So if something would hurt my partners feelings if they knew, does that mean it’s wrong of me? Whether it may be something that actually occurred, a feeling, thought…. Ugh. And then I’m like what if they’d break up with me for it. Holy smokes scary. Makes me want to confess which I know I’m not going to give in to. Ex. having crush on someone else
Hey!!! Been through the exact same obsession and still deal with it from time to time. I have confessed over and over again to my own partner and spoken to my therapist as well. My therapist’s best and longest standing advice has been this: if you do something ACTUALLY and OBJECTIVELY wrong, you will “know.” You won’t feel the need to sit there and ruminate and go back and forth on the ethics of it because you would just KNOW that it was wrong and your body would immediately push you to confess. The example he gave me was this: if I kissed another guy, I would instantly feel sick and confess immediately. I would know it’s wrong. I wouldn’t go back and forth on whether or not it’s cheating when I would just intuitively know that it is. My therapist told me that all these other sources of guilt that I find myself constantly ruminating about and trying to discern whether they are wrong or not… he told me I need to just try moving past them. Just keep going and pushing past them no matter what.
@Dalia H. Gosh thank you!! So even if my partner would be upset it doesn’t necessarily make whatever it is wrong. I often put myself in my partners shoes and know that I would be upset if roles were reversed and that makes me even guiltier. Maybe all this ruminating is the sign that I need to just keep going like your therapist is saying!
@Mk3 I worry about the exact same thing. To the point where I have repeatedly and ritualistically confessed things like fantasizing, looking at social media accounts, daydreaming, feeling things, etc. All the things I have told my partner about were responded to with reassurance and kindness, but I worry about specifics like “Maybe I haven’t fully conveyed the frequency and intensity of the thoughts - maybe if he knew that, his response would be different.” I don’t have an exact answer to your inquiry because I worry about the exact same thing. I will say, however, that we never know what’s going on in our partners’ heads. It is entirely possible that what causes you to ruminate is just an ordinary and normal thought to them.
@Dalia H. It seems like our brains work very similarly geez !! But yes. You’re right. I especially ruminate over this little thing that I’ve done that makes me feel guilty. Who knows. It’s also hard because my partner is literally an angel. Anyways, based off what your therapist said, since I’m ruminating over these topics it seems like I should just try to move past them- no matter what!
I’m so so so anxious right now, I got triggered really badly. My partner made a joke saying he’s glad all his coworkers are old and married because he “won’t develop feelings for any of them.” This sent me into a major spiral and I almost threw up and starting sobbing from the anxiety. It triggered me badly and everything was fine before that. I’m so anxious that I cheated on my partner. I’ve had an ROCD obsession with another person for a few months now, and I’ve told my partner EVERYTHING. I told him how I have a crush on this person, how guilty I feel about messaging a group server that this person is a part of (despite being very careful to never ever message them privately or even reply to their messages in the group server and instead message other people), how I have fantasized and daydreamed about this person. My partner was fine with it, and he said fantasizing is normal and that he has had crushes too. He said he has had a work crush and fantasized about her and that it was all fine and that fantasizing is fun as long as it stays a fantasy. I kept telling him that I am terrified that I’m having some sort of one-sided emotional affair by fantasizing about this person, and my partner kept telling me, “Okay so what? Now what? Let’s say your worst fears are true, now what? I’m not leaving you and you’re not leaving me so why worry about it?” I also feel like fantasizing about this person turned into a compulsion because I would spend months agonizing over the ROCD guilt, ruminating, throwing up, thinking, and then I’d try to fantasize in order to soothe the anxiety and “prove to myself” that it was nothing. I have talked to my therapist about this extensively and he told me that I should not confess as it’s a compulsion. He said if it were something wrong, my body would just “know” and I’d intuitively confess instead of ruminating over and over on whether it’s worth confessing or not. My partner told me he doesn’t want any more confessions and that he doesn’t need to know what goes on in my head. I’ve told him a lot already, about the crush, my fears, the daydreaming, and he said it was all fine. I know for a fact that I have never ever ever crossed a line with this person, I have been extremely careful to rarely ever interact with him. I’ve been careful to ensure that we’re not even FRIENDS at all, just barely acquaintances. Literally every single interaction has been just small talk the handful of times that I’ve seen him show up to a group event. He is also moving away and I’m never gonna see him again. I have been extremely obsessive and careful about not ever EVER speaking to him unless spoken to, never giving him attention, obsessively monitoring the frequency with which i pay attention, etc. But I’m so terrified that I’ve already done something wrong by having these thoughts and feelings. I feel like the feelings lasted this long BECAUSE of the OCD and guilt and anxiety. Because I became anxious and started ruminating on the feelings and the morality for months and months. I don’t know what to do. I need help. I feel like I’ve irreparably ruined my relationship. Did i catch feelings? Is there a difference between feelings and a crush? Is this a form of cheating? We are going on a trip in literally 12 hours and I’m so incredibly stressed I can’t take this. Do i confess?
I am in an endless battle to figure things out. I think I figure something out that makes me feel better about my thoughts and then I find something else to prove it wrong and the cycle continues. I have so much discomfort I want to confess to my partner so bad. How do I handle this. I don’t think I’ve ever sat in this much discomfort. Why does it feel THIS BAD.
My partner always says if it’s in my head then I “didn’t do anything.” But liking another person is doing something wrong!!!!!! (this is just one example I have more) I feel sick
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
