- Date posted
- Yesterday
My anxiety regarding my bf cheating..
Okay… this might sound like a typical post from a lonely teenager.. it’s not. I need to give some background though for it all to really make sense so bear with me.🥲 I grew up in a really toxic household- my mom drank a lot, and did numerous amounts of drugs. Growing up, I basically took care of her. We moved a lot because of what she was doing, so i never really had friends until we moved to Chicago, which ultimately was the best and worst place we ever lived in, and ultimately where most of my family passed including my mom. For more background, my dad wasn’t and still isn’t in the picture… I have separation anxiety, depression which is managed just fine tbh I’ve worked really hard to pull myself out of depression- bf has also helped with that a lot. I struggle a lot with anxiety as well, i have PTSD but honestly not much triggers me anymore due to me not being in that environment and just working on my own issues so to speak. I struggle with control issues, as i was never in control as a kid bc I couldn’t stop my mom from doing all the drugs, sleeping with the men, all the stuff I went through, but at the same time I was in total control since I was basically taking care of her and the family once we moved to Chicago. I’m not saying i took on a job at 9-12, but I did steal money from my friends to get us food, I’d go to the local churches to get food sometimes only wearing a tank top obviously with a hoodie and some sweats, but if you know Chicago you know how cold it gets, I was insane but it was for family. I got into stealing, I obviously knew it wasn’t okay but it was just a thing since my mom did it and had me help her or something. I didn’t put it in my bra- but I did tell her what to get.. I got into a bad friend group that had me start smoking and drinking, I still struggle with it at 17, only smoking- like vaping and smoking weed, which I so desperately want to stop but the cravings are real, aside from that it’s the only thing I have right now that kinda helps- which at the same time only makes it worse especially if I’m freaking out. Don’t know how to explain it tbh. anyways, I just had a really rough background. I was assaulted and harassed multiple times throughout the years, honestly for as long as I can remember. People at my job now say things, and it does make me feel weird, but it’s just words. Last time something really happened with a guy, or a girl- was earlier this year. Wasn’t anything too intense like it usually is, but something definitely happened… I’ve always been a compassionate person, but over the years, especially after my mom died, my anger got worse causing me to lose sight of that “nice person” I’m still an amazing human being, and I was even then, but I was mean in ways. I bullied when I was younger, around 4th and 5th grade- and even after my mom died. It wasn’t so harsh, but it was still me kinda being cruel to people. And I regret all of it. I’m easily taken advantage of- me not having decent role models when I was a kid made me a victim to being taken advantage of, bullied, abused, you name it. Relationships are another story when it comes to being taken advantage of…. But now the main purpose… I’m scared my boyfriend has/ will cheat on me for these reasons: He’s only had a few girlfriends in the past- all he’s cheated on with. To be fair, they weren’t the best people, most of them treated him wrong or made him feel weird. It isn’t an excuse. I can’t really say anything either though, because I basically cheated on everyone I’ve ever been in a rlsp with either and I’m not you know- out there but I have dated a bit.😭🙏🏻 He lied about hanging out with 2 girls from work- one from which I had an issue with, the other I went to school with. I was upset because he had followed her on Facebook, Snapchat, and had her on message but she worked with him, that was the only girl he had besides me and his mom or maybe one of his friends gfs which isn’t for a weird reason. But I didn’t really do much, I went though his texts and seen she had saved a pic of him, he did the same, he also had a nickname for her in his phone titled “Hercules” and I found out that previously when he lied about going out with her and the other girl I went to school with- he went to the mall and the woods with them for some reason she posted a pic of all of them in the woods doing god knows what and it’s still up- she also has a bf who she “loves very much” as she told me but come on now I’m a girl and I know that doesnt really matter. But regardless I found out he lied abt number one being with her- I knew from the get go he was with Emma, which is the girl from my school, but I didn’t know he was alone with 2 girls. he was at the mall, that was true, but idk why he was in the woods. and he was texting me, it was just weird. Anyways his friend met with them too and that makes me feel off. He pulls away sometimes, which scares me, but I know he’s going through a lot- he’s not rly a phone person or a social media person- besides that stuff with Cierra, honestly he’s never raised any red flags of cheating besides him being dry and pulling away. Again, he’s the type to not be on his phone much if he is he’s just watching reels on fb or something. We don’t have social media anymore, well Snapchat for him and everything else besides Facebook for me. We both have fb. The other day he was bragging to his mom about how I fold his clothes up before he goes to work or if he has to leave early if he’s spending the night, and how I’ll write him notes and stuff. His friends tell me how much he talks about me, even Cierra told me how much he talks about me at work. When we broke up he was telling this dude about me, apparently said things about me when I was never mentioned, asking questions about us telling him about us. He was mad, hurt, and missed me all at the same time. I didn’t cheat on him or anything, but our fight was longer and pettier this time. It was- bad. But we got through it. During the time we broke up he had a dating site, aged 20 and this was before he turned 18, and obviously he wasn’t really using it but it made me feel bad bc maybe he’s tryna get over me, or maybe not but regardless I wasn’t hurt I just felt bad. But he watches porn when we’re sexually active, and we do a lot- and I know some girls would be okay with that but I’m not and it makes me feel like in the future if I can’t give him what he wants- that’s bad phrasing but it’s the only words I can think of, but anyways if I can’t give him what he wants he’ll leave me for another girl or try to cheat. Overall, my anxiety makes me worried he’ll cheat on me. Worried I’m not enough, especially bc of the porn. Worried he’ll leave me again- the most recent time was our 6th or 7th time breaking up. For some reason we keep getting back together, almost 2 years in November. Most would say that’s toxic, but everytime we get back together we’re stronger. Kind of. We’re not perfect, we’re teens.😭 so we obviously still fight and stuff. Most of the time I honestly don’t think he’d cheat on me but when my anxiety goes up it’s hard to not think that or when he does/ says certain things it makes me think he’s cheating. It doesn’t really feel that way, honestly it only ever truly felt as if he was cheating on me when I was on depression meds- I’m only on something for my anxiety now since it’s so bad but even then… I’ve talked to him about it, he sometimes listens, he has a hard time listening to stuff. Bc of my background it’s easier for me to listen, with him a lot of stuff flies by his head which does make it harder to get through to him. Honestly, we’ve stayed together because he has changed a lot. He’s told his friends all about how I’ve changed him, helped “mellow him out” he tells them how much he cares for me. He told his one friend that “I’ve been cheated on several times, especially by this one girl- but I’m glad I met Alesia through her” or something like that I don’t remember but he showed me what he said when we still had Snapchat. I don’t know, I feel like most of it’s my anxiety- but also it’s my longest relationship. All my other ones lasted anywhere from 3 days which to be fair with me, anything over a month is a rlsp and those ones I don’t really could, but from 3 days to 3 1/2 months, until Wesley. Then again, only 2 ppl stayed 3 1/2 months lol. Wesley tells me how he’s in love with me, and I believe it. There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but how much is the question. Wesley comes from a rough background too, I take the cake for “worlds worst childhood” when it comes to the two of us but it’s never been a competition, point is, he went though similar stuff with his dad and mom. He doesn’t have many close close friends, only 3 close friends- others are just acquaintances. He doesn’t drink at all, rarely tbh. You won’t catch him drinking more than 3 shots, most of the time it’s only 1 or two. Again, no social media, not much of a party type either. He wants to have land when we’re older- away from a bunch of people. He doesn’t like crowded cities. He just wants to be with me, our future kids, on a nice land, and a bunch of dogs.😭 pretty much exactly how he described it. We’ve talked about marriage a lot, we’ve talked about the things we want for our kids, we’ve talked about life together. He’s cried a lot before bc he don’t wanna lose me. We’re both hot headed which doesn’t help. Overall, honestly I think it’s just my anxiety but I have no one to rlly talk to about this stuff.