Advice on exposure for Suicidal OCD

Hey everyone, I have Suicidal OCD and have done a good job of conquering and managing the experience of this since starting ERP a year ago. Ive found exposure has been really successful when it’s about avoiding avoidance (eg. Walking across a high bridge, standing at a train station). However I find it much harder when it’s about avoiding reassurance. During winter, like most people, my mood takes a dip and I get some mild depression. The problem is, when that happens, my suicidal OCD kicks in. “maybe this time you’re actually suicidal”, “maybe this time you will actually do it”, “maybe this time will be the final time you can cope with it and you’ll just give up”. These are really clearly the what ifs of OCD and I’d like to be able to sit with feeling a bit down and sad without catastrophising those normal downs into worry about suicide or self harm. I want to avoid reassurance and avoidance which are the key compulsions I have. I meditate every day so I’m used to observing my dark feelings, but it’s the bits in my ordinary day that trip me up (I suddenly feel tearful, can’t explain it, worry that means severe suicidal depression is kicking in). QUESTION: What exposure or experiment can I set up to help me?

jay4572

Date posted: 3d

Commenting to stay on this thread as I also may be experiencing this

Patrick H

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3d

I was also careful to choose response prevention that wasn’t overly reassuring: “This thoughts create feelings that are uncomfortable but the thoughts/ feelings are not dangerous” “Maybe I will actually do it this time, maybe I will not”

Cherno

Date posted: Yesterday

Brother, do you suffer from repetitive thoughts? The entire day I’m getting asked “what if you finish yourself?”. That’s all I hear all day not an hour of the day goes by. I’d appreciate any advice

Patrick H

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@Cherno Yes. That’s the obsession I have that I keep coming back to - it’s near constant when it’s bad. Since doing the tape loop exposure last week, I’ve been less bothered. I wonder if exposing yourself to your thoughts and just letting them be there using response prevention is the best thing to do for you?

Cherno

Date posted: 10h

@Patrick H The tape exposure is one of the exposures I hate the most. I’ve bene having these thoughts all day long, it feels like I’ve had them every minute of the day.

Patrick H

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6h

@Cherno I’m so sorry - it’s horrible isn’t? I found I had to really really actively try not to argue with the thoughts or reassure myself. I just had to watch them for what felt like forever. Eventually I got bored and whilst they keep coming back pretty persistently, they bite less hard now. Are you able to believe the uncertainty statements when you’re trying the loop exposure?

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 24w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

KTomsich

Date posted: 18w

Need advice

I'm new to NOCD and have been dealing with harm/suicidal, and Pure OCD for some time now. It started off being healthy related anxiety that led to compulsion where I would research information on an uncommon illness or something I thought I had. Now it has snowballed into intrusive thoughts and images of me killing myself in various ways or my wife. The former is what has been the most debilitating and hardest to shake. Recently I seem to find triggers almost every where I look. "What if I killed myself this way" if I see a kitchen knife or a bottle of pills. A friend talked about going to a gun range a while back and an image popped up of me being there and turning a gun to myself which is something I dont want to do. I love life and its so painful to go through thoughts that try to tell me otherwise. That particular image/thought has really stuck with me. I know about ERP and my therapist said I could rip the bandaid off and go to a gun range but it terrifies me. I don't own any weapons but I often think, "what if I buy one and im actually suicidal?" Just typing it makes me anxious. I'm wanting to start a low dose of Prozac which opens up another can of worms about worried my "overdose thought" will come true, on top of potential side effects. This is long winded but im looking for any advice to get through this. I know others are worse off than me but considering I've never been like this and it only started 6 months ago, I'm really struggling. Thanks everyone.

Ironborn

Date posted: 10w

Existential OCD centered on suicide — has anyone felt this?

Hi everyone, I’m struggling with OCD that’s very existential and focused on suicide. A few days ago I was convinced my life with my family was good and I felt calm and grounded. Then a disturbing shift came over me: a quiet, reflective feeling that felt almost omniscient, like nothing matters anymore and that love and the reasons we live are superficial and have no real value. Since that feeling arrived, my conviction that life is worth living has disappeared. The current state feels more like the ultimate truth because it is so intense and deep. It even feels, and I hold this as a kind of sacred conviction, that what I’m experiencing, feeling, and “knowing” is unique and has never happened to anyone else. When I don’t have this feeling, normal life — living my life and loving my family — doesn’t feel as vivid or important, and that makes my head tell me the normal reality must be fake. I try to draw strength from my love for my wife and children, but the more I think about it the more I get the sense that I don’t truly love them enough or that their love might not be a strong enough reason to stay alive. I’m constantly stuck in my head wondering whether this is depression or some unshakable knowledge or obsession I can’t get rid of. I also get intrusive thoughts that if I ever felt better and no longer had suicidal or depressive impulses, I would just be burying my head in the sand and pretending everything is fine. It feels hyper-important and overshadows other OCD, depression and anxiety worries. Has anyone else experienced existential or suicide-centered OCD like this, especially the sudden omniscient feeling that everything is meaningless and which then feels more real than ordinary life, or the conviction that your experience is totally unique? How do you cope when your love for family feels insufficient because of the obsession? Any strategies, therapies, or ways of thinking that have helped would be really appreciated. Thank you.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Advice on exposure for Suicidal OCD

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community