NPD

I am wondering if I am a narcissist. Last time I checked, I fit the criteria of a covert narcissist. I know many say that if I am even worried about it and self-reflecting, then I am possibly not. But what if I am? What if I am a self-aware narcissist? Idk I want therapy in that case. When I think about my past, I thought my behavior was okay. Over the years, I am less of a control freak now, I am more empathetic and I look down on people less. I realized people are actually cool and being friendly is such a nice feeling. Not because I get something from them but because we genuinely have such a good time together. However, I still sometimes daydream too mich about being beautiful, smart and successful. But I don’t want to use other people to get there. Or to feel better about myself. I know I am bad at some stuff. I actually laugh at it. I do gaslight people sometimes, especially when I want to win an argument. Idk why I see arguments as I have to prove I am right. I want to be as fair as possible. I was very mean and judgmental in the oast, and I am honestly happy I got over that. I try to be more empathetic and I think I an doing a good job. I want to be nice to others and do stuff for them and I dont expect anything in return or if I do I am telling myself I shouldnt, this is not right. I opened up to my sisters about it and she said that if she saw me being toxic, she would tell me. And that I shouldn’t be self-diagnosing myself. My friends say I am not a narcissist but then I try to explain what goes over in my head and like explain why they might be actually wrong about this because I really fit the criteria. This was my fear at least twice, it went away but it cane back again and idk this time instead of trying to fight it with tests I am just thinking here maybe it is true. Idk I was at least narcissistic in the past and I really don’t like it. People have shown me I can be myself, and being actually friendly and nice to everyone is so nice. I feel like my classmates taught me so mich on how not to be judgmental and just be okay. Be healthy. I apologized to my friend because in the past I was so judgmental she actually felt she couldn’t tell me anything. I feel bad with that. But I would orefer if she had said something although at that time I was receiving the criticism quite badly. At some point I just decided that no, I have to stop and I did. I take the criticism with more maturity now. What I don’t like it that right now I am not feeling scared of that, no panic no nothing. Idk if this is me internally knowing I am a covert narcissist but I am being self-aware or have I become numb? Idk I think I am not the worst person on earth, but like can I be good if I am a narcissist? Where can I get help. Do you think a school psychologist might? I think I am writing this because I am looking for reassurance and honestly idk.

maaria

Date posted: 17h

Lowkey I read about covert narcissism again and like I kind of fit but I dont. I may just have tendencies?

Just trying ...

Date posted: 16h

Hi there. First of all narcissism is a spectrum and everyone can have some narcissistic traits. There are lots of other personality disorders such as borderline that can have these traits but they are not narcissism. It sounds like some of what you went through may be due to immaturity that you grew out of this is very normal. Personally the individual in my life who i suspect is a true narcissist would never be worried about being one. They are always the victim and never take responsibility. It seems you are capable of taking responsibility and reflecting on your actions and therefore I don’t think you have npd. We are all human and all make mistakes that doesn’t necessarily mean anything more than that.

NatSwai

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14h

I’ve had this obsession a time or two and fell down the exact same rabbit hole of compulsively reading symptom lists without the ability to gain enough detail to be certain about whether or not I fit the diagnosis. It doesn’t help. Trust your therapist if you have one and if you don’t definitely consider it. They are amazing. Everyone deserves compassion and grace

maaria

Date posted: 9h

Thank you for your answers but Idk why I cant stop thinking I am a covert narcissist. Like what if I am just self-aware? Tbh I actually thought I can be one as long as I don’t hurt others but honestly I would be living then in constant hate towards the others either way even if I don’t actively openly hurt them. I don’t know why but I am not scared? I am not panicking? Why am I just accepting this is true? What scared me a lot in the past when I was thinking of this too was reading about people who really sounded like narcissists/were narcissists and I noticed some similarities but idk the whole time I knew that those actions are wrong. They didn’t feel completely right, you know although I want to say I understand because I did something similar in the past? But it feels honestly wrong to say that, because why am I ubderstanding? I shouldn’t be?

maaria

Date posted: 8h

And I daysream a lot about success and if happens often that I am the ”victim” of something (bad luck or love) and idk I then bouncr back, and I try not to stay in victimhood. It doesnt really happen in real life because why would I want to be a victim but in my daydreams I often am.

Imsexybutimi...

Date posted: 22w

Do I have ocd

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help

Summ3r_

Date posted: 18w

ocd and being a covert narcissist

I’ve had off and on fears and thoughts of being a narcissist but at this point it doesn’t feel like a fear anymore it feels true and it feels like it all makes sense the more I learn about narcissism. I’ve even put the label on myself and have been monitoring all my social interacts and motivations. I don’t know if telling myself I’m a narcissist causes me to act more narcissistic either. I have some specific examples and factors to talk about that might be too long to post, so if I can talk about them to anyone on here I’d appreciate it 😭🙏

Summ3r_

Date posted: 17w

intense feelings and narcissism ocd

Recently I’ve been getting these very intense episodes of feeling extremely annoyed, irritable and touchy. I start to think narcissistic thoughts like feeling extremely entitled, envious of others and just overall snotty and rude but also horrible about myself. I take everything personal in these moments even though I know it’s stupid to do so. with harm ocd it also makes it 10x worse because they urges are worsened by the anger and intense emotions and sometimes I feel like just crying or this deep pit in my stomach of fear and dispare about the future like where am I heading and who am I becoming? I’ve excessively been on Gemini asking about covert narcissism, because my family disagrees with the idea of me being a narcissist along with my therapist but I just can’t let it go because I actually genuinely believe it. When I want to make things right it feels so self centered and I don’t know the right way to genuinely care about others. Maybe I already do?? I can’t tell if this is all just anger, intense fear and overwhelm, from med changes (went from lexapro to buspar) or processing grief (grandpa died in February) but sometimes I feel even worse because in my head I believe the grief only effects me and I need total attention and care 24/7. and start wondering if this is a subconscious way of thinking for me that I just assume is ocd and anxiety. I feel so tense and when I get in these moments I feel like I’m about to combust, I dissociate, feel like sobbing, isolating, or yelling but can’t tell if it’s all caused from an “ego blow” or something that someone did that made me feel bad about myself and that’s why I feel such high self pity. idk anymore but this feeling is terrifying especially the more I believe I’m a narcissist everything is evidence. I even start wondering what if this is rage, or hatred or resentment? like deep down dark feelings?

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