Never going to be “normal”

OCD can be so isolating. I’m in a health anxiety spiral and struggling at work. I feel like I am failing everywhere and feeling very alone. My support system is tired of hearing about my fears, health wise and work wise. I find myself crying a lot. I don’t particularly enjoy doing anything anymore. I feel like I just can’t get comfortable in my skin or my head sometimes. I’m not sure how to else to describe it. Like nothing soothes me or makes it better. Even sleep is bad dreams and waking up anxious all night. I’ve always felt different from everyone else but when I’m on meds I can fake it better and I feel more connected. I want to go back on SSRI’s but I’ve been dealing with health issues and the meds exacerbate them so am delaying for the time being

I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it this far in my life. OCD has had its claws in me since I was 7. I used to lay in bed and tell myself over and over “it’ll be gone when I’m older, it’ll be better” but it just got worse with age. I’m 25 now and I’ve lost so many years to this. Or to pretending to be someone else in order to avoid it all. I can’t say or do one thing without analyzing it to death. Everything is black and white when it comes to me and my own morality. I overcompensate by allowing everyone else around me to be gray. I don’t allow myself that same grace. I try, everyday. Sometimes I sit and look back on my life and just wonder why. And how. I carry every mistake I’ve made with me from day to day. It rules me, it owns me, and it chips away at the person I could have been without ocd. I mourn myself.

This is about OCD but also I just want to rant, I feel very lonely at times. My dad died when I was very young & as the oldest daughter I feel like I’ve had to be strong my entire life. My friends & family love and support me but for some reason I’ve never felt comfortable being vulnerable or discussing my feelings. Everyone tells me I’m the person they go to for advice/support but I have never once opened up to anyone, it almost feels impossible to do so. I mask so well that none of my friends or family know I struggle. No one has ever seen me cry. Also, as a college student with a small group of friends who go out of state, I don’t have many friends in my area so that contributes to feeling isolated. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, & ADHD. As long as I can remember I’ve felt like a bad person and undeserving of love unless i prove myself by being good or useful. I try to keep myself working, volunteering & double majoring in school to feel worthy of love. I genuinely do love life & am so thankful because I feel very blessed. I have good friends & family. But I also feel isolated. (Ik I isolate myself but at the same time I don’t know how to stop). Anyways back in December I broke up with my bf who I had dated for yearsss. He really violated my trust & cheated on me after making me feel crazy for so long & swearing he would never betray me again. It hurt deeply. But ofc I handled it the only way I know how. By being strong. I self isolated. I didn’t tell any of my friends for weeks that we broke up and when I did, I didn’t tell them why (to preserve his image). No one saw how badly it hurt me. To everyone else I seemed fine. I started coping with it in embarrassing ways. I had casual sex with multiple people very quickly that clearly only wanted that from me & didn’t care about me as a person. I am ashamed of this. I’ve stopped meeting new people and decided that’s not the way I want to be and I want to put my energy into healthy outlets. But sometimes in moments of weakness I have had relations with past people (wanting to feel loved & desired & wanted). Anyways my recent theme of OCD has been health + morality related, specifically the fear that I have an STD. I started having some bodily sensations (that i’ve had in the past & aren’t STD related) and started worrying that I may have an STD. When I get health anxiety, I sometimes avoid doctors. I did that for about a month but finally scheduled an appt for Monday. But now the guilt is eating at me and saying “what if you had an STD this whole time & knowingly gave it to others bc you avoided doctors?” That causes me a lot of guilt & shame. I know this is OCD so I’m trying not to ask for reassurance. Sorry that was so long, this is the first time I’ve ranted in a very long time. I just want someone to see me.