Got a "what am I doing with my life moment" 20+

Adults only I'm at a very very low point when it comes to this addiction. I feel like I've been escalating to more extreme videos that I would have hated to even look at it I weren't so addicted. I feel ashamed that I used AI videos when escalating and the shame and guilt are really strong. I don't really know what to do other than not be on my phone for the majority of the day and when I'm going to bed. I just feel disgusting about myself. I hate that this has been in my life for over a decade. I remember the times where my life was carefree, I didn't have anxiety, and I was much more relaxed. Now I'm just consumed with unwanted sexual thoughts, urges, and wanting to go back to this stuff time and time again. Everytime I tell myself that I can't keep doing this anymore and that I don't want to, I find myself right back. This stuff gets in the way of my sleep, my goals, and trying to get help for my obsessive compulsive disorder.

truetrev

Date posted: Yesterday

I relate to this 🫶🏻 i hope you dont feel alone cause you are not!

BigGyro09

Date posted: Yesterday

I do feel very isolated, mainly because I don't have anyone I can talk to about this without them feeling a new way about me that's negative. I don't even think talking about it in therapy helps but that's because I just can't get over my compulsive behaviors

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

I have previously had a similar problem. It feels like I've been constantly feeling guilt and shame for the last 5 years because of it. This seems to be an unfortunately common problem for people of our age group. As truetrev has said, you're not alone. I'm willing to listen if you need a space to vent

BigGyro09

Date posted: Yesterday

I'm sort of panicking and full of anxiety right now. Everytime I close my eyes I see the things I've seen and it's messing me up so badly right now. I really don't want to watch it again and this feels so bad that it feels like a nightmare

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@BigGyro09 Yep, same here. Yesterday morning after waking up I had a bad intrusive (semi-false?) memory and it led to a major compulsion. It can be so hard to shake the memories but just as hard to shake the addiction. People always suggest addiction support groups but it can be so hard to admit this sort of thing in the first place

BigGyro09

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I don't know who to turn to. I don't know how to open up to this about my family but I'm so sick and tired of living like this in silence. I'm so tired of keeping this to myself but I just don't want the shame to be out there. I just want to be free of this. I want my life back. I'm just scared right now

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@BigGyro09 After 5 years of this I was able to finally open up to one family member and one close friend about what I'd experienced but I spared most of the details! I was very careful of who I told this information to and thankfully they reacted fairly well. So you need to be careful of who you'd tell anything to Also remember that confessing can be a compulsion! So it may not help you at all if you tell someone

BigGyro09

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I just want to tell my family that I want to be put on medication but I've never talked about porn addiction to them. I don't feel like I have people I can talk to right now

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@BigGyro09 If your therapist has recommended medication, is there a chance you could get them to maybe contact your family about it?

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Sorry, I know it sounds like I'm giving you mixed messages here but really I'm just trying to cover as many possibilities as I can

BigGyro09

Date posted: Yesterday

Thanks for trying though

genicrop09

Date posted: 24w

21+ only

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...

Anonymous

Date posted: 24w

OCD overwhelming thoughts during masterbation

Guys I just wanted to hang up and I was looking at pornography every time I was you know do it and I would get bombarded with thoughts I'd get overwhelmed with them like my mind is just constantly thinking of and it was just so hard infuriating I was looking at like anime pornography and Isaw one of the videos that looks familiar I watched it before but I remember they had like a underage anime character and then I clicked off it as soon as I saw them and my mom said oh you clicked it just so you can see that and what makes it worse is like pretty ejaculation already leaked out so now it feels like I did it i didn't even jerk off to you all I did was see the thumbnail and then I have thoughts like saying oh well might as well already get off to it when it wasnt the content I wanted to see I seen that the thumbnail before in the sight I just ignored it was focusing on the video I wanted to see for now I feel like i have to restart everything not only with the overwhelming thoughts but also my thoughts made it feel like I was actively seeking it like if I want my thought it was like oh you knew it was going to be there but u still click it anyway oh yes I had a feeling but as soon as I saw it I clicked off I don't know I'm just overthinking I guess and also like as soon as I saw it like my mind had a urge like might aswell get off to it finish it very hard I don't even remember how I climaxed I don't even know if I did it right but now I feel like I have to restart

BigGyro09

Date posted: 23w

21+ adults only

Like always, porn has been a problem and I spent the entire night watching it. I feel tons of shame for things I've seen without intending to see, and I feel shame about struggling with it altogether. I kind of feel like crying but not that much. I'm just trying my absolute best to practice acceptance and not judge myself. I'm just trying to see this as a problem that others struggle with as well and not put myself down for it over and over again. I know that doesn't help in the long run, but it's hard not to feel that way.

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