I feel like I hate myself 20+ only

I feel like it's very shameful and wrong because that's how I grew up on the views of sex and sexuality. It was never a thing of discussion for me. Feels like fetishization makes it worse and more gross

@BigGyro09 I understand. I’ve been in a similar situation, well, actually right now! It’s so easy for us to tell each other to feel better/get better. But my therapist told me this is just a wave we’re in and you gotta ride it. It’s scary but you’re so much stronger than you think. It’s gonna be okay

@gabzilla I know the post says 20+ only but are you an adult? I hope so because I don't want a POCD flare up. I would hate to talk to any minors about this unknowingly. And yeah it is easier to tell others what they need to hear but not ourselves

@BigGyro09 Yep! I’m 23, don’t worry. If it’s any consultation I’m in a similar flare up. Just know that’s there’s always another side! I just keep telling myself that these things don’t last forever. And it can’t. I recommend being easy on yourself and eating well, shower, do your basics.

@gabzilla Oh, okay. I wasn't expecting us to be the same age, haha. Are you going through similar things I posted about? I do agree that these don't last forever but it's been lasting a really long time for me. It's been 10 years since I was struggling with porn and 5 years for OCD. It gets so bad that I neglect my self care pretty badly because of the already existing anxiety

I feel like I'm close to getting the help I need but I also feel really terrified about it because I'm just worried something will go wrong. Meds not working, and while being addicted to them is one fear I recently just looked up that you can't get addicted, but dependant on SSRIs which I don't think I have a problem with, and of course the side effects. Mainly the rare ones. I was only about 11 when I saw it for the first time but when I was 13 it became something I saw regularly and I recall seeing some very messed up things what I know aren't okay. At the time I just didn't think anything of it. I sometimes think to myself that I could have known better but even at the age of 23, there was a lot I didn't know about sex and sexuality. Taking that, and then putting that same level of knowledge in a 13 year old helps me see that I'm just a victim. And yeah, I do consider it to be very traumatic. It will messes with me to this day. I'm very sorry to hear about your hoarding concerns. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that. It's something you can absolutely work towards and I don't judge you for that or the other things you worry about that you have told me. The worse my anxiety is, the worse my relapses are. That's typically how it all works. The shame is confusing because I feel like I do enjoy it but I don't because it feels like a hijacking of my mind. Thanks for your comment and you should give yourself grace and compassion for your struggles and opening up about them.

@BigGyro09 11 is so young and you couldn’t have possibly understood that sort of stuff in a healthy way at the time. and considering the face that this has been a struggle for you for a decade, everything you’re saying makes total sense. compulsive sexual behavior is a very real thing and i think this would probably fall under that umbrella. i think working through that trauma from when you were so young and getting down to the root of it all would also probably help you quite a bit. i’ve also come to realize that ocd can also produce really physical and sensory feelings as well and they can really mess with your head, particularly with sexual or other taboo themes. if it causes so much shame and you have doubt surrounding it, it’s more likely that it is a hijacking of your mind as you said. i think society (especially american society and online culture) can also be so regressive and misinformed about sexuality in general as well and so many people are very very sheltered even well into their adulthood. also feeling afraid that something might go wrong when seeking help is totally understandable and valid BUT it’s also another sneaky ocd trick. the best you can do is just say to yourself that you won’t know until you try. even if you “fail” or something goes wrong, at least you tried. and thank you, i’m trying to be more understanding with myself. i really hope you’re able to do the same as well <3

@worryywart I knew absolutely nothing about sexual education back then. I was still just a kid but I just knew of the word sex and I always thought of it as a negative connotation. It was never positive, it was something that wasn't to be talked about. In high school, I learned fuck all about sex education. All I remember is them talking about the depiction on a banana, which I'm assuming was for condoms, and then the conversation was moved to safety behind the wheel. When it was all happening I didn't process it as traumatic at all but looking back it definitely was and still is. OCD for sure plays a role in exaggerating how the already bad feelings feel. They could feel bad, but OCD can make them feel like the end of the world is in ten minutes. There are a LOT of us from Gen z that have been exposed to pornography on average 13 years of age. Some unfortunately way too young and some a little older. The fact of the matter is, this stuff comes up before we're even ready to learn about these kind of things. It's only getting so much worse today with AI and social media apps not even trying to hide sexual content that people can easily run into without the moderation of a trusted adult. Children these days in my opinion shouldn't even HAVE mobile devices. It could even be OCD holding me back from speaking out about medication. Who knows. I wouldn't be surprises if that was the case. It can be easy to forget how my struggles are the way they are, but I do understand them. Thanks so much. :)

I'm sorry that you've also seen very inappropriate things at such a young age. It just seems like something that happens to was too many people in this generation and after. I understand the feelings of shame and disgust, as I'm going through that right now. On the other side I feel like this isn't really me and it's just compulsive use from trauma from early exposure that I really want to break free from. I too deal with a lot of that shame and IDK how long it will take for that to go away. It's gotten to a point where I'm only watching pretty extreme things and the thing I posted about. It makes me feel like a creepy person. I'm so happy to hear that your father had a change in perspective! That's very accepting and wholesome to hear. The fear is simply from the unpredictability of the SSRIs and I understand that would worry people like our parents that may not understand everything about medication and what it can do for people. Also for the record, I looked up if you could get addicted to SSRIs and research says you actually cannot. At most you'll become dependent on your medication, which isn't a bad thing because that's what's helping in the first place. I just want to tell my mother about it and really get specific about it

@BigGyro09 Oh, definitely. Addiction totally rewires how our brains operate (ex: brain becoming less sensitive to dopamine, leading to seeking out higher extremes). I know you've probably tried this, but practice making it less easily accessible. I'm pretty sure there's a way to block certain websites. Having a buffer between things can make it a little more difficult to get to. Especially if it's compulsive! The biggest thing is to show yourself compassion. Even if you don't feel like you deserve it, you do. I promise you do. OCD, on top of the regular shame that can come from this, doesn't make it easier. It magnifies everything, so keep that in mind if you start to get harsh on yourself. I agree. I think a lot of older generations might tend to still imagine medication like benzos (valium or xanax) being used for treatment. They were really popular in the 70s-80s. What does she have against medication? Is it stigma around it?

@nae nae Addiction and OCD has completely turned my mind around and I can't deal with it anymore. I hate that I keep falling back into such extreme content that I don't want to see deep down. I do have an easy time not viewing it for a while, but eventually I'll have a relapse with my anxiety, and then it's too hard to cope with my anxiety so I go right back to it. It happens like clockwork. It helps to remind myself that this is an addiction and trauma from my childhood that I didn't choose and just came into my life. Just like OCD came into my life. She's afraid of side effects, which I don't blame her for. She's afraid of side effects getting bad and maybe afraid that it will change me. The thing is, we've taken medication before that has side effects that are something to take note of, but we've never ever experienced them. I've taken ZzzQuil to try and get better sleep and it didn't really do anything for me besides make me tired. But I'm usually tired anyway, just can't sleep. I just want to be able to get the right words in explaining how this can help me. I'm just afraid

It's the fear of side effects. I'm scared of the possibility of rare side effects but the common ones not so much. My mother does not gel with the idea of this and while she still won't, I just want to open up about it again and be able to take meds I need

@BigGyro09 Is there a world where you can take the medication without telling her? I know this isn’t ideal, but based on your bio you’re 23. I think it’s important to have supports, so maybe you have some friends or other people who can be supportive as you start meds. But I think being worried about pleasing your family may make it tougher. I know it’s all hard to decide what to do, and I don’t want to suggest that you lie either

@Iamacamel2! You're 100% right. Several people have told me that time and time again. I just have to get the courage to tell them. That's all. I don't need a definitive answer on them saying I should or shouldn't because I'm going to anyway. I just want them to know. Lying about it or doing it behind their back is going to make me feel worse. I know that for a fact. I just want to let them know I consider it, and no matter how much they seem to be against it, I have to remind them that nothing else I've tried has really worked, but this can.

@BigGyro09 I understand that. I think if you communicate to them how much pain you’re in, they may try to open their minds a bit. I hope for the best for you. It is so hard already, you don’t need it to get harder. Hugs!

It really does help to hear another adult in the same situation. Thanks for sharing that, it helps to remind me I'm not alone. Is your mom also against medication because of the side effects or are there other reasons? Have you ever told her you wanted to take it despite her not being on board with the idea?

@BigGyro09 Yes side affects and she's afraid I'll become addicted, and yes we have had some small arguments since like I'm old enough to choose for myself now, I respect her concern but I gotta try

@welpp I'm afraid of being addicted as well. I have really bad fears about this such as dying from taking meds, being addicted, the meds not working, or having really bad side effects. I still want to try because I'm just not finding solutions elsewhere

@welpp I looked up a quick search to see if SSRIs are addictive and it says that actually aren't, but you could be dependant on them, which I think is kind of normal because you're following the treatment plan of your psychiatrist giving you the medication and controlling doses

@BigGyro09 Yes that is also why I'm afraid to start cause of stories I've seen with side affects, but that's good to know actually it would be be my first time using once I do get them idk when that'll be

@welpp What SSRI are you taking specifically? I'm choosing between Lexapro and Prozac. I think all SSRIs have the same side effects

@BigGyro09 Sry for the confusion I haven't started yet still have to figure that out and I like seeing different perspectives since I'm kind of afraid of it

@welpp Do you have a therapist? If so, talking to them about that can be a great start

@BigGyro09 Yes a new one due to schedule conflicts thanks for the advice :)

@welpp You're welcome. I hope everything works out!