[NSFW] hocd or denial? I'm lost and confused... I (m18) have been straight my whole life. I fantasized about girls, only got hard to them, masturbated to them... I've had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now and she is the most wonderful person ever, and I am attracted to her both romantically and sexually. So, all of it started three years ago. I saw a movie with a gay sex scene and I thought that it must feel pretty good to be at the bottom. Since then, I sometimes (but not often) thought about being on the bottom when masturbating. Although I felt kind of aroused by the thought, I thought it was a simple fantasy or fetish that I have. I tried some stuff to myself down there but I never liked it. I never had a crush on any man, nor have I ever had romantic interest in a man. About 3 weeks ago I really thought about it and I started thinking I was gay. I thought I was gay because I got kind of aroused by thinking about gay sex like this. I thought I wasn't gay because I was never interested in a man and I always had crushes on women but then I thought I was gay because I was aroused by the thought of gay sex. I started to check myself in my head by thinking of gay sex and straight sex to see if I would be aroused, and I looked at some straight porn - and once even gay porn - to see if I would be aroused. I got a bit hard from the gay porn which made me panic. I feel less aroused in general and it feels like my libido has crashed. Now, when I try to masturbate, I sometimes only think about gay sex, which makes me panic more. It feels like I'm losing my love for my girlfriend, and it feels like I'm less attracted to her, both romantically and sexually. It feels like I don't love her, but I do, and then I question everything. I feel like it's harder for me to get aroused by women. I used to imagine snuggling with my gf and falling asleep with her, which usually made me aroused, but now I don't get aroused by that. Worse, if I try to imagine doing the same with a male, I don't get aroused either. I sometimes feel like this isn't hocd (I don't know if I even have ocd, I don't have a therapist) and that I'm just in denial. I feel like I'm only not leaving my girlfriend because I don't want to harm her, and I don't love her, but I do, I love her very much and I always imagined spending my future with her. It feels like I love her and I don't at the same time. I don't know what is going on. Am I gay? Bi? I don't want to leave my girlfriend, she is amazing and wonderful and I want to stay with her and I love her, but I constantly doubt that as well. Am I gay or bi if I fantasize about gay sex and get kind of aroused? Again, I never thought about having a romantic relationship with a male, and I only ever wanted to be with women. The thought used to disgust me but thinking about it now doesn't make me feel anything, but then again, neither does thinking about the same with a woman now, which is making me afraid as well. What should I do?? I'm lost and confused and I don't want to be gay or bi, but I constantly doubt myself. I don't want to leave her, but I question even that thought - do I not want to leave her because I love her or because I don't want to hurt her - which makes me even more lost.

I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.

My mind keeps jumping to conclusions that I’m in denial and i have to come out , crazy how a thought went from “what if I’m gay” to “what if I’ve always been” to “you’re bi” to “you’re gsy” to full on statements and conclusions, like coming out and being in denial , as homophobic as this sounds everytime i see something gay i get an ick im not disgusted, very slightly, i was never like this, now I’m contemplating if i ever even liked women when i know i have before. I have nothing against gay people but i just don’t wanna be gay , saying that makes me feel uneasy which makes me more confused. Idk what I’ve become at this point .Now I’m doubting every life decision I’ve taken and gosh i wish me and my ex lasted, i was happy, even when we fought i remember telling myself we’re gonna get through this we’ll be fine, here i am doubting everything, at the same time wishing me and her lasted, regretting how i treated her, then the ocd part uses the fact that i went soft a few times with her and lost all interest in women after the break up against me, and then its basically convincing me to say that i am gay, none of these adds up . My brain keeps showing me images of being with men and happy about it and i don’t want that, i don’t think i ever did, then it’s like oh movies and tv shows have influenced you to think you should be with women , and then I’m here like if that was the case I’d feel uncomfortable and feel out of place , I’ve never felt that, i felt good with women and all as long as she was clean didn’t smell ofc but yeah now I’m so fucking lost.

Why can't I figure this out and why when I try to it makes me feel like I am gay? I feel so depressed I was starting to be myself again and I was so happy even got a girlfriend and was working out and about to get a job too but now it's all lost I hav wno motivation to do anything, when I check gay porn I get aroused, when I imagine scenarios no matter what I get aroused I guess I've lost. I've never been homophobic or saw it as wrong but I also was never interested in men I always had crushes and fantasized about women and wanting to only be with women but now it feels like I can't even do that. I'm also noticing men alot more now too as handsome or pretty boy faced and it's making me feel even more in denial ): I fucking hate this so much I would do anything to go back to my comfortable happy self who was straight and girl crazy. I really hope this isn't all real I don't want any of this i just want to be straight not because of society but that's what made me the happiest and most fulfilling version of myself. I just don't understand why it all feels so real? Why I can't no matter what have certainty that stops me from checking? Why does porn cause arousal? Why do I notice men alot more? Even now I still don't want sex or a relationship especially a relationship because the thought of being intimate with a man isn't something I want and would make me uncomfortable and sex causes arousal but it's not something I want unlike women I desire it I want it. It makes me feel all fuzzy and good inside.