20+ Feel little better than I did few days before

Thank you. Although OCD is focusing on someone that happened when I was browsing adult content that day. I saw a really disturbing thumbnail that looks like a really small person but and I remember immediately clicking off the website. I'm assuming it was just a small woman in a video but my mind is saying that was a child. Really disgusting stuff that makes me feel gross.

@BigGyro09 the last few days mine has been hyper focused on some animated content of characters that i wasn’t sure of the age of but watched anyways. later on i was freaking out and looked it up and it turns out the characters were underage in their original source material (probably ‘aged up’ for the videos but still ew). i feel really disgusted with myself because of it and immediately deleted twitter and the videos i’d bookmarked after realizing it. trust me i know how you’re feeling right now and how hard it is. i feel a little different about my situation but what you’re describing isn’t your fault at all. ocd is twisting it to make you feel that way

@worryywart Do you have a porn addiction as well? I know what you're talking about with animated characters and how they always seem to be present. For me it happens when I'm looking for animated content that has adults in the show but unfortunately there are also kid characters and people have no problem sexualizing them. Not even aging up, which is fucking sick and disgusting to me. Then there's other characters that have multiple ages but are teens. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you.

@BigGyro09 that’s why i initially didn’t want to watch anything animated because i know a lot of people make really sick shit, but for some reason i fell into it again and saw some things that i would never watch if i had known. as for the porn addiction, i’m thinking i might, or at least some sort of issue with hypersexuality of some sort. i wasn’t even aware of it until recently when i realized i was using it as a way to escape because i don’t have much experience in sexual or romantic relationships in general. it extended to written stuff as well which is why i didn’t realize it could be an addiction because i figured it was different. it makes me feel perverted and gross after reading or interacting with that content and i wish i could just erase that part of my life. but its been like this for years, i was probably around 7 or so when i was exposed to this stuff and have some issues surrounding anything sexual because of things that happened early on in my life. whether its real people, animated, or written, i feel like i need to just cut it all out of my life for good.

@worryywart What you've described is something most people on this app and in this generation have described when addicted to porn. And I know exactly how you feel when it comes to fictional content. Sometimes I do just want to look at characters I find attractive but that gives people much more room to make fucked up shit and the amount of times I've been flash banged by content I didn't want to see that either had fictional minors or something really taboo and gross with the character I'm ok with is more than I can remember. I too don't have the much experience with sexuality outside of porn. The majority of it has been a decade long use of porn. If you ask me, it's only an addiction if you feel you cannot quit it when you want to and you have very negative feelings after watching it. I do agree that we just need to cut this stuff out of our lives for good, and there are ways I think we can. Limiting our phone use could be one, telling our therapists (I'm not sure about the specifics because it can be hard to really share that stuff out of fear of judgment on the other side), blockers, and just trying to focus on the big things we want out of life. I think I was first exposed to porn at 10-12. I distinctly remember looking up a porn site as a kid and the word sex in my mind was a very bad word but I also wanted to search it out of curiosity. It wasn't an addiction until I was 13. What you've typed in your comment, I strongly relate to. I do have a lot of sympathy for you and I hope you can kick this out of your life as well along with finding other ways to cope with things.

@worryywart Also when you say you wouldn't watch things if you had known I believe that as well. That's happen to me as well where I've seen fictional characters I did not know and not know the ages of, and sort of looked more than I wanted to until my intrusive thoughts said I shouldn't just in case. It just fucking sucks because I never ever want to see minors in that setting but there's a lot of awful people that don't care about not seeing it and have no limits on what they make.

@BigGyro09 i sympathize with you as well. it’s pretty much impossible for someone to really understand or comprehend that content so young and it really fucks with our brains and i really wish that the negative effects of it were discussed more. it can be legitimately traumatic. it sucks because i feel as if i’ve never had the chance to develop a healthy relationship with sex or my own sexuality because of this, even more so with my other ocd themes. like i feel the need to just be completely celibate forever and to never seek out any relationships at all. i deleted the app that i usually used and have tried to steer clear of writing/reading anything of that nature. i’m not sure how to bring it up to my ocd specialist because he’s a man and i just feel overall embarrassed and uncomfortable about it but i’m hoping i can overcome that as well. i just really want to get better i live in a state where certain pornography websites are already blocked so i’m hoping that will also be good for me to resist the temptation. and truly thank you, i hope the same for you :) it’s really good to know i’m not alone in this. sorry you had to put up with reading all my oversharing though lol

@worryywart I agree. As it stands, gen z is truly the first generation to really experience things like this on such a level that the Internet as at today. I understand that back the in the 80s or 90s people were still being exposed to porn when they were young but it was a lot more difficult and regulated compared to now. I don't want to make it sound like I'm taking away from the affects it had on children in previous generations, I'm just saying that it's never been easier to be exposed to it now. And it hurts so much. I think it is being talked about but it's not on a global scale. There's not like an awareness day for this kind of thing when there should be. And I feel the same way. I'd imagine a lot of young adults like us feel that way when it comes to early porn exposure. We aren't really given an opportunity to learn about this stuff. Then it creates an extremely apparent level of shame for people that have trouble seeing what a healthy sexuality looks like without the guilt, shame, and feelings of disgust porn brings to it. It's terrible. It's because of porn I never ever felt ready to be with someone else in life and it makes me feel seriously behind compared to other people, which is something else I'm always going in my head, which is comparing myself to others. It's because of porn that I think I have little to no confidence in myself, low self esteem, and having a hard time believing in myself in certain areas of my life. I think you should truly tell your therapist how this makes you feel and if you want to go into specifics, even though its hard, you can. I want to do that as well but it's extremely hard. You definitely don't have to apologize for how much you've shared. This is just you being vulnerable to people that understand. And I hope you can do the same with your therapist who can in return truly help you with these things.

@BigGyro09 yes exactly, it’s so much easier to access nowadays. sometimes i think the internet was a mistake or i wish that i hadn’t been born in this time period, but then i remember how hard it would be to live with ocd in those times. so it’s a mixed bag, because i’m at least grateful that the internet has given me tools like this app and other people that understand. i feel very privileged in that regard. i just wish that everything was more regulated as you said. but at the very least we’re trying to get better, some people never bother to do that or don’t have the proper resources. i’ll definitely try with my therapist because i know it’s the only way to hopefully dispel the shame, or at least work through it, im feeling a bit better now but it comes and goes. i think it’s possible for us to build up our confidence and seek out healthy relationships, i really do hope both of us are able to reach that point. i’m glad you’ve felt comfortable enough to share your own experiences with me as well. i truly do wish you the best and am always here for support or encouragement 🫶

@worryywart I'd say the Internet is both the best and worse thing humanity has brought to the world. And we've done a lot in favor of the world and against it. There's a lot of good to be had on the Internet like connecting with others, video games, music, art, streaming services, etc. However, those very same things can bring a detriment to people all over the world. And yeah, I agree with that. We are very conscious of the things we do and sometimes that's not a bad thing. And the best thing we can do is regulate the things we use for ourselves. That way there's a responsibility factor to what it is we're bringing into our lives and trying to keep out. The feelings of improvement come and go for me too. I do think when we tell our therapists everything we can, I think things will get better. I may or may not have asked you this, but are you on medication? I'm planning to start that and I think it's going to really help me out in the future. With that, I think I'll be able to do ERP for the thoughts and fears that my mind sits on. I think you'll be able to do that as well. Yeah it's very easy to open up with others that have OCD and go through these things. Despite it being so difficult for people to understand in general, it's easy for us to really relate to others. And likewise for the support!

@BigGyro09 i’m not currently on medication, but i do want to be, i think i made a post on here asking others about it a while back. when i first started therapy a few years ago during a horrible episode (i didn’t know it was ocd at the time, i was misdiagnosed with gen anxiety and depression) i began taking zoloft and it was horrible for me personally but i think some people with ocd have good results with it if i’m not mistaken. not too long ago i started wellbutrin, my dose went up and down a couple times but i stopped it because the side effects were bad and it just wasn’t working. i haven’t been on any medication for a few months now and it’s been pretty bad so i’m thinking about starting up again, but now that i know it’s ocd i’m not even sure what medication would work but i was hoping to talk to my specialist about it. i also have a fear surrounding medication in general (health ocd related i suppose, plus my family has had issues with medication regarding bad side effects and addiction in the past overall). i do think it would help me quite a bit though, i’m just not sure where to even start with it.

@worryywart I'm terrible sorry to hear that you were misdiagnosed when trying to treat OCD. It can be really difficult to know you have it in the first place. I still remember the day I couldn't figure out why I just kept thinking of the same thoughts throughout the day. There are for sure other SSRIs you can take. The best opinion is your psychiatrist, so that can be something you ask him. My family too is not okay with the side effects of medication either since it scares them. Honestly it scares me too but what other option is there right now? Nothing else has been working and if it has, I will eventually find myself to hit a bad low like I did last week. I'm scared of the side effect that lists increased harmful thoughts for people under 25, but it is a rare side effect. I was told to look out for upset stomaches and headaches mostly. I'm trying to start with telling my mom about medication with the help of my psychiatrists to explain it to them and why I need it. You could try to do the same thing. What side effects did you get for taking Wellbutrin?

@BigGyro09 for me the wellbutrin just suppressed my appetite quite a bit and made me lose weight, which is pretty common with that medication. i already struggled with body image so that sort of made those issues worse, plus i have other health issues that i was worried would be worsened by my lack of appetite. it also made me pretty dizzy often times, and seemed to make my migraines more frequent. psychological it just don’t seem to be working either for my depression or any ocd symptoms so i decided to stop taking it. there’s definitely good and bad to medication in general. it’s usually pretty hard to find one that works and even if it does there’s no guarantee it’ll work later on. it also can just cost quite a bit of money. but once you do find one that works it’s definitely worth it. the side effects are always worrying, but as long as you have a trustworthy doctor or provider for your medication, you should at least have a decent medical support system! my mom has also been personally really helpful when it comes to my medication, since she has a lot of experience with it. plus i know a lot of reactions to meds can be genetic as well so if you have someone in your life like that, it would be really good to ask them about their own experiences. of course it’s not going to be the same for everyone but it does help quite a bit.