Negative inner voice and self comparisons

Yeah the neurodiversity thing is something that surprised me when it came to OCD. It just means our minds work differently from the average mind, which I think has its pros and cons. I've realized that very specific, niche things catch my interest on a high level. Whether it's a sound or a specific part of a song. I don't know if other people have that commonly, but I've noticed that about myself. Me having interests that were different from the norm I think is primarily where my low self esteem comes from. It feels like I'm always on guard when it comes to potentially taking something someone says personally. Not that school was always hard for me, only high school was. There were some bad apples but for a lot of it, things were alright before and after the bad times of high school

@BigGyro09 oh for sure, my high school experience was absolutely terrible. i mean i was able to make some friends but that’s only because they were just as odd as i was, which i think is the key to connecting with people. and i’ve always had the same thing with having really specific hyperfixations, especially with the specific parts of a song lol, that’s really common with neurodivergent people i believe. i do it with movies or shows as well. i was always an anime/horror nerd and got made fun of for it for a while, but there’s also so many other people out there that are the same way. it sucks how our experiences when we’re young really deter us from living life to the fullest as adults out of fear of being judged. i think with the niche interests thing, at least there are communities online or irl that you can get involved in. that might be a good step in building your confidence as well, by finding people you have things in common with. i’m not sure if you’re in college or not but campuses are good places to find those communities/groups. some people might think of your interests as weird but there’s definitely loads of people out there with the exact same ones as you. even the most niche things have fandoms out there!

@worryywart I wouldn't say they were odd. I just think everybody has a way to click with others and it's what makes us different. That can be really hard to figure out at a time like high school but I'm glad we did figure it out eventually. It does really feel cool to connect with others with niche interests when it happens though. It's like a feeling of "I feel like I'm the only person in the world that likes this thing" but when you find someone else that likes it as much as you do, that's really awesome. My most common highest fixations are sounds from video games that I can recall in my head and for some reason they just give off a lot of emotion for my, mainly nostalgia. The fear of being judged is very real and it's why I'm not that confident with things I want to personally share. It's hard to get passed that and then when I feel like I am judged for something that personal, I can't help but take it personally and it's like my mind tries so hard to protect me from that by reminding me of how much I shouldn't share. The communities are what I did a lot back in high school! I don't really do it as much now because I do get skeptical of online spaces.

@BigGyro09 i get the video game thing! i would get hyper fixated on specific video games and their soundtracks specifically when i was younger, i guess it just scratches some kind of itch in the brain. i had a whole year where i would basically only listen to the fallout soundtracks lmao. it’s interesting how different those things can be for people but it’s definitely common. and that’s fair about online spaces, they can be so scary. i’ve been trying to make online friends since i’m basically a hermit and even in college i haven’t joined groups or anything, but even that feels weird for me cause you really never know who’s behind accounts and whatnot. i guess it’s just what you’re personally comfortable with and setting boundaries. there’s safe ones out there for sure but it can be scary, i’m trying to use it as a way to ease into socializing but i also feel so weird and awkward asking to befriend people, even on this app asking about support groups and such. it sucks that you’ve been judged for your interests, people can be really shitty :/ my parents always told me that the sort of people who would judge you for things like that aren’t the types of people you want to associate yourself with anyways, and i think that helped me quite a bit. but don’t let that stop you from opening up to people, because you’ll miss out on so many people that just might be into the same things or become interested if they hear about it from you. the right people are definitely out there :))

@worryywart I have a whole list of downloaded songs from video games that I always keep with me to listen to. Whether it's specific parts on loop or the entire song, or just playing with the songs in an audio editor, that is what scratches that itch as you said. It's cool how we have that in common. I haven't tried too much with clubs in college, only one. I did make some friends there and they are great and it's gone a long way, but I haven't had the time to really enjoy that outside of my focus on grades and OCD. I too can't help but be a homebody. I just love to be home more than I do outside. I think the awkwardness behind wanting to be friend people could just be a protective barrier in your mind to refrain from doing that so you avoid rejection. At least, it's that way for me. Your parents are absolutely right and I'm slowly coming to that conclusion as well. The reality is, we can't help what we like and we may as well pick and choose the people that are like minded with us. Sure it is possible to talk with others that are more like acquiantances than friends, but those deeper connections matter a bit more in my opinion. I do appreciate your messages!

@BigGyro09 And by the way, there's one Fallout song that lives in my head called Tranquility Lane

@BigGyro09 i have a playlist like that too, or just playlists of songs that i really like that kinda calm me down. in a weird way its sort of like a positive sensory thing, almost. it’s definitely a protection from potential rejection, especially if you’ve experienced it before. it sucks that you have to do that but i think it can be both a good and a bad thing. some people don’t always have good intentions so having experienced that, i think we can recognize it easier than if we hadn’t been through those situations as kids. it’s also just a shitty thing to go through though. i’ve got a few friends that i have really deep connections with and have known for years, but with ocd sometimes i feel like i struggle opening up or feeling 100% “safe” to share my experiences with them if that makes sense. like i would never tell them certain things about my past or what comes with ocd, but then again most people probably never go into those details with their loved ones. i guess i just wish i had that one person in real life to open up to that would really understand. i have it on this app to an extent but it’d be nice to have it in real life too. your messages have also been really helpful for me, it’s been nice to feel like i’m not so alone :)

@BigGyro09 oh wow this just unlocked a major memory for me, i was absolutely obsessed with fallout 3 & new vegas as a kid but i never finished them unfortunately, i might have to go back and do that now. my favorite song was always i don’t want to set the world on fire, plus the fallout 4 theme song. there was also a recent period of time where i would almost exclusively watch those iceberg lore videos on my niche interests but especially fallout! i think i was just really into the whole apocalyptic thing in general