needing a friend rn 😕

I'm sry if this may make people worry or feel uncomfortable in advance! Hello everyone as u can see I struggle with ocd and I HATE IT WITH MY LIFE , it started in 2020 covid obv contamination ocd started here , I used to carry alcohol everywhere and used to wash my hands so much that it bled ( had to wear gloves to cover it so friends or family won't see it ) and everything else started since then , harm ocd with myself or friends I couldn't hold a knife..it was really hard..and I have unwanted sexual thoughts ocd , I have panic attacks bc of this..I sometimes cannot look people into their eyes and its so random and so scary..thoughts about.. 🍇..whether it's me or I'm gonna harm someone else uk..I sometimes cannot function properly.. unfortunately friends don't understand it rather think it's about " perfectionism "..I wrote those thoughts and stuff in a journal in more details ofc and doodle ( I'm scared someone will find it ) I hate myself tbh and I don't think someone will read this... I suspect I have ADHD with all this but ocd is " ur faking it " even though lots of people have hinted about it , I thought I actually killed someone for 2 years a girl..until I realized what HOCD is , I thought I faked my ocd too in fact , I have perfectionism ocd too it's bad and I HATE PURE O it's so DRAINING uk.. also idk if this has caused a problem for anyone but if y'all know the Truman show ( basically if u don't know the main character is being filmed and his life is fake and he doesn't know it ) THAT MOVIE HAS HARMED ME SO BADLY FOR YEARS that until today I have to check in the bathroom if there are cameras cuz like ocd makes me think I'm living in a fake world , I used to think people around me , everyone was like a Ai model or smth.. everytime until today I have to clean the toilet seat bc it may be dirty..I have been taking up to 5 showers a day cuz maybe I'm dirty..that's it for today tysm if u read this till the end I'd like to know ur thoughts if u got tips or have similar experiences ! 🤗 U get a chocolate bar 🍫 bc u earned it bc ik how ocd is so frustrating ( I also noticed everyone who has ocd is so nice right 😆! )

Recently, since completing my year long therapy program and being connected with NOCD (and now in the transitionary period and waiting for the green light from insurance to work with an OCD specialist), I've been trying to convince myself to go out more and go to public places--to go shopping again, order food in-person, maybe to meet someone, get extra work, something! But...many days, basically EVERY day, my OCD bullies me into thinking my intrusive thoughts are the ONLY certain thing that WILL happen that day, even though they haven't. I worry I can't be around people, or that I pose some risk to others, and that it'd be better for the world, if I stayed in my family home. Unless I've been explicitly given a task by an immediate family (drive someone to an appointment/work/a commitment that they can't get to themselves, or the 1 part-time job I have), I'm to remain in the house, mostly my room. It's this paralyzing time-vampire, that just saps you of your will to do ANYTHING or break out of familiarity. Not even comfortable familiarity, just familiar. You know it's not good for you, and your over it, and that new better opportunities exist just outside of those doors, but so do the narratives your intrusive thoughts write. And why would you go out and risk turning an unpleasant page, when the familiar story you know all to well, and read every day has as serviceable. Not a good end, not a bad one. Just a temporary end. You revel in being able to put your head down on your pillow, at the end of the day, and close your eyes, simply because you made it through the day. You didn't accomplish much, due to satiating your obsessions with your compulsions for hours on end, but your pillow still feels so rewarding...your reward for surviving, even though you'll be deploy to that hellish battlefield in your mind again tomorrow.

Hi wonderful people. I hope you’re all doing well and if not, I really hope you find a moment of peace soon. Im really glad this app exists as a safe space for people. Im just coming on here to vent, I hope thats okay. The last few days have been rough for me OCD wise. Im getting ready to drive back to university which is a really long drive, and I have to do it alone. Driving is one of my worst OCD triggers- every time I’m on the wheel of a car I have these horrid intrusive thoughts about crashing, or what would have happened if I crashed and died/killed someone, or breaking a traffic law and being arrested. I feel like I need to turn around and double check I didn’t run a stop sign and ruminate over it and it’s terrible. And I have to drive exactly the speed limit or I’ll be arrested. Idk- I try my best to manage and just take breaks when I need to but my palms sweat and my hands shake and staring at nothing for hours at a time makes for great intrusive thought breeding grounds. And because I’m stressed my other ocd issues are popping up like rocd- I’m so grateful my poor boyfriend has the patience of a stone. We’ve both grown a lot over the past few months and a lot has changed since my diagnosis- especially now that we both know my “trust issues” are a symptom of something bigger. But I go through these cycles where the goblin convinces me he’ll someday become abusive. The whole “oh she/they/he was so sweet until xyz and then I was trapped and I thought they were going to murder me.” Back before I had my diagnosis and I was having “moments” as we call them, where I ruminate and ruminate and compulse for hours while having panic attacks, he would sometimes get frustrated and stressed and yell. It was always with love, something like “I dont understand why you cant just listen to me and take care of yourself” or “you know the coping mechanisms to feel better so why dont you do them” or “what do you want me to say? That everythings going to turn out horribly?” (Reassurance seeking). I know in my heart that these were vulnerable moments coming from not know what to do or how to help, but the goblin wont shut up and stop telling me these are somehow “red flags” that someday hes going to turn and become abusive towards me. And then sometimes i compulse that if I just do xyz it wont happen, like not talk or something. Idk, Im just scared and frustrated. We’ve had conversations about the yelling and how it’s a trigger and hes been really good about stepping away when he needs a minute- especially now that we both know what “moments” really are, instead of a seemingly random psychotic break multiple times a week. Im also getting better now that I’m on meds. But gosh when the goblin pops up it just makes me crazy. Im just grateful he knows about ocd and has been so supportive throughout everything. (I feel like in post I should note that we’re partially long distance, we live 5hrs apart during the school year and see eachother on breaks. He gets frustrated and stressed when I’m having an attack and he physically cannot be there to help me.) Idk, Idk what Im really saying. I’m just quite stressed and theres a lot of goblin thoughts pingponging around my head and making quite the racket. I spun out last night in a compulsion attack and panic attack and it really stank, I don’t really remember a lot of it now. My partner was with me and it was related to both of the above and all he could do was keep me from pulling at my hair and hold me until I came out of it. I feel horrible for putting him through all of this but I’m also so grateful. Idk, everything’s just so stressful right now. If any of you read to this point thank you, I’m sorry this was so long, I just really needed to explode out into the anonymous void. Thanks again