mberri

Date posted: 18h

I'm so scared

I'm feeling so hopeless because of my OCD right now. It is making me not enjoy music which is one of the most important things in my life. Why does OCD have to take away the things that are most important to me. I've never been so scared. I will talk to my therapist Tuesday but I feel so alone because even though she is an OCD specialist no one can ever truly understand the pain I'm in and how scary this is for me. I was doing skills this morning but a huge wave of fear and panic has overcome me. It is making me hate my life and it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

#happiness

Date posted: 17h

You got this! OCD is a liar!

mberri

Date posted: 17h

@#happiness Thank you. I'm feeling a little better. But wow was I feeling just horrible. I don't want to believe OCD's lies anymore.

Boundaries

Date posted: 17h

Not true that no one can understand. We do and she does because it happens to us all. It’s a trick to make us feel alone

mberri

Date posted: 17h

@Boundaries I know, I know logically this is true. I do believe people here understand. I guess my brain says well I don't know anyone with this exact particular thought so I must just be going crazy. I hope that soon I will realize my brain/OCD is just playing tricks on me. I'm feeling a little better after a cry. Going to do some self care now.

mberri

Date posted: 17h

@Boundaries And thank you so much for your response.

Boundaries

Date posted: 17h

@mberri Of course! I think that’s part of the lie that no one else has this thought. But the truth is it doesn’t even matter what the thought is it’s all just garbage from OCD. So boring

mberri

Date posted: 17h

@Boundaries That a good point. I like the idea of saying it's just boring garbage from OCD. I hope I can reach that level of not caring what OCD says. I just I just have to keep fighting. I just get so tired though.

Boundaries

Date posted: 17h

@mberri Me too, I haven’t reached that level either but we can support each other

mberri

Date posted: 17h

@Boundaries The support on here is helpful. We are all on this journey together. Wishing you all the best.

lolafalanocd

Date posted: 13h

Whenever I start enjoying something new, like a new hobby, or a new video game, or a new tv show, these are things that are all really important to me. I feel as if my OCD acts up more whenever I start really enjoying something, and it tries to prevent me from doing these things. It is so exhausting and I understand completely where you come from because it has latched onto music before, and still does somewhat. I find it so debilitating how it latches onto things that are supposed to be the things you enjoy, and should feel no stress while doing, but instead something that’s supposed to be an escape method just turns into stress. It gets to the point where it almost feels like i’m more free from OCD doing things that I don’t like, like going to school. This isn’t really a reply to offer you advice, but more just to say that I understand you.

mberri

Date posted: 13h

@lolafalanocd Thank you so much for your reply, it really helps to know I'm not alone. I know exactly what you mean about being more free from OCD when doing things you don't like. I feel like that right now with music - if I don't listen to it I'm not over analyzing whether I'm enjoying it or not. But I'm still having worries about it when I'm not listening to music. My therapist said I should continue to interact with music like I normally would, since avoiding it or checking my experience of it would be a compulsion, but wow is it so much easier said than done. And yeah this feeling of "am I enjoying it" is creeping into other things like TV or YouTube videos as well. It's hard.

lolafalanocd

Date posted: 13h

@mberri Yeah it sucks but fighting through it is better than giving in, because really if you gave in you’d just be letting it take music away from you.

mberri

Date posted: 13h

@lolafalanocd True. I won't let that happen. OCD has taken enough from me already I won't let it take away the things I love.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 24w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

religious OCD

Please help. I have felt so off/wrong all day. I constantly worry that the “bad guy” is going to get me. I have awful thoughts and I constantly want God to know that I don’t mean these thoughts. I am at a point in my therapy where I need to choose to use my ERP but it feels too scary. I then do compulsions, which makes the OCD worse, which makes me want to use ERP less. And the cycle goes on. I am currently sitting in my car crying because I feel so lost and exhausted. I’m not supposed to figure out my thoughts, but today I just went into a spiral of sadness and depression, thinking that I will always feel like this. When my thoughts got really bad at the end of the day, I tried to use ERP even though I was shaking and not believing my responses and I ended up feeling like I missed something and that I gave into the “bad guy.” I have no one to talk when I’m not doing therapy twice a week. I am alone and have no one to talk to when I am like this… please help

hestia

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21w

I Need Help

I’m trying to do ERP therapy, but I keep thinking my subtype of ocd is the worst there ever is. I tried going on a walk tonight and the adrenaline in my body along with the shakes and the burning in my chest got so overwhelming. I felt like I was just about to lay down in the gutter along the sidewalk. I’m not trying to be super negative. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If it’s not one thing it’s another and I just wanna cry so bad and I want it to go away but it won’t I almost feel like I have to call a crisis line or something even right now while I’m writing this I’m crying so bad. I can’t enjoy a single thing. I joined a support group tonight, but I just feel like I feel so bad for everyone because of how awful it is. I know what I’m writing right now doesn’t make a lot of sense but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to quit ERP therapy so bad cause I don’t think it’s gonna ever help. if anyone has any advice or suggestions, that would be greatly appreciated.

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