I feel like I've failed my whole life 20+ only

Adults only I have a very bad porn addiction and I relapsed to ai generated content of celebrities and I've been looking up so many things about the legality of it and there are posts saying it's both legal and illegal and I can't forgive myself for having this go this far. When I was a teenager sexual photoshopped pictures and gifs exist and I watched a lot of those thinking it was okay but I don't think it was okay now. I think I've really messed up and I feel like an absolute disgusting monster. I've even seen this be done in wrestling games and for some dumb reason it didn't bother me The laws are so confusing I just don't know what to believe but the point is I feel so much shame and distraught over this awful addiction. Apparently deepfakes are legal under the first amendment as long as they aren't spread for misinformation. I just don't know but I also no longer want sex in my life I know there's a stretch but all it's ever done is make my life worse and worse A lot of people say it's legal to keep to yourself but illegal and very back to distribute but I've never ever tried to create this stuff using real people, I've only tried once using a fictional character who is middle aged Then I read there was a law only criminalizing uploading, creating, and sharing ai generated celebrity content but not exactly the viewing

Brooklyn_99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 11h

You didn’t know buddy. Give yourself a break. I used to have a porn addiction as well and watched a TON of CGI Henti LOL It took me a long time to conquer it. Don’t keep researching it. That’s a compulsion. You’re not disgusting, your just a human having a human experience. I don’t know many people who havnt watched porn. It’s EVERYWHERE and so easily accessible. Not to reassure you but I don’t think anyone is policing ai content. It’s not something that law enforcement waste their time with. They have bigger fish to fry. Best of luck to you buddy, I hope you overcome your addiction just as I did. It’s possible

BigGyro09

Date posted: 11h

You're an adult right? I would hate for minors to be commenting on these posts because, you know. I didn't know but ai was always something that I would never want to watch but I've been so desensitized that I've watched it anyway. It can only get worse from here and I don't want it to. I really don't, I just want this to stop. The laws on it are very confusing but it's still not cool to distribute that stuff and use it publicly. I guess if people are going to do it just keep it to themselves but that's never going to happen. I just hate struggling for this endlessly

BigGyro09

Date posted: 10h

Also I don't know I read a lot of sites and places saying there are laws in place for ai content being distributed and created to the public, but it said there isn't anything about viewing it in private. Then there's the ads that show up, money making money off of this overall. I just don't freaking know. I don't think I ever will but the shame I get is bothering me so much

BigGyro09

Date posted: 10h

@BigGyro09 This happened only weeks ago as well, this is recent while the photoshopped stuff was years ago

worryywart

Date posted: 4h

hey please take it easy and like the other comment said, don’t keep researching this, it will only keep you in the ocd spiral. you just have to sit with the uncertainty which i know is hard. put time limits and restrictions on your phone but seriously the research compulsion used to be one of my worst ones and it never does any good to feed into it no matter how much temporary relief it gives you. are you able to see your therapist this week? it would be good if you could talk to them about all of this to work through it healthily. you don’t have to abstain from anything or deny yourself of experiences just because of ocd and this addiction. you can heal from it🫶🫶

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4h

It is hard. Very hard. I did it last night and kept tabs open and feel like if I need to see it, I can just look at those tabs so it goes away a little bit. I am able to see my therapist and I wrote a very long list about my porn history and I planned to tell them everything. And by everything, I meant everything.

worryywart

Date posted: 4h

@BigGyro09 that’s good that you’re seeing your therapist and opening up about it all. i think at least getting it all out to someone might help you somewhat. they can also help you work through it better than anything i could say to try and help. until then try not to think about it too much. i know it feels absolutely urgent and like you have to solve it now but i promise it will help in the long run to just let the feeling sit there. a phrase that’s oddly helped me when struggling with this is “water off a ducks back”. your brains initial defense mechanism won’t go away just yet, and it’ll take a lot of rewiring to lessen that feeling, but you can control your reaction to it. when another thought like that comes up, think to yourself “i’ll deal with this later”, and try to focus on anything else. do something that makes you happy or calm, even if you feel you don’t “deserve it”. continue living your life regardless of the fear and shame. you’re not alone in this. <3

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3h

@worryywart I'm afraid I'm gonna harm my therapist mentally by sharing what I want to share. This stuff is really bad things that I did as a teenager. Seriously bad. I want to open up about it all but I'm afraid of being seen as awful or hurting my therapist, but this is also related to ERP. I feel like it will help in that regard as well. At most I can just distract myself from what I'm doing to stop thinking about the though. But it doesn't solve the problem of the thought being there unless I'm supposed to just act like there is no problem at all. I go from thinking I don't have a problem after reassurance seeking and researching to thinking I do after maybe an hour or two passes.

worryywart

Date posted: 2h

@BigGyro09 i don’t wanna reassure you but i promise there’s absolutely nothing you can tell a therapist that they likely haven’t heard before and it definitely won’t upset them. i was worried about something similar when telling my therapists about some of the things that i’ve done/that have happened in my life and absolutely none of them have been even remotely upset or disgusted by what i’ve told them. and telling your therapist could definitely be erp as well, even just opening up about it takes a lot of courage. also, it’s less about pretending there’s no problem at all, that’s another thing ocd will tell you to keep you worrying. you can recognize that you may have made mistakes or done things that go against your morals, or that you have some kind of problem, but the issue is that ocd won’t let you move beyond that recognition. it’s more so about recognizing that there isn’t much you can do because no matter how much searching for answers you do, ocd will never be completely satisfied. whenever i catch myself ruminating or doing endless searches online i try to remind myself that it won’t help in the long run. i try to just stop and remind myself that even if i do this, i’ll probably be back in the next hour or so, doing the same thing. so it’s more just recognizing maybe there is a problem, maybe there isn’t, but endlessly worrying about it won’t solve it or answer any of your concern, it will only make them grow.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1h

@worryywart I certainly hope not. I hope it will be okay with them because I really need to express to them how much this has bothered me. I haven't told them everything but today is the day I will. I just hope this will benefit me in the long run. Yeah it won't help me in the long run but I sometimes have this magic thought that if I do search and search I'll eventually have something that will tell me that I'm okay and I can move past this. I've actually had those moments and I'm still keeping tabs but I know it's not going to help me. It just hurts that I have crossed my morals and it makes me feel like I'm not a good person, but that's just what OCD and shame wants me to think. It's hard to even consider what Brooklyn_99 said about me being human about this and making mistakes. I'm just really hoping therapy will help today. Thank you so much, worrywart. :)

BigGyro09

Date posted: 14w

21+ NO MINORS real event,

So I'm still struggling with pornography unfortunately and it took a bad turn. In the past when I was a lot younger I've seen a lot of photoshopped porn of celebrities and didn't think anything of it. Aside from celebrities the other portion of that was wrestling themed content. I do like wrestling and enjoy watching the stories and athleticism but I also do think it can be very sexual which I don't mind. There have been times where I insert fantasies of fictional characters wrestling in revealing attire and some real wrestlers that have shown themselves doing the same and also do sex work or have done it. Then I recently escalated back to the photoshopped and animated porn of wrestlers and it made me feel terrible deep down but I just couldn't stop looking for more and more content. I don't mind the fantasies but I feel like I overdid this and I feel a lot of shame about it. Deep down I didn't like what I was seeing whatsoever but I didn't click off and stop watching like I usually did when coming across that stuff when looking for softcore content.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 24d

Got a "what am I doing with my life moment" 20+

Adults only I'm at a very very low point when it comes to this addiction. I feel like I've been escalating to more extreme videos that I would have hated to even look at it I weren't so addicted. I feel ashamed that I used AI videos when escalating and the shame and guilt are really strong. I don't really know what to do other than not be on my phone for the majority of the day and when I'm going to bed. I just feel disgusting about myself. I hate that this has been in my life for over a decade. I remember the times where my life was carefree, I didn't have anxiety, and I was much more relaxed. Now I'm just consumed with unwanted sexual thoughts, urges, and wanting to go back to this stuff time and time again. Everytime I tell myself that I can't keep doing this anymore and that I don't want to, I find myself right back. This stuff gets in the way of my sleep, my goals, and trying to get help for my obsessive compulsive disorder.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3d

I'm disgusted at how far this has gotten 20+ only

Adults only please, no minors For a decade I've been struggling with a porn addiction. It's very compulsive and I don't want to engage with it but I do anyway to escape my anxiety and feelings of the present and the challenges that are attached to it. I remember when I was a teenager I would look up celebrity pornography that would be real, photoshopped, or animated. I didn't think much of it at all, much like all of the porn that I consumed when I was that young. My porn viewing habits have escalated back to that and I looked for a lot of celebrities porn that was animated using digital models of the celebrities. Deep down this disgusts me and I feel like I'm violating and objectifying these celebrities in a way I shouldn't be. I didn't make any content like that but it's the fact that I had the thought and urge to consume it is what bothers me. As much as I don't want to admit it, it was more appealing than the more vanilla content that I watch in comparison, but this is because I've become so desensitized to the same videos I watch sometimes. I like wrestling quite a bit, but I also found it very sexual and I fetishize fictional characters I like in those scenarios along with real wrestlers as well. I've seen videos of them in pornographic scenarios, photoshops, real pictures and videos of them, and drawings. I can't help but feel attracted to this stuff but deep down I know I just should not be watching this because it makes me feel wrong and I just feel it's unethical. This is eating away at me and I know I'm going to lose sleep over it but at the same time I recognize that this addiction is a big problem in my life that leaves me feeling absolutely horrible about myself and I don't want to deal with it anymore. But, as far as my OCD is here, it's going to be here hand and hand with it because when my anxiety is way too overwhelming I escape to porn. I also notice that the usual videos weren't doing it so I went looking for more violent, extreme content overall. I just want this to stop. I don't know how I'm going to put this past myself while also feeling good about myself as a person.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

I feel like I've failed my whole life 20+ only

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community