- Date posted
- 2h
Struggling Tonight. ROCD & Tarot Reading
I’m kind of a fairly spiritual person these days. (Did not grow up that way, but it has developed over the last decade) I like to draw tarot cards to get some advice for important questions in my life, and occasionally get a bit of wisdom from astrology (which I try to only read as an opportunity for reflection, not an influence in my day) hopefully the degree to which I “believe” in these things as actual magic will not dominate any comments. Thank you in advance. Intellectually, I recognize that OCD has a way of latching onto any insights from these tools but in practice, I find it hard to counteract, almost exclusively when it comes to relationships. Tonight I asked my tarot cards and even checked my Astro profile (ah checking…), a question about how to handle the “negative, stuck energy, frustrated feeling” I get with my partner sometimes. It happened tonight. It hits hard and it takes me a while to breathe and release it afterwards. Usually I want to be alone. It’s like a sharp, misunderstanding feeling, deeply frustrating, and it feels like it just gets STUCK in my chest. I asked my deck, and the cards were, *of course* all about the need to break up or be forced to break up, that I’m in a bad relationship that is going to leave me ultimately unfulfilled in life and I’m only here because I’m afraid of being alone. I looked up a couple interpretations, tried to see how I actually felt about the card meanings in my own body, but just generally descended into mid-level panic that it meant I had to be brave and break up with my bf of 2.5 years or else I’d be missing out on greater things in life. Thing is, my boyfriend is pretty fricking great. He’s communicative, affectionate, funny, into a lot of the same things I am, curious and kind, open to growing and deepening our relationship, and understanding of my OCD symptoms/needs. He’s not the most ambitious/adventurous person I’ve ever been with, and he can get angry fast sometimes which is new to me, but never actually at me, just around me, (which is what I think creates the tension) and he is working on it SO much and has gotten so much better at managing it. We’ve grown extremely close, and we’re on the cusp of building an actual real-life honest partnership together. Something I’ve never even believed I could try for. Over the last few years I’ve done a good amount of OCD work, and I can usually stay pretty grounded for readings and introspection on most other topics in my life, but here on the precipice of what could be a much longer term commitment, I’m faltering a bit. If you’ve read this far thank you. If you have any advice to share, thank you again. Writing this out has helped me to think through things, but, I still have to figure out what to do with this deep and unyielding fear of making the “wrong choice.” As we all do with this brain chemistry, all the time. How do you deal with spirituality/metaphysical/“trust your intuition” etc. and big life question uncertainty? How do you deal with making what could be lifelong commitments?