Feelings of being behind and not doing much

You're right. And I have been asking myself that about medication. Now I'm doing that with ERP. To be completely honest, I'm just sick of going through this and I'm not happy with the way my life is progressing because of it. I just want to be able to do something about it that involves tackling the anxiety and actually getting to a state of calm and peace with myself. And to where my thoughts aren't so bothersome. I'm scared of course but I'm also frustrated and tired. I'm sick of days passing me by because of what OCD decides it's time to worry about or how it will affect me mentally, physically, or both.

Have you tried doing anything to take those feelings away? That's what I'm going to do today. Cus I'm sick of doing nothing about it

@BigGyro09 I just woke up and I was already triggered by someone confirming my worst POCD fears... so I cant do anything right now... but what I used to do, was just distracting myself... unhealthy way to cope, but its honestly helped me because I'd rather not engage with reality at the moment...

@Givenup The solution to this is to sit with the possibility of that unwanted answer and do so until the anxiety goes away. But since this is a really hard topic, it's crucial you have a therapist on your side. I seriously hope you get one very soon. What trouble do you have getting a therapist?

@BigGyro09 I have to get a diagnosis in order to see a therapist, and I can't do that because it will disqualify me from the scholarship I need to go into medical school. If I'm diagnosed with OCD, I can't go into medical school because I will be saddled with six figures worth of loans and debt...

@Givenup So there's no possible way your school can help you with this if you address it? What about insurance? Can't you use that for costs of therapy?

@BigGyro09 I dont have insurance sadly...

@BigGyro09 Its a military scholarship. I will go into active duty for the amount of time I went to medical school. In exchange, they will give me a full scholarship for my tuition, a 20k signing bonus, and a 2,700 monthly stipend. I need this because I dont want my parents to have to worry about me saddling on debt, and paying them back for the amount of time i went to college for...

@Givenup Have you ever disclosed your mental health to anyone in charge of the scholarships or college to see if they can make a compromise?

@BigGyro09 No. And I dont want to risk it because they will either make me get a waiver, which is really difficult to do, or just flat out reject me because OCD is a mental illness that disqualifies you from the military.

@Givenup Your situation is really hard. Judging by your posts OCD is clearly very difficult to get through and you've been hurt by it from the same fears for years now. Do you think you'll manage once you're in the military? Are you going to hide those mental stressors while in?

@Givenup I had no idea OCD disqualified you. That’s very hard. All I would say is your mental health had to come first or else it will catch up with you.

@Boundaries I completely agree with this. Givenup, I know that you want to be in the military, but your mental health matters more than anything. It sucks that OCD disqualifies you from the military, but you can't just let OCD take over your mental and physical health. Every day you are experiencing the same dread that these thoughts give you and you deserve the opposite of that: To be free of all of those demons.

@BigGyro09 Im going to try as best as i can... but right now i feel so triggered because someone confirmed my worst pocd fears and basically said i did something similar to those disgusting youtubers who harm kids... I feel so triggered right now...

@Givenup I don't know if that's a good idea, man. I think you should really put finding a therapist first that's specialized in OCD to really get you through this. Your health matters.

Yup, you said it. I always think back to the times where I didn't go through this and I think what my adult life would be like without it. It all started when I was 18 so I have no idea how easy or hard adulting would have been without this. It sucks. Still, I'm just trying to do the things I want to do by scheduling when to do them. It's better than just feeling sorry for myself and letting my thoughts wander, you know?

@BigGyro09 This is so true. When we can push through and still live our lives in spite of this, when we focus on the good days whenever we possibly can, we are-at least-still trying. I’ve also dealt with this my entire adult life.

@WendyB Yeah, that does count for something. It's just hard to remember that when unhelpful self comparison helps. Have you ever tried medication?

I've been trying to use medication myself to improve my symptoms but I've been afraid of it.

@BigGyro09 I’ve been on many different medications; I currently take fluvoxamine for ocd. But honestly, it doesn’t work; I’ve taken it for 3 years now and I need to try something else, it’s just difficult to switch medications. I’ve tried several so what do I even try next?

@WendyB I'm very sorry to hear that that fluvoxamine didn't work. I do hope you find one that does work. Have you taken that same medication that didn't work for 3 years? Have you tried Prozac? That's the one I'm planning to use. Or Zoloft. I'm just worried about the rare side effects. Did side effects ever scare you?

@BigGyro09 I would like to go back to Prozac; I took it in my late teens early twenties and it did help. The side effects can be difficult with any antidepressant and sometimes they feel like a deal-breaker, and sometimes they are. It’s an adjustment that can take weeks no matter what, and you still have to live your life through all that adjusting. It’s challenging.

@WendyB I'm glad that Prozac helped! That is reassuring to hear and I look forward to it. We're side effects ever a deal breaker for you? The ones I'm afraid of are harmful thoughts and behaviors to myself. I only hope that I don't go through that whenever I do take it. It is challenging to live through it but it also helps alleviate the anxiety and the thoughts after weeks.