BigGyro09

Date posted: 10h

I want to cry but I just haven't 20+ only

Adults only I just hate where my life is right now. I know that is not always going to be this way but I just hate feeling like this. I hate going back to my trauma which is porn use. It's still ruining me to this day no thanks to anxiety. Whenever I close my eyes, I see the extreme, messed up videos that I've watched even though I know I would feel guilty about. I also know that it's escalation and I'm bored of anything more tame. I just want to cry so it would at least make me feel a little better. I just want medication. But I'm just scared to talk about it. I know I have to though. I know I'm not even going to get sleep tonight. I just know it.

Jean M.

Date posted: 10h

I'm new to the community. I just wanted to let you know I hear you. Barely have a handle on this new diagnosis, but I know sleep is elusive sometimes. I hope you surprise yourself and sleep tonight.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 10h

Welcome to NOCD! I took a quick read at your bio and I've noticed that you've taken Prozac for 4 months and I like how much it helped you! I'm looking for more and more success stories like that so that I have the courage to really open up about medication!

Jean M.

Date posted: 10h

I've been treated for anxiety and depression for years. How I never was on Prozac, I don't know. Anxiety and depression was a symptom of my OCD. When I got put on Prozac, all my senses improved. I could taste, smell, feel, touch.... better. I had to fight really hard to get here, wish I was here sooner.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 10h

That's fantastic news. I'm very happy for you and I'm happy that your here to share anything OCD related to a community that can help you. My problem is opening up to my mother not to get her say in whether I should or not, but her support. I fear that she won't be supportive of me as I'm trying to take this opportunity to really improve my mental health. I hope you don't mind me asking, but when did you decide it was time to finally try medication?

worryywart

Date posted: 9h

sometimes it helps to just let it all out. you’re gonna be okay and one day you’ll be able to look back on all this as a rough patch in a healed and happy life. it’s hard now but you can get through this 🫂

BigGyro09

Date posted: 9h

Thank you. I know that I can do this because I've done it before when opening up about OCD years ago to my mom. I know I can do it but I just can't find the timing.

worryywart

Date posted: 9h

@BigGyro09 maybe you could set up a time with her in advance? that way you have time to prepare and you can just tell her there’s something you’ve been wanting to talk about that’s been weighing on you heavily.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 9h

@worryywart Maybe I can do that. I keep telling myself I'm going to wait and I did plan to wait until Monday which is when I hopefully see my therapist. I say hopefully because I don't want to be sleep deprived that day. She sort of knows that I'm struggling but not in the way that my OCD is to blame. My lack of sleep and thoughts is what she does know

worryywart

Date posted: 8h

@BigGyro09 that’s a good plan, i hope you can make it in to see your therapist! i also hope you’re able to get some sleep before then too. if she does know some of what’s going on with you, maybe she’ll be more understanding than you’re expecting. i believe in you and i hope it goes well for you 🩷

BigGyro09

Date posted: 8h

@worryywart Thanks so much. Sorry that I keep talking to you about the same thing. It's redundant of me. It's just really bothering me a lot, that's all. On the other hand, I hope you're well. I hope you haven't been bothered too much by OCD and I hope you've been able to have peace of mind. :)

worryywart

Date posted: 7h

@BigGyro09 oh don’t worry about it i don’t mind, don’t be sorry about it at all! i hope i haven’t been too annoying as well lol i realize i’ve probably talked a lot on here. i just hope i’ve been able to help :) and i’m doing much better than yesterday, being able to talk to you and other people on the app has made me feel a lot better and recognizing that i’m not alone so i’m really grateful for that.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 7h

@worryywart You're not being annoying at all! Far from it. All you've been it's supportive and helpful and I really do appreciate that a lot. I'm very glad you're doing better and that talking to others really helps. I'm definitely grateful for that too

worryywart

Date posted: 6h

@BigGyro09 ofc & i’m glad!! if you ever need help anytime or just a friend to listen i’m here and that offer from before is always there if you need it! 🫶

BigGyro09

Date posted: 6h

@worryywart Thanks, and same to you! Right now I'm just trying my best to calm my mind down. It's hard with all of the relapses that I've had today. Just trying, that's all.

worryywart

Date posted: 5h

@BigGyro09 that’s all you really can do, but you got this!! have a good night and get some rest, you deserve it <3

BigGyro09

Date posted: 5h

@worryywart Good night! I hope I'll be able to get good sleep.

welpp

Date posted: 6h

I hope its a better night today ! I also wanted to let you know since im more new here and learning abt ocd I look forward to your posts as they helped me not feel so alone idk how to be of support but I'm willing to listen if needed

BigGyro09

Date posted: 5h

I'm glad that my posts have helped. Your comment about relating to medication and feeling a little scared about it helps me in return. I don't know if the night will get better but I will try. I'm just really trying to put all of my issues into perspective while also giving myself compassion and not being hard on myself. It's mainly OCD and my addiction to porn. I think writing to myself will help.

Jean M.

Date posted: 9h

I just believe medication has a place alongside therapy when indicated. I'm a health professional and taking medication is a very personal decision. Getting this diagnosis at 57 that should have happened at 7 years old. It's been a long road.

Jean M.

Date posted: 9h

I'm sure you just don't want to disappoint your mom. I don't know you, but nobody wants to disappoint their mom.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 9h

I agree with you. Medication is a personal choice and no one else can make it for you. I'm at a point where I don't know any other solutions that could help me out. I don't want her say in whether I should take it or not, just her knowing and her support. But I'm afraid that I won't get that support because she's so against the idea of medication due to side effects and I'm assuming scary side effect namings from advertisements for special named brand medication.

Jean M.

Date posted: 9h

In healthcare, we always talk about the benefit versus the risk with medications. It's a simple as that. I feel the medication is there to help me get through the hard work ahead of me. May not need it forever. I have significant heart disease in my family, going off of a statin is not an option for me. The benefit is greater than the risk.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 9h

I'm sorry to hear that heart disease runs in your family. I'm just glad that your medication is helping. And yes, the potential benefits do outweight the risks in the long run. I'm still scared of side effects and being vocal about it. Can I ask about another thing? Since you're taking Prozac, were you ever afraid of the rare side effects which were suicidal thoughts or actions? This is what's getting me to just not try it right away.

Jean M.

Date posted: 9h

It's a deeply personal decision. One you have to make for yourself.

Jean M.

Date posted: 9h

Regardless of what other family members may think about it

BigGyro09

Date posted: 9h

I know. I just want them to know though. I still want to make the choice even if they don't think I should.

Queencard

Date posted: 5h

Pleaseee help me I saw your comments,how do i get rid of mastrubating as a compulsion???

BigGyro09

Date posted: 5h

Are you an adult? I don't prefer talking to minors about sensitive topics because that would really mess with my pocd

BigGyro09

Date posted: 9w

Anxiety, POCD, real event 20+ only

So am I'm beginning to understand my anxiety more, I feel like it's becoming harder to understand. I'm not really sure why but I have steps that I'm taking to truly try and get through handling these feelings. Adults only please . . . . . It's made me realize why I watch porn because it's to get away from the anxiety and it's the only time I'm not feeling anxiety but it ends up coming back stronger and I end up feeling worse afterwards. What bothers me even more is when disgusting pedophiles post stuff with fictional child characters in it (People say it's legal because they aren't real and that's just sick to me and it means creeps and monsters can use this and have no consequences) on YouTube and I just happen to be scrolling by videos and boom stupid stuff like that is just there and it feels intense anxiety and pretty much dying on the inside because of nasty shit like that. I just want to be able to control my anxiety and not have it control me anymore. Does any other adults and ONLY ADULTS relate?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 21d

Got a "what am I doing with my life moment" 20+

Adults only I'm at a very very low point when it comes to this addiction. I feel like I've been escalating to more extreme videos that I would have hated to even look at it I weren't so addicted. I feel ashamed that I used AI videos when escalating and the shame and guilt are really strong. I don't really know what to do other than not be on my phone for the majority of the day and when I'm going to bed. I just feel disgusting about myself. I hate that this has been in my life for over a decade. I remember the times where my life was carefree, I didn't have anxiety, and I was much more relaxed. Now I'm just consumed with unwanted sexual thoughts, urges, and wanting to go back to this stuff time and time again. Everytime I tell myself that I can't keep doing this anymore and that I don't want to, I find myself right back. This stuff gets in the way of my sleep, my goals, and trying to get help for my obsessive compulsive disorder.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 19d

20+ Feel little better than I did few days before

20+ only So I'm feeling better than I did a few days ago when I had a really bad relapse with porn addiction. I've looked on this app and I've noticed they unfortunately too many of us have been exposed to porn at a very young age, which has left a negative impact on us due to being addicted to it or having some kind of trauma from it. To anyone that has been affected by porn: I'm very sorry. You are not your addiction. You are not what these videos portray to you. It's not your fault that you were exposed to something so graphic at a time you weren't meant to see. It's gonna be okay and there is plenty of help and support you can get. I'm still feeling sort of down about how I escalated to something I have always been against and never wanted to see deep down. I doubt I would do that again and I really had to sit through some difficult, anxiety inducing, sleepless nights because of my thoughts being so bad when it came to the scenes of what I saw. I seriously can't put myself through this anymore and I just want to let myself know now that I deserve better than those videos I've seen. I don't want to keep being a slave to that kind of stuff. It's not only shame provoking, but it makes me feel so out of touch. As if my peers just aren't engaging in that sort of thing while I am. It's like a whole different reality opening up everytime I use it and I just jump into the portal, only to come back to where I started once it's gone. I'm debating on telling my therapists the specifics of what I saw or not. I don't know if it would help me or not. Besides that, the next time I see my therapists is the time I really want things to change. I'm just hoping I can stick to my word on this. And if things don't work out, I'll still have some kind of plan in my favor.

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I want to cry but I just haven't 20+ only

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