Gender expression (new theme for me)

Well, not entirely new. I am a gay, cisgender male. About 10 years ago, I struggled with the OCD fear that I was trans, but I recovered from that. I’ve had many other themes both before and after, (perfectionism, SO-OCD, POCD, and so on). Last Monday, after wondering if I made a mistake cutting the blonde highlights out of my hair and letting it go back to natural brown, I wondered if I wasn’t expressing myself authentically. (Authenticity is very important to me.) That quickly turned into questions like: am I just dressing heteronormative because I’m too afraid of the backlash for dressing more androgynous? I had never wanted to paint my nails, wear heels, skirts etc., but now, in a matter of a week, it feels like I do and that I’m living a lie. Idk what to do—for the last ten years of my life, I have felt very comfortable and content in my identity, and that has felt amazing. I am a huge Lady Gaga fan, and I’m obsessed with all her wigs and outfits, but for the last ten years (and after dealing with the trans theme), I’ve never wanted to wear them myself. But now I’m afraid I’ve just been suppressing the fact that I do—and that if I don’t dress like that (or paint my nails/wear makeup), I’m dressing boring and living a lie. :(

Newerthannewb82

Date posted: 7h

I'm a straight cisgender male but I've done guyliner and nailpolish. I've got flowers on my trousers rn. Clothes are clothes. There are people without them and I wouldn't let anyone else tell you what to wear or who you are. You can be anything you want to be. There are no rules.

Newerthannewb82

Date posted: 7h

I've also been guilty of wearing girls hats and sunglasses. Stuff that I could get away with tbf. Nothing too overly girly but the colours were better and I liked colourful clothes at the time. I don't think purple, yellow or lighter shades of blue are gay and Kurt Cobain rocked Jackie O sunglasses and he was totally straight, married the lot. Challenging gender roles has historically been done by all the sexes and genders. The hippies wore flowers without being at all gay or trans. Tracksuits with rainbow piping were also very en vogue for straight people in the 70s.

FuckOCD

Date posted: 7h

@Newerthannewb82 Totally get that and am all for it, my case just seems like more of an (OCD) urge to do something that’s not actually me *because* it’s not me. I appreciate your comments :)

Newerthannewb82

Date posted: 7h

And I have my hands and feet decorated with henna rn. Not because I am gay but because it was therapeutic to have the lady do it. I stopped worrying and I stopped caring. If I feel bothered by it I make myself do it. Women are wowed by androgynous males sometimes. That is my view on it all.

Newerthannewb82

Date posted: 7h

@FuckOCD Me too bro, me too.

JayKing030

Date posted: 5h

I understand where you’re coming from, I struggle with it too. Especially being bio female and being nonbinary. I worry about being too feminine or too masculine. Sometimes, we have to try things to see if we like it. Maybe try those things you mentioned at the end, try eyeliner, nail polish, maybe even a skirt. See if you like it! And if you don’t? That’s okay too! It doesn’t make you less on who you are. Or being bio male. How you present out the outside is your self. What you feel good in, what makes you look in the mirror and say “that’s me”. I felt like I dressed too boring until a few months ago when I spiced it up with jewelry, hair clips, different shoes, etc. Hell to anyone who makes assumptions, I worry about them too. And guess what? If you think you’re trans, genuinely? That’s okay too. You’re you and that’s all that matters.

strawberryjell

Date posted: 3h

I say wear what u want and try those different outfits or thing maybe it will help u figure out which one is u or u like the most I bet it would look awesome! I get dealing with the theme made u feel u don’t want to wear them but I think if u want to u still can because u can do what u want and wear what u want so if u wanna wear the wigs or outfits like lady Gaga then wear it but if u don’t feel it’s u then u don’t have to because u can wear what u want and do what u want. U are u and who u wanna be is completely up to u. Ur amazing!! Don’t stop being yourself

Dreamydream

Date posted: 24w

TOCD

Is it normal for this theme to legit make you feel like you’re the opposite gender and that’s what you want to be and it’s very convincing? And you just keep getting images and scenarios in ur head of you transitioning and actually going through with it? This is sooo scary and i don’t feel like myself at all anymore. It’s making me not feel like a woman or myself of how I’ve always been my whole life. I’m really nervous and scared, it’s really make me feel like this is my true feelings/ self ): it’s causing me to feel weird k. My own body and feel weird about my body parts. Like my brain is literally thinking as a trans person would feel or think like wtf??? Is this normal?!? Pls someone let me know. & and it’s making me feel like I’m attracted to woman all the sudden and i keep getting flashes of that in my head. I’m in a relationship and im scared this is gonna ruin things bc the way this theme is making me feel and my body. Ugh ihml, need some advice. Has anyone experienced exactly this??

ryan_12

Date posted: 17w

What is this ?

Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.

LiaExe28

Date posted: 14w

Anxious - long post

Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.

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Gender expression (new theme for me)

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