TL;DR: ROCD spike, doubts, online therapy? I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown. Pretty sure it's because of my job, which I've been wanting to quit for a year now, and it's a big cause of stress and unhappiness. But until now, that didn't matter when I was home with my partner, or even away (long distance some times) but talking with him. Just him being there made me truly happy. I didn't need anything else. Now I feel super bogged down with issues and anxiety and I'm generally unhappy. And the worst part is this intrusive thought: "if my partner alone is not enough to make me happy, does that mean I don't love him anymore? That I shouldn't be with him?" Just thinking about that makes me wanna stop existing. I don't want to be without him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. But I blame myself so much for not being happy despite being with him. My brain goes like "what if you're falling out of love? That's why you feel unhappy now. If you loved him, you'd be happy like before." Which is crazy. I have a friend who "fell out of love" with her previous partners and I never understood that. My ex actually fell out of love with me. And now I'm like "what if it happens to me too?? What if I start feeling like that, what if it's already happening?!" And I panic so much and feel like utter crap. When I discovered that ROCD is a thing, I was immediately relieved. Like "this makes so much sense. It's a brain issue, it's not a real problem." Because let me make clear, that there is indeed no problem in my relationship. It's just my brain asking "but what if you fall out of love, like your friends did? It can happen for no reason, it happened to them! So maybe it will happen to you!" Now I'm asking myself "but what if it's NOT ROCD and I'm in denial about my 'true' feelings and my 'true' self" and all this "what if" tortures me and I feel so numb all the time, like nothing matters. Like everything is so pointless. I'm away from my partner right now, been on a business trip in another country for 3 weeks by myself. My feelings are mixed because on one hand I miss him so much and I just wanna hug him and cuddle, on the other "what if you still feel numb after you're back? What if you're just lying to him, playing with him?" which I would never do, I hate myself just for thinking of it. I thought I was on my way to recovery because educating myself about OCD helped SO much, but now it's back and I'm like "the fact that it got worse again despite the education means that it's not OCD, it's real." I haven't been personally diagnosed. Perhaps it would be best to seek out a therapist. I've read that therapists who are not experienced with OCD might tell people "maybe that's how you truly feel deep inside" though, and that would probably destroy me. I can't find any therapists specializing in OCD in my area. To anyone who took the time to read this: do you know any online therapists that you can video call with? That would be a tremendous help, I think :)