how do I forgive myself

Thank you so much, I will do that. It is so hard to resist the compulsions, since the thoughts around it are so so brutal. I really want to belive what my loved ones are telling me and what the bible verse says with my whole heart. Thank you for being understanding.

@ocdbelowzero I have the same trouble. When I look at Bible verses, my OCD always wants to make me doubt. I have had to make decisions to believe what the word says, no matter what my feelings are. You can make that decision too!! Make the decision to believe the verses, even if the OCD is screaming at you, and all your feelings are against you. Can I ask you what your compulsions are?

@Tea and Honey - with any theme I have, my main compulsion is always ruminating until I "make it right". Before this theme popped up, I was working 12h days, doing sports, enjoying every moment with my girlfriend. Now I find myself at home constantly ruminating, some days even the whole day and I do absolutely nothing productive. I also find myself telling people my experience so they would say that it's ok and everyone makes mistakes, but that doesn't cut it for me. Each time I "make it right" in my head there is another bizzare layer to it and it feels so real that I just have to give it attention (I know that I should not).

@Tea and Honey Also, you have to remember that your faith isn't what you feel. You will find your faith in what you speak. If you practice saying the Bible verse and practice going back to it, you will eventually believe it and latch onto it more and more. Our brains are very interesting. You have to imagine your brain like a big, grassy field. When we walk in certain pathways, eventually we wear down the grass onto a nice, dirt path that is easy to follow. This is how our brain makes neuro-connections and pathways inside us. But when we want to take a new path, we have to walk out onto the grassy field, and it can take months or even years for us to wear the grass down into a nice, easy dirt trail again. The new pathways don't feel comfortable to us. It's the old pathways and old ways of thinking that feel comfortable. And it takes a long time for our brains to get used to a new pathway. Our OCD brains are used to the negative. We are used to self- condemnation. We are used to believing the OCD lies. We are not used to walking in the truth . But we can use key Bible verses (ones that speak to us) to help us.

@ocdbelowzero OK, are you familiar with ERP therapy? I think if we apply ERP therapy to your compulsions, you will find a lot of freedom.

@Tea and Honey Do you want to talk about how to apply ERP therapy to your compulsions? and that way you can get back to the things you enjoy, like spending time with your girlfriend and things like that

@Tea and Honey - I would love that. Is it possible to talk in private on here?

@ocdbelowzero I don't think it is possible to make it private? But don't worry! It doesn't matter what your theme theme is . All OCD is the same. And it is treated exactly the same way. Most people with OCD have very taboo thoughts. They might have sexual thoughts, or violent thoughts, or pedophilic thoughts, or thoughts against God. It actually doesn't matter. That is because all OCD is actually the same thing. If we talk about ERP therapy, you can apply it to your OCD no matter what it is

@Tea and Honey - what ERP approach would you take? Also, thank you so much for helping.

@ocdbelowzero OK, this may take a few minutes to write....

@ocdbelowzero First, let's take a very broad overview. There are two main tenants to understand about ERP therapy. 1.) We need to ALLOW the intrusive thoughts to run freely 2.) We need to deny the compulsions, even though this might cause our anxiety to spike ------------------------------- So, I'll give you examples from my own life... I used to have constant thoughts against God circulating in my head every waking moment. I had to learn to let those thoughts run freely, without fixing them or fighting against them. My ERP therapist explained it like this: Imagine a tree planted by a river. You watch the leaves fall off the tree and float down the river. But you don't try to stop them. And you don't pick them up and examine them. You just let them float on by. So that is how I dealt with the intrusive thoughts. It was a big step of freedom for me. Now, let's move onto the compulsions. I've had all sorts of compulsions. Let's just take one for example. I have had a hard time reading out loud for fear that I would say words in the wrong way and end up sending myself to hell. I have learned that I have to read out loud anyway, even though it might cause my anxiety to spike. In other words, we have to deny our compulsions, even if we feel uncomfortable or icky inside. ------------////---------------- This is a broad overview, and there is much more to talk about. What are the specifics in your case? You don't have to tell me the theme. But do you have intrusive thoughts that circle around in your head every day? Are you willing to try to let them "run freely"? If you did, how would that change things for you? When it comes to your compulsions about "making things right," we need to talk about how you can deny that, even if it causes you anxiety. Can you give me some specifics, so we can talk about places where you can practice doing this?

@Tea and Honey - Thank you. Yes, there are thoughts that haunt me daily, about me being unlovable and feeling extreme guilt and shame because of this. Also I can't get the intrusive images and scenarios out of my head, to the point where I drop to the floor and cry. It is very disturbing to me. I want to learn how to let it go, ABSOLUTELY!!

@ocdbelowzero Intrusive thoughts circle around every waking moment. That's the nature of the intrusive thoughts. It sounds like yours also have guilt mixed in, probably because of the images you have seen on the discord server. This is to be expected and is normal. So I think there are two things you need to do in order to handle this. I want you to know upfront that this will probably take a lot of time and practice, but once you are on the healing journey, things will get better and better slowly over time. Eventually, you will be able to look back and see how much better you have gotten. Here are the two things to do : 1.) Handle the OCD with ERP. 2.) Handle the guilt with spiritual nourishment. You have those two things working together, the OCD and the guilt. And the OCD will amplify the guilt and make you feel even worse. It takes a lot of time and practice to walk on the recovery pathway of OCD; but in the end, you will learn deeper truths about God and life. And you will be better off in the end because of the struggle. -----//---------------------------- I'll give you some examples from my own life. And then let's move on to your life to talk about how you can practice this. 1.). Handling the OCD with ERP: Every time I have an intrusive thought pop up into my brain, I realize that it is meaningless. I know that I don't need to fix it. I know that if I try to fix it, it's only going to make it worse. So every time they pop up into my brain, I put them into my OCD garbage bin. 🗑️I know I can leave them alone and go on with my life. This is going to be hard for you to do at first, but we will talk about that below. 2) Spiritual nourishment My OCD tells me constantly that I'm going to go to hell. I have learned to take God's word literally and take a stand on it, even though my OCD tells me the opposite. The OCD can definitely get me into spirals where I feel like my life is over and I'm going to hell, but I keep going back to the truth in God's word. It's like I'm taking medicine. The more I take it, the stronger I get against the feelings of doom that come from the OCD. ----------------------//-------- So let's talk about what this would look like in your life. I would need to know a few more specifics to really help you. And we are going to want to boil this down to practical application where you feel like you've got some solid places where you can practice. So, I'll really need your insight about how this would work particularly in your case. But let's talk about it to start out with... 1.) Handle the OCD with ERP. For you, this means that you don't allow yourself to ruminate in your room in order to make things right. Even if you experience anxiety, you have to go out and spend time with your girlfriend or go to the gym orc to work. This might cause a lot of anxiety. It might be easier to break this into smaller Steps For example, can you DELAY the rumination for five minutes or an hour? If you can practice that, that is a great step forward. Or can you put limits on the rumination? Let's talk about how this would work for you? Also, you have to practice letting the thoughts run freely, even if they cause anxiety. Maybe you can practice letting them run freely for five minutes at a time. You can always take these steps into little chucks. 2. Spiritual nourishment. If you take that Bible verse that I had written above and keep going back to it, it will nurture you your soul. Start practicing making the decision to stand on it, even though your body and brain and emotions don't seem to agree. The more you practice, the better . Water is your feedback? What are your objections? We have OCD, we always have 1 million objections to treatment and why it won't specifically work for us. What do you think you can do or are not able to do?

@Tea and Honey I like this explanation. My therapist used the leaves on a stream analogy, and even said place a thought on a leaf and watch it float away down stream.

I spoke to God plenty of times about it, told my beautiful girl as well, and she held me as I broke down completely. I really want to let go.

thank you so much

I think what I saw really scarred me that day. I did not see what I expected I would at all and it haunts me so much. I am practicing erp daily and it is doing good for me, also are there any scriptures you'd recommend?