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@moi123 So, you purposely tried to think of something bad so you could forget about the other thought that was bothering you, that wasn’t the most productive idea because it’s a compulsion but it’s also an understandable reaction to have. You didn’t feel bad at the time because you *knew* you had made it up in order to cancel out your previous anxiety. But now, because you’re far removed from that situation and the feelings you were feeling presently, you don’t know if you were just making up a thought or if you truly felt that way towards that student. That distance in time is definitely affecting how you feel now, because since it’s been so long your memory definitely isn’t as clear as it was right after it happened. This is all really understandable. Good news is all that matters now and all you need to focus on is: 1. You purposely tried to think of something “even worse”, and the predatory thoughts towards a child were what your brain came up with, meaning you think harming a child is wrong. 2. You knew this fact and so you didn’t feel badly in the moment, but now that it’s been a while your anxiety is latching on to the fact that you aren’t 100% certain of what happened. 3. This all means that you aren’t secretly wanting to harm children, but you’re scared of that being a possibility and so your OCD is targeting that fear. An important reminder, this reassurance won’t last in your mind, you will likely find another reason to freak out later, but I wanted you to know that rationally this is *not* a reason to quit your job. In order to stop feeling like this, you need to stop trying to resist these uncomfortable and scary feelings and instead let yourself sit in the uncertainty of it all, eventually your anxiety will go down and you will feel a little better. That is the only way to treat OCD, but it’s also very hard so I understand why you’re struggling. Lastly, you are very strong for going through this, I know you can get through this, and I’m sending positive energy your way

@moi123 I have been through the same thing. Maybe not exactly the same but similar. It was because it was a young boy and i thought wow what a handsome young man he carries himself well. And that started the OCD spiral which led to me thinking of worse things as a compulsion and me not feeling anything made it worse. I agree with FEARINCARNATEs response to you. You got this 🩷🩷🩷

@moi123 My response isn’t super long because i think the person above response captures everything i would like to say to you. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself compassions. You are not your thoughts and try your hardest to resists compulsions 🩷