If you haven't read it yet, this article might help https://ocdla.com/sexual-orientation-ocd-challenges-treatment-hocd-1978 Don't obsess over it, if you have ocd, it will feed on your capacity to have a creative brain that can enjoy certain fantasies. Not feeling the same with your girlfriend or girls in general when facing hocd is a commont symptom.

Shaiyka

Date posted: 5y

Well said man!

Vheen

Date posted: 5y

It sounds like HOCD, the more you want to be in control and tell yourself it is dangerous it becomes intrusive. Always remind yourself that it is safe to feel homosexually aroused. It helped me decreaase groinal, anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Also go pray to God and read the Bible.

Shaiyka

Date posted: 6y

Bro, what a share, you gotta be real brave in order to share that. I feel like the answer is within the lines... that feeling when your brain is tricking you, its hard. But I think that the fact you wrote it shows that you have the will of taking care of yourself, and its real great! i feel like thats the point when the OCD, just like a bad angel on your shoulder who tries to drive you crazy. Maybe mindfullness methods or meditation is a great way of dealing with it, its a long journey, but it will work. Take care brother! Beter days will come :)

trinitii

Date posted: 6y

So... This is all a part of HOCD?

Shaiyka

Date posted: 6y

Amigo, non of us has the knowledge or diploma to set this kind thing... but this is a great platform to share and mybe have some social support or simple tips in order to make our life better :)

BRoyTheNatural

Date posted: 4y

I’m similar I sort of have a thing for pegging where a girl does it but now I can’t get the thought of a guy doing it out of my head and there was this scene of game of thrones that triggered me so much and I watched a video that said to get rid of your Intrusive thoughts you should masturvate to them so I did and I regret it so much and I just feel so gay and want to die. It’s not fair I was always straight. And I told my therapist this and she said I should masturvate to the gay thoughts MORE which made me panic I don’t want to do that at all.

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