so i have been with my boyfriend for three months and i love him so much. i have never once questioned my love for him in fact my friends are so tired of me going on about how much i do love him. however, these past couple of days for some strange reason, my brain keeps trying to convince me that i’m not attracted to him or that i’m falling out of love with him. it started when i didn’t get wet for the first time during sex with him because i was having panic attacks all week about this topic (and also the irrational fear that i was somehow a lesbian even though i know now that that isn’t true) and after sex, i started going “what if i never get wet during sex with him again and my relationship is a lie” and somehow tried telling my self that i needed to break up with him. although there is absolutely not evidence to support that i don’t love him anymore, my mind keeps trying to tell me that it’s a possibility. to add to that, the last time i saw him and said goodbye to him, i felt like i wasn’t “sad enough” about leaving him since i had been more upset about it before. and somehow my brain thinks that’s evidence for me not loving him. everytime i think about our relationship or reminisce on it, i become very emotional and i start crying and the crying gets worse when i think about leaving him or losing him. so, clearly my heart knows that i love him dearly but my brain keeps having these thoughts and i really do feel hopeless.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

oh and i also forgot to mention that, whenever i cry, i take that as validation of “yeah i do love him and i am afraid of losing him”, so, whenever i don’t cry i start panicking going “why am i not crying? am i okay with losing him?” it’s so strange. it’s like my anxiety goes away when i cry but right after it’s done, it’s the same overthinking and recurring thoughts as before. it’s an endless cycle.

elleeen

Date posted: 5y

Same girl, its hard. Its just ocd trying to «protect» us from danger. Its hard

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

it sucks so bad

elleeen

Date posted: 5y

@zoya Yes. I feel guilty all the time. But i just accept all the thoughts and feelings. Sometimes my bf feels like a stranger because of the thoughts and feelings. its just the ocd, but its hard to remember that.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

@elleeen i try to remind my self of that. that it’s just my brain making up all these irrational thoughts and that deep down i know how i feel

elleeen

Date posted: 5y

@zoya Thats good! I wish u the best luck? Deep down we know what is right.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

@elleeen thank u my love :)) same to you!

AbbeyGrace

Date posted: 5y

It sounds to me like you really do love him and your OCD is making you second guess yourself. I think if you love him you should stop listening to the OCD voice and go after him with everything you’ve got.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

that’s what all my friends have said too! and deep down i know that it’s true but it’s just the constant what ifs. i’ve begun to overanalyze eveyrhing about our relationship that i never even paid attention to before

BelieveInYou...

Date posted: 5y

It's okay. OCD is all based on these illusions, your heart knows that you love him dearly. You don't need to think about the situations that you aren't sure about. Remember all the special times too that you spent with him! ?

OCDnewbie

Date posted: 5y

Oh my gosh! This is me-at the 8 month mark. I have periods where I know for sure he’s who I want to be with, but I have had the lesbian thoughts too-knowing deep down they aren’t true! It’s so tough. I’ve told him about it, and he tries to understand but it must be hard to hear that that’s even a question in my mind. I need strategies! It’s driving me crazy!!

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