Finding out my mom had cancer.

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well! I lost my dad yesterday and me having ocd since I was 7, it just skyrocketed. Yesterday it was difficult for sure, but I didn’t have any intrusive thoughts about self harm. It all happened suddenly when I was half asleep (trying to sleep even though it was really hard), were I feel as if a switch turned on in my brain and out of nowhere I started feeling angry. I recognised at that moment that I was not angry but that’s what my brain was telling me. And that’s when I had an intrusive thought of harming my mom came to my mind and immediately after that came the thought of harming myself. And it stuck. I know grief can make these themes pop up, but what if this is all real and not ocd? I’m scared. I acknowledge I don’t have thoughts in my head of planning to harm myself, it’s just a feeling that this is going to happen. Now letting my thoughts out brings me relief, even sometimes this intrusive thoughts bring me relief (that is very scary), but ocd makes me so pessimistic, and that I’m doomed in life and the sad life my dad had will also be mine as well. There are moments where I feel hope and relief, but it doesn’t last for long. As if I’m so so sure that this is going to happen. And me having magical thinking ocd doesn’t help either. Grief is hard, sometimes I cry, other times I laugh with my friends and family, but those moments I laugh is when I get terrified ( I read people who have made up the decision to (you know) are happy and laugh. Anyways, I’ve talked to my mom about it, she’s super supportive of me restarting therapy and even though she’s struggling with grief, she’s always there to listen to me and give me all the comfort I need. But I informed her about the thoughts the moment the popped up. Just so that she knows and can save me because I don’t trust myself at all. Sorry for this huge rumble, but I’d really appreciate your advice. I’m scared and so not ready to start therapy (at one hand I don’t want to, it feels such a chore, but I know I need to get help). I’m very pessimistic at the moment and I feel no one can convince me that I’ll get better. I think my future life, and it brings me this warm nice feeling and then it is followed by the thought that this will never happen. And because I have magical thinking ocd, and my uni exams have just started, I had this feeling that this exam season will be endless and it’s never going to end. Guess what, I’m probably going to just take one exam out of three (my mind is like you see, this thought and feeling came true) and that’s where I get super pessimistic. Okay, I’ll shut up for now, please give me some advice on how you try to manage your thoughts and what to do for now. Take care ❤️

My mom passed Sunday and I didn’t cry when I got the news, I didn’t know how to react. Crazy, I haven’t cried until i started writing this. You see, I was her favorite child growing up I was attached to her hip. Through every rehab, every overdose, I was there. Guess what I’m getting to is the intrusive thoughts are saying I don’t care that she is dead. Also telling me she was a terrible mother. That I am a mess up as an adult because of her. I’m so angry but I miss her so much. I didn’t get to say goodbye. Weeks of trying to reach her and no one would tell me anything because I’m the “sick child”. Why do the intrusive thoughts get to do this? I can’t grieve properly with all this chatter.

If you’re sensetive to the topic of divorce, needles, or self harm don’t read this. I’m really sorry for how long this is going to be I promise it has a point. So this morning I woke up. It was around 11 when I woke up. I had to get in the shower for a dentist appointment I had to get a cavity filled, which is literally horrible. I can’t describe how much I fucking hate getting my teeth filled the pain of the needle is so bad and the dentist is awful for me because I always think about how many other mouths might’ve touch the equipment. I got a shower and just went with my hair wet and I noticed a huge bruise on my leg from my bf accidentally kneeling on me and I thought about how much it hurt and I worried that the bruise might become something else because I read up on how sometimes small bruises can lead to really horrible blood pooling and internal bleeding. I got in the car and me and my dad left to go to my dentist appointment. When I was sitting waiting I was sitting alone with no distractions so I thought a lot. I thought about how this is the second dentist appointment I’ve been to in a month that my hair was wet for and how my dentist probably thinks my hair is greasy and that im gross. When my dentist gave me the needle to freeze me my vision went a bit wonky and I remember worrying that he sent the freezing to my nervous system and how this was just gonna be how my vision gets stuck forever. They finished the filling and I worried that my invisiline treatment would stop working because of the slight change from the filling and how I’d waste thousands of my parents dollars from one filling. When I was coming from the dentist my mom texted that she was taking me somewhere to eat so I went home with my dad and waited for her to come get me. We went to eat and it was amazing. And for context me and my mom usually can’t get through a car ride without being at each others throats. She even bought me a slice of cheese cake to take home. We got home and I was talking to my parents about whatever. I went into my kitchen to snack on something and my dad told me to get out of the cupboards. He told me to come here and sit down. I thought he was gonna tell me that I need to diet. I asked worriedly what they wanted to talk about. My dad said “oh just life and stuff” I figured they were gonna tell me some type of advice. That they were gonna give me the talk (I’m a teenager in a teenage relationship so this makes sense) I remember the hot feeling of the anxiety in my body. Of what he might tell me. Up until this point my life was all those worries I talk about in my so far day. My life was wake up worry about crazy impossible shit, worry about everything, the worst thing in my life to this point was my self harm that I ended up falling into around 2 years ago (I’m clean for the most part now). Up until this point my parents were together for 18 years. But today my parents sat me down and told me they’re separating. Right when my life finally felt so right. When the only issue was my ocd. When that was my complaint. There’s no one to blame for it. It’s just how life ended up happening. I’m so utterly confused. I don’t even know what to think. For the first time in my entire life I have no idea what to think. It is impossible for my brain to muster up something, anything. I just can’t. And the last time I felt like I couldn’t think I cut myself. And I can’t do that. I just feel so freaking lost. My life is about to begin. I’m about to graduate high school this coming year. And my senior year. My last year. It about to be so hard in so many ways. I just can’t. And I feel so alone in this because their separation is gonna go so smoothly with no issues they have it all figured out and they still love eachother. So I can’t complain that it’s gonna be messy. My brothers still very young so he’ll deal with it differently. And any of my friends who have divorced parents their parents divorces were messy and horrible and they were all so young when it happened. But I’ll be a legal adult next year. So I feel like I’m not supposed to be upset about it because it happen to me later in life. I just really don’t know.