Self esteem is hard 20+ only

I guess that's also part of the worst thing about OCD: That urge to feel like you need to tell someone about something that happened, especially when it eats away at you. I feel like I need to tell at least one person 100% of my history with porn and only then I feel I would have full clarity and peace, which I know isn't what would happen. I think if I were to do that it would go away but come back and it would probably tell me something like "Well maybe you need to tell another person that you think really would be disappointed in you for this in the exact same way." I think this is also just someone my obsessive thoughts are latching onto. My worst themes are focused on real events and POCD. Another thing is I feel that if I do find myself moving on from this naturally and not falling back into it for a long time, I'll start to feel like I'm not a good person for doing that and that it's selfish. Almost like I have to worry about it to "keep myself in check" and to reinforce that feeling of worrying as "I feel bad about this so it's right to worry about it, but not move on". I don't know. It's just really hard right now but I know that the best thing I can do is just sit through the uncomfortable feelings and get past them. That's what I'm trying to do in general now: Look for ways to just tolerate those feelings. Thank you for your comment. And I didn't forget about the post you wrote about how your OCD and how your past memories are bothering you a lot. I think you don't deserve that and you should be free of those things. It's easy for me to give that courtesy to other people than it is for myself, which I wouldn't be surprised if that were connected to OCD in some way.

I've also seen the very helpful comments that several people have left on your post! I'm very glad that you've gotten such helpful feedback through reaching out! Just reading it has helped me as well. :)

@BigGyro09 i struggle with the exact same themes, especially really hard right now. what you described about “keeping yourself in check” is exactly how it feels all the time. like as soon as you stop feeling bad, it means you’re not really upset about your thoughts/actions so it must mean you like them or you’re not really a “better person” now. it’s exhausting but it’s just another way ocd tricks you into a constant loop of shame. i’m not sure how to break free from this yet because i’m still going through it heavy right now, but know that’s just ocd trying to keep you down. and as for telling people 100% of your past, i feel that way too, despite knowing ocd will never be satisfied and will always bring up something else that i’m “obligated” to tell someone. i’ve felt this even with my therapists. the only way i’ve really combatted this is by writing it down when i feel the need to confess and trying to expel the thoughts from my mind for at least a bit. and then just reminding yourself that even those thoughts are another way that ocd is spinning the cycle of self doubt over and over. even if you feel that yours is “different” because it’s based on your morals, something taboo, or something that actually happened.

@BigGyro09 and reaching out has definitely helped me quite a bit! it’s really great to have a community and know you’re not alone no matter how isolated you might feel.

@worryywart Exactly!! You described it to a tee. It's essentially worrying about the fact that you're not worrying and that's what they call the backdoor spike. This I feel like is what keeps OCD in check and it holds us back from really moving past it completely. The shame if the worst part about all of this because it convinces you over and over that you really can't move on from this and this is the thing you need to be ruminating on non-stop. In my case, it feels justified because what I'm worrying about is something that I feel is not within my morality but at the same time I can't keep blaming myself again and again for being exposed to this stuff at such a young age. I only do it because I think since no one else was responsible, that makes me responsible, which I know is flawed.

@worryywart You said it. This community is really powerful and it's helped me so much for so many years. I don't know what I would do without it.

@BigGyro09 i’d seen a lot of people mention the backdoor spike and never had a clue what it actually was! it makes so much sense now though. and i have similar fears because there are some things that i have done that i genuinely do feel really horrible about and are completely against my morals and i feel once i “move on” that they’ll somehow come back again to haunt me. it’s good to know there’s an actual name for it though because it made me doubt if it was even ocd. and definitely all you can do is move on and stop giving so much energy to these thoughts, which is way easier said than done. but you’re right you can’t blame yourself for being exposed to certain things when you couldn’t understand them, and those things still negatively impacting you today. the past is out of your control but what is in your control is how you react to those thoughts and memories now, and how you’ve learned from the past.

@worryywart Yep, there's a name for it and it's all part of OCD. Something else that I feel when I start to feel better if I sort of begin to doubt that I even have OCD in the first place. Or I get skeptical of how the feelings of improvement and not consistent anxiety isn't normal and should be the opposite. Very draining. When you say that the thoughts will "come back again to haunt me" I seriously relate to that so much. That's a big part of why I feel this is impossible to move on from and I'm stuck with this. I think it won't last forever though. The only reason as to why I worry about it so much is because this addiction is still a problem for me and has been for years. You're right, I can't control what's already happened as much as I wish I could, I can only learn from those things. Honestly, I still don't feel like I have all of this figured out many years later but I'm trying to figure it out through boundaries.

@BigGyro09 it’s good to know that it’s all just more ocd crap and not indicative of me “faking” ocd or proof of my fears, i was literally just freaking out about that last night. it’s scary how convincing ocd can be sometimes. like any time i have an intrusive thought or physical reaction and i don’t freak the hell out it makes me feel like i must actually enjoy them. ugh it’s like torture but i know that realistically not having a reaction to the thoughts is what we want because it shows you’re recovering. it’s especially scary when you’re thinking about possible moral/legal repercussions as worst case scenarios because it feels like you absolutely need to constantly worry about it or remind yourself. i think getting past these worries is absolutely possible! i’ve only recently been diagnosed so i’m hoping that one day i wont have the same fears that i do constantly now. i know when i was young i had a lot of harm/magical thinking ocd before i even knew what it was that nowadays doesn’t bother me as much (mostly because i’ve moved on to other themes that feel way more serious and convincing). but i also remind myself that even when i was a child dealing with these thoughts and compulsions, i was able to handle them without even understanding what they were. i just thought they were “weird” and was mostly able to ignore them or brush them off as nonsensical. now it feels foreign for me to do that all because i’ve assigned so much meaning to these thoughts and fears. which is really just another compulsion. if little me could get through that then i can definitely survive even the worst flare ups and episodes now with the knowledge i have of what all of this really is and how to combat it. i don’t know if it’s been a similar experience for you but there’s a time in our lives where we don’t have it “figured out”. i feel like that’s what living is all about, especially since we’re so young, and ocd is just another part of the puzzle for us that makes it a bit more difficult. just something we have to navigate through life with without letting it define us or take over our lives completely. and hopefully in a few years both of us won’t feel the need to give any energy to those thoughts.

@worryywart YES. There are times where I get the worst thoughts imaginable and I physically react to them at times. But there are also times where I don't react to them much and I feel like I have to because if I don't then I get a thought saying I like the thought. And this worst case scenarios hit home for me which is no thanks to, you guessed it, my addiction, and something that happened while I was in college. Congratulations on your diagnosis! That means you've taken the steps to get to this point and it will only get better from here in the long run. Through I'm so terribly sorry that you've dealt with this since you were a child. Sometimes I think that I may have had some ticks or stims that could've been OCD, but I don't think I fully on had it. You're immensely strong for being able to deal with that and identify them as something unique and not apart of you at such a young age. You can absolutely do that again now. I think now I'm having that period of not having it all figured out but I don't think we ever do. We just think we do for the time being. However, a part of that is just trying a bunch of different things that do and don't work out, which for me is where my OCD really kicks in.

For me, since I feel I have such a misunderstanding about healthy romance and love, watching something like that wouldn't be a bad thing, but it would definitely bring up those negative feelings that I have about the things I've seen in the past. It does happen, but I can also smile at a nice romance scene I've connected with the characters through watching for a long time.

I've told my closest friends about it, but that's as far as it goes for telling people the specifics of the things I've seen, I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that. I recall the majority of things the I've seen as a teenager and the things I've seen now and they bother me a lot. I'm can't get the thoughts of it all out of my head and that's what gets me to sort of lose sleep at night. I don't really know what to do about it aside from just not watching any of it. That's been working, but it hasn't gotten rid of those painful memories